Hope

When I was a baby Christian, I thought hope was restored relationship with my mother.

And then hope became having a good marriage.

Next hope was the baby the doctors said I would never have.

Then, hope became my marriage staying together. The marriage that had already weathered an affair and ongoing abuse.

And when I thought all hope was lost, it was given back to me in the form of a second life I carried within me.

Even in the breakup of my marriage, I thought I understood hope.

Then my second child got sick. Near to death sick. Five years long sick. And hope was begging God not to take her.

Then hope was somehow coming to grips with the reality that He knew what was best.

Hope became simply not letting go of God.

And she was healed. I thought I understood hope.

Her sister was in an accident and suffered a brain injury. Hope was that she would get better.

But hope is none of those things.

Now, hope is knowing God won't let go of me. No matter what. He is holding tight. Even when I no longer have the strength to hold on to Him.

That is hope.

I wonder what hope will look like next.

Acts 13:19-20

This morning, Pastor started a new series. A series on missions. He spoke of Paul, Barnabas, and John Mark. It was Paul's first missionary journey.

But what struck me was not truly the topic of his sermon. He read the verse that said Paul was stoned by the Pharisees and left for dead. Paul was visibly bleeding. The people of God rallied around him and prayed. By a miracle of God, Paul got up and lived.

Something inside me resonated.

It is not that the people of the world or of the church have stoned me. I have not endured any undue hardships lately. Definitely not because of my faith or my witness. But not because of anything else, either. No person or group of people have flogged me. I am not physically bleeding.

And.

Yet.

When he read that verse, inside I knew that was me. I am bleeding. And I need a miracle to be OK again.

I am still standing. Walking. Going about my day to day life. Smiling. Talking. Blogging. Praying. Even sometimes pointing others to my beloved Saviour.

But I am mortally wounded. Bleeding. And I need a miracle to be OK again.

I am guessing that I am not the only one feeling this way. In fact, FigNewTon said she felt the same way when Pastor read that verse. I expect that quite a few of you see yourself in that passage, too. If you do, could you let me know so I can rally around you and lift your struggles up to the God who can heal broken bodies, broken hearts, and broken relationships?

Snapshot Saturday

July 2005

FigNewTon is standing in the buggy, Butterfly is on the ground.

We were on vacation in Georgia. We always like to visit the Mayfield Dairy Farm Factory when we are there. We visited often when we lived there, too. There is a tour of the factory, where you learn about the process the milk goes through to get to the stores. At the end, there is an opportunity to buy ice cream cones. Very good ice cream at very reasonable prices. I spend less than $3 when we go, but it is such fun!

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I have been asked about Snapshot Saturdays. If you were to do a Snapshot Saturday, your personal rules would be different. For the most part, I am keeping up with daily happenings here on the blog, but we have a lot of old photos that I never scrapbooked. So, my requirements for choosing a photo are as follows: 1) It must make me smile that day. Some days, some photos just don't make the cut, even though the memory is a happy one. It has to bring a smile to my face that morning. 2) It should not be current. Occasionally I break this rule. Fourth of July comes to mind, as it was on a Saturday and I was sick, so I didn't go through the old photos on the computer. 3) That's about it. Sometimes, like today's photo, I didn't even take the picture.

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I was also asked to put a follower button on my blog, so here it is. I am not sure I like it. Maybe it will grow on me. :)

Have a good Saturday!

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful that today is a better day than last Thursday; that this post is easier to write; that my heart, though not whole, is healing.

I am thankful for my church, my Pastor, his wife, and all the people there that I love and love me.

I am thankful for doctors. Butterfly got a very good report this week (entirely unrelated to her TBI) and doesn't have to see that particular doctor again. And for Dr.W, who is tirelessly working to map out exactly where her brain is functioning so we can use the right tools to make it better.

I am thankful for play time, home time, and just time to relax.

I am thankful for the Internet and the opportunities it affords.

I am thankful for the opportunity to school the girls and the creativity with which God gives me the ability to do this; the fun things we can do in conjunction with this; and the chance to shape and mold them in ways that I wouldn't have if we weren't having this adventure together.

I am thankful for friends who stick with me through the seasons of life and the ones who come only for a season.



So, what are you thankful for today?

Saturday Afternoon Fun

Butterfly spent the better part of Saturday afternoon playing with this.

It really was like five years worth of Christmas and Birthday rolled into one afternoon for her. Every time she pulled out a new Barbie, she would squeal with delight and show me all of the neat things it could do. It was her "first" time seeing about half of these dolls. They were boxed up because the girls no longer played with them unless they were babysitting, but Butterfly had asked about them a few days before so we pulled them out.

FigNewTon took a break from school for a bit and played with her, too.

Too much fun.

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Even though I did not get answers regarding Butterfly's abilities last week at the doctor, there is still a lot I do know. I don't need a doctor to tell me that she is a very bright kid, even with the effects of the TBI. I don't need a doctor to tell me that she is emotionally responding like an 8 year old. I don't need a doctor to tell me that she processes slower than before. All of this is true. And most of it was established with the recent tests. More of it will be established with the upcoming tests. I also don't need a doctor to tell me she will get better. That she has, in fact, improved in the last few weeks. I don't need a doctor to tell me that the best place for her to learn and heal this year is at home. I can make those determinations myself. And I have. It is just that sometimes I doubt my ability as a mom to know what she needs and what level she is functioning at.

I spent most of the afternoon, when Butterfly was playing with Barbie's and FigNewTon was working on a school project, applying for work that I can do from home. I made quite a few applications. Finding legitimate companies is hard, but the help of a friend who works from home made it easier. :)

In Other News...

Most of my posts lately have been more about Butterfly with a spattering of FigNewTon. I thought I would adjust that a bit and give you an update on my soon te be 13 year old. She is being such a good kid right now. She has done a 180 since the end of July. Check out this post if you want to know what, exactly, I am talking about. Otherwise, just know that she is such a sweet child. She is obeying me. She is doing her schoolwork without complaint or grumbling. She is helping her sister. I am really proud of her. :D

In this picture, she is trying to drink the juice out of a pear. We were having a picnic on Thursday after an appointment and the girls had run out of juice in their boxes. I told them to eat their pears, that there was juice in there. FigNewTon decided to try to DRINK hers.

FYI: It doesn't work!

Snapshot Saturday

July 2005

Both girls had written a story, "If I Lived in the White House." The top entries were allowed to bring two guests to hear Barbara Bush speak at a local event. FigNewTon's story was in that top percentage, so off we went to the event. I was so proud of her. She was enamoured by the idea of seeing Barbara Bush. The outfits were a gift from Autumn.