Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Snapshots Through A Keyhole

Five years ago our little family had the opportunity to spend a few days in the home of a friend.  It was the first time we had met face to face.  Something she said in our many talks was that we all really only saw each other in a limited way, like snapshots through a keyhole.  That stuck with me.  I mulled over it and thought about the truth revealed in so many ways in our lives.  It seems the more transparent we become through the use of social media, the less we know about ourselves and the less connected we are to the people in our lives.  

My life has become both more complex and more simple in the five years since.  And I am returning to writing.  Here, in the form of random thoughts put out where the world can see but few people ever will.  I am also writing a book.  Actually I am the "ghost writer" as I am working with a published author under his name in a series he already has an established readership.  In that book, I will tell so many "secrets" about my life, the ugliness that I have tried to shelter everyone I know and love from finding out.  

My life has changed and therefore this blog will also change.  My girls have grown.  So has our family.  The autoimmune diseases I battle have more of a front seat role in my life than before.  Miracle is no longer plagued with problems from her brain injury although she still has many struggles.  I likely won't post much about that here as that is her story, but sometimes with permission I might.  Angelica is off at college and no longer a daily part of our lives.  I have welcomed another family into our lives, thinking of them as my daughter and grandchildren.  

I am still me but I will be less edited here, more likely to share the ugliness in an attempt to find the holiness that God says lives within me.  As a part of that process, I am attempting to combine all of my blogs as a way to take down the walls and stop hiding who I am from those around me.  

Saturday, January 23, 2016

#ButYou'reNotThatSelfish

I want to die.
This isn't a new feeling necessarily.
I have battled crippling depression and suicidal ideations most of my life.
But it's the first time in a long time I've struggled to talk myself out of it.
19 years to be exact.

You see, 19 years ago, I looked down at my little angels looking up at me and realized they needed ME.  And it wasn't just that they needed someone to take care of them, but that I was the person they needed.  Right then and there I made a commitment to not end my life before they grew up.

There have been a couple of times I have struggled in the last 19 years, but I always could look at my girls and find the strength to go on.

Not right now, though.

And it's not that I think they don't need me anymore.
I know that I know that they always will need me, their mom, to be there ready with my love, guiding them through the next step of life.  Usually that's enough.

Not right now, though.
I'm tired.
I want to ....
.... quit....
.... curl up in a ball....
.... sleep...
.... I keep trying to find a word that I can put in the place of "die" to lie to myself just long enough that I will be OK again.  But nothing fits.  Nothing is quite right.  Nothing, that is, except die.

So, I broke down about a week ago and told a friend just how much I'm struggling.
And that's when she said it.  "But you're not that selfish."

So, let me tell you why I AM that selfish, and why that's a good thing.

I don't want the last thing I do to be viewed as selfish.
I don't want to be remembered for causing someone that much pain.

And because of this, I will fight to find the strength to face another day.  I will struggle to come up with a word that is a good enough lie that I believe it until I can be OK again.

Because #IAmThatSelfish.

Friday, May 30, 2014

My Day - #462-470

Miracle's home.(#462) Angelica went to pick her up before watching the girls this afternoon. (#463) The plan was for Miracle to stay upstairs and get some things done while Angelica babysat.  Busy Bee would have none of it.  Busy Bee wouldn't let Miracle out of her sight.  She was so excited to see her. (#464) So Miracle babysat the girls today and Angelica came upstairs.  

There were lots of bumps and bruises today.  First, all four girls went to the splash pad, which we do almost every day without incident now that summer is here.  Today, however, the little girls bumped into each other and Doc lost a tooth.  As in, came out of her mouth and we can't find it.  The good part is that it was a baby tooth, likely ready to come out. (#465) Doc was quite upset about it all.  Then they came home and watched movies before heading to the park to play.  I love summer! (#466) As soon as they came back in the house, Doc bumped into the wall and has a knot on her forehead.  She is a little wobbly but passed all the neurologic tests they would have run at the hospital. (#467) Both my girls having neurologic issues when they were younger came in handy because I have watched the doctors do a neurologic exam so often I knew what to do and what to look for. (#468)

Now they are both making lists for camp next week.  And enjoying each other's company. (#469) And Miracle is dyeing her hair again.  You would think after such a long week we would all be headed to bed.  But it feels SO GOOD to be together again. (#470) I don't think any of us want to waste a moment of this weekend.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Eye Spy

I mentioned a few weeks ago that Doc got new glasses and that I thought she would need them tinted.  Well, I took her to get tested and she needs a beautiful goldenrod color.  Her newly tinted glasses came today and she couldn't be happier!  (#461)

He mencionado hace unas semanas que el D necesitaba lentes nuevos y que yo pensaba que iba a necesitarlos tintadas. Bueno, me la llevé a hacerse la prueba y ella necesita un color hermoso vara de oro. Sus gafas tintadas recién llegaron hoy y no podía estar más feliz!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

About Angelica

I realized earlier this week that I haven't posted about Angelica all month and asked myself "Why?"  So, here are the reasons:

1. I never see her.
2. I haven't quite figured out how to say in such a public format that she is going for the gold because it sounds so presumptuous to believe that my daughter, out of the thousands of figure skaters in the USA at this time, is going to make it to the Olympics in just under 4 years; my daughter, who is unknown on the national, much less international, circuit.  But I do believe it.  So there is the quandary.  

But mostly it's because I never see her.  She works 40 hours a week babysitting, she skates every time she can find ice time and an excuse to go into the city.  No matter how many times I tell her skating is a good enough reason to head into the city, she constantly thinks about the cost of gas and only skates if she already has a reason to go.  She has school and church.  She is insanely busy.  And she is happiest when she's on the ice.  So I decided to peruse her pinterest page and find things that she pinned to explain who she is.  Above each photo is the phrase she chose to describe that photo.  

Yep.


Best feeling ever!


Exactly.


I chose to give up the skating life for a social life at 14 and really wish I hadn't...


Needed this...


Figure skating practice...so true...


Love...


Definitely me...


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Visiting Miracle

Yesterday was a good day. (#456) Angelica and I went to C to visit Miracle and celebrate her birthday. (#457) I had a few minutes to visit with my friend DP before she left for work (#458) and then Angelica and I got started making cupcakes and icing.


After that was finished, we went outside and sat with M and the boys.  




We had a delicious dinner of grilled steaks with squash and watermelon. (#459) 


Baby M was tuckered out by then and fell asleep in his highchair after a few bites of squash.


With cupcakes and root beer floats for dessert.



Nearing the end of the day, M and I went into the room she shares with the baby and looked through all the things I had bought to make organizing such a small space easier.  We sifted and sorted her few belongings as well as the baby's so that we could make space for both of them.  When we finished, it seemed as if a visible weight had been lifted off of Miracle. (#460) Having personal space organized in a house that is chaotic with the energy and love of four boys is important.  After that Angelica and I headed home and off to bed.  

Monday, May 26, 2014

Happy Birthday Miracle!!

I love this girl


with all of my heart. 


And I am so proud


of the young lady she has become.


She is an amazing person


and I have no doubt


that whatever path she chooses in life


she will succeed. 


Each day


I am overwhelmed with gratitude


that I have the privilege 


of being called her mom


and guiding her along life's path.