#ButYou'reNotThatSelfish

I want to die.
This isn't a new feeling necessarily.
I have battled crippling depression and suicidal ideations most of my life.
But it's the first time in a long time I've struggled to talk myself out of it.
19 years to be exact.

You see, 19 years ago, I looked down at my little angels looking up at me and realized they needed ME.  And it wasn't just that they needed someone to take care of them, but that I was the person they needed.  Right then and there I made a commitment to not end my life before they grew up.

There have been a couple of times I have struggled in the last 19 years, but I always could look at my girls and find the strength to go on.

Not right now, though.

And it's not that I think they don't need me anymore.
I know that I know that they always will need me, their mom, to be there ready with my love, guiding them through the next step of life.  Usually that's enough.

Not right now, though.
I'm tired.
I want to ....
.... quit....
.... curl up in a ball....
.... sleep...
.... I keep trying to find a word that I can put in the place of "die" to lie to myself just long enough that I will be OK again.  But nothing fits.  Nothing is quite right.  Nothing, that is, except die.

So, I broke down about a week ago and told a friend just how much I'm struggling.
And that's when she said it.  "But you're not that selfish."

So, let me tell you why I AM that selfish, and why that's a good thing.

I don't want the last thing I do to be viewed as selfish.
I don't want to be remembered for causing someone that much pain.

And because of this, I will fight to find the strength to face another day.  I will struggle to come up with a word that is a good enough lie that I believe it until I can be OK again.

Because #IAmThatSelfish.

My Day - #462-470

Miracle's home.(#462) Angelica went to pick her up before watching the girls this afternoon. (#463) The plan was for Miracle to stay upstairs and get some things done while Angelica babysat.  Busy Bee would have none of it.  Busy Bee wouldn't let Miracle out of her sight.  She was so excited to see her. (#464) So Miracle babysat the girls today and Angelica came upstairs.  

There were lots of bumps and bruises today.  First, all four girls went to the splash pad, which we do almost every day without incident now that summer is here.  Today, however, the little girls bumped into each other and Doc lost a tooth.  As in, came out of her mouth and we can't find it.  The good part is that it was a baby tooth, likely ready to come out. (#465) Doc was quite upset about it all.  Then they came home and watched movies before heading to the park to play.  I love summer! (#466) As soon as they came back in the house, Doc bumped into the wall and has a knot on her forehead.  She is a little wobbly but passed all the neurologic tests they would have run at the hospital. (#467) Both my girls having neurologic issues when they were younger came in handy because I have watched the doctors do a neurologic exam so often I knew what to do and what to look for. (#468)

Now they are both making lists for camp next week.  And enjoying each other's company. (#469) And Miracle is dyeing her hair again.  You would think after such a long week we would all be headed to bed.  But it feels SO GOOD to be together again. (#470) I don't think any of us want to waste a moment of this weekend.

Eye Spy

I mentioned a few weeks ago that Doc got new glasses and that I thought she would need them tinted.  Well, I took her to get tested and she needs a beautiful goldenrod color.  Her newly tinted glasses came today and she couldn't be happier!  (#461)

He mencionado hace unas semanas que el D necesitaba lentes nuevos y que yo pensaba que iba a necesitarlos tintadas. Bueno, me la llevé a hacerse la prueba y ella necesita un color hermoso vara de oro. Sus gafas tintadas recién llegaron hoy y no podía estar más feliz!

About Angelica

I realized earlier this week that I haven't posted about Angelica all month and asked myself "Why?"  So, here are the reasons:

1. I never see her.

2. I haven't quite figured out how to say in such a public format that she is going for the gold because it sounds so presumptuous to believe that my daughter, out of the thousands of figure skaters in the USA at this time, is going to make it to the Olympics in just under 4 years; my daughter, who is unknown on the national, much less international, circuit.  But I do believe it.  So there is the quandary.  

But mostly it's because I never see her.  She works 40 hours a week babysitting, she skates every time she can find ice time and an excuse to go into the city.  No matter how many times I tell her skating is a good enough reason to head into the city, she constantly thinks about the cost of gas and only skates if she already has a reason to go.  She has school and church.  She is insanely busy.  And she is happiest when she's on the ice.  So I decided to peruse her pinterest page and find things that she pinned to explain who she is.  Above each photo is the phrase she chose to describe that photo.  

Yep.

Best feeling ever!

Exactly.

I chose to give up the skating life for a social life at 14 and really wish I hadn't...

Needed this...

Figure skating practice...so true...

Love...

Definitely me...

Visiting Miracle

Yesterday was a good day. (#456) Angelica and I went to C to visit Miracle and celebrate her birthday. (#457) I had a few minutes to visit with my friend DP before she left for work (#458) and then Angelica and I got started making cupcakes and icing.

After that was finished, we went outside and sat with M and the boys.  

We had a delicious dinner of grilled steaks with squash and watermelon. (#459) 

Baby M was tuckered out by then and fell asleep in his highchair after a few bites of squash.

With cupcakes and root beer floats for dessert.

Nearing the end of the day, M and I went into the room she shares with the baby and looked through all the things I had bought to make organizing such a small space easier.  We sifted and sorted her few belongings as well as the baby's so that we could make space for both of them.  When we finished, it seemed as if a visible weight had been lifted off of Miracle. (#460) Having personal space organized in a house that is chaotic with the energy and love of four boys is important.  After that Angelica and I headed home and off to bed.  

Happy Birthday Miracle!!

I love this girl

with all of my heart. 

And I am so proud

of the young lady she has become.

She is an amazing person

and I have no doubt

that whatever path she chooses in life

she will succeed. 

Each day

I am overwhelmed with gratitude

that I have the privilege 

of being called her mom

and guiding her along life's path.  

Rainbows

Today was a good day. (#446) I was feeling a bit down because I wasn't strong enough to go to church and then a graduation party but then God used three separate things to encourage me.   First before Angelica arrived home from church and the celebration, ML asked me for a ride to C. (#447) It means a lot to me that ML felt the freedom to ask for my help.  I told her I couldn't drive her because I was too weak today but I would ask A when she arrived home.  Of course, Angelica said yes. (#448) Second, since Miracle is in C working as a nanny, I rode along and we had the chance to visit with her. (#449) Third, I arrived home and found an email from a new *friend* and in it she had mentioned two verses, both of which an encouragement to me. (#450)

2 Cor 4:16

Therefore, we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away, certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day.

Hebrews 6:10

"For God is not unrighteous so as to forget your work and the love you showed for his name by ministering and continuing to minister to the holy ones."

The verse in 2 Corinthians is a needed reminder that no matter the state of my outward body, my spirit is constantly being made new by the grace of God. (#451) Hebrews reminds me that even though I am not strong enough to physically serve in the church anymore that God has not forgotten all I have done for Him these past 20 years. (#452) It also reminded me of a conversation I had with a pastor friend years ago when he said that it is always easy to replace the acts of service done by the younger crowd - tangible things like scrubbing toilets - but the loss of an older servant who no longer serves in tangible ways but instead prays without ceasing was always felt and impossible to replace - that people don't stop serving the church but rather graduate to a more important form of service. (#453)

Plus, on the way home I saw this:

(#454)

It's not the best picture I know but you can just barely make out the faintest rainbow. Rainbows of course remind me of the promise God made that He would never again flood the entire earth at one time but more than that they remind me that God keeps His promises - ALL OF THEM. (#455) So today was definitely a good day.  :)