Rainbows

Today was a good day. (#446) I was feeling a bit down because I wasn't strong enough to go to church and then a graduation party but then God used three separate things to encourage me.   First before Angelica arrived home from church and the celebration, ML asked me for a ride to C. (#447) It means a lot to me that ML felt the freedom to ask for my help.  I told her I couldn't drive her because I was too weak today but I would ask A when she arrived home.  Of course, Angelica said yes. (#448) Second, since Miracle is in C working as a nanny, I rode along and we had the chance to visit with her. (#449) Third, I arrived home and found an email from a new *friend* and in it she had mentioned two verses, both of which an encouragement to me. (#450)

2 Cor 4:16

Therefore, we do not give up, but even if the man we are outside is wasting away, certainly the man we are inside is being renewed from day to day.

Hebrews 6:10

"For God is not unrighteous so as to forget your work and the love you showed for his name by ministering and continuing to minister to the holy ones."

The verse in 2 Corinthians is a needed reminder that no matter the state of my outward body, my spirit is constantly being made new by the grace of God. (#451) Hebrews reminds me that even though I am not strong enough to physically serve in the church anymore that God has not forgotten all I have done for Him these past 20 years. (#452) It also reminded me of a conversation I had with a pastor friend years ago when he said that it is always easy to replace the acts of service done by the younger crowd - tangible things like scrubbing toilets - but the loss of an older servant who no longer serves in tangible ways but instead prays without ceasing was always felt and impossible to replace - that people don't stop serving the church but rather graduate to a more important form of service. (#453)

Plus, on the way home I saw this:

(#454)

It's not the best picture I know but you can just barely make out the faintest rainbow. Rainbows of course remind me of the promise God made that He would never again flood the entire earth at one time but more than that they remind me that God keeps His promises - ALL OF THEM. (#455) So today was definitely a good day.  :)

Words Of Life - John 3:27

I'm still a bit behind on the memorizing, and I accidentally went out of order, but the effort of memorizing is bringing me closer to Christ even if I am "off schedule." (#138)  As always, this was taken from Ann Voskamp.  Stop by her blog and read her words of wisdom.

Lent:  Scrubs

Words Of Life - John 3:27

As always, suggesting you should check out Ann Voskamp's blog for further discussion on the verses.  She posts on Wednesdays.

All Things

Romans 8:28 ~ And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.

This verse and song have been going through my head all day.  It is a needed reminder and a truth that I am eternally thankful for.  (#75)

This and That

I'm tired and just want to go to bed but as I head that direction, there is a tugging reminding me that I made a commitment so here I am...

Today was calmer than many of late which is appreciated(#38) although it feels a bit like the calm that comes between thunderstorms one right after the other.  The stillness that is almost as if the air itself is trying not to exist.  That is what today feels like.  (2 Samuel 22:2-3 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation.)(#39)

The sadness has begun to envelope me in such a way that I feel smothered, grasping for a way out, looking for a light in the darkness, searching for some relief from the pain and gasping for air.  It is, after all, January. 

The fear that used to be a constant companion in my life keeps knocking.  I keep reminding it that it doesn't belong in my life anymore while reminding myself that I am safe but little good that does in the middle of the night when I wake up trembling.  (Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.)(#40)

I am encouraged when I look back over this last month and count how many posts had Jesus at the center, or at least a passing mention in the peripheral.(#41) 

Yesterday a friend sent me a quote, a bit of encouragement to remind me that I am doing good.(#42) 

I am thankful that today was a calm day.(#43)  I am thankful that I know the sadness will end.(#44)  I am thankful that fear is not my constant companion anymore.(#45)  I am thankful for friends.  But mostly, I am thankful for the way that God brings scripture to mind(#46) and I see Him weaving into every moment of my life.(#47) (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.)

I didn't accomplish much today.  I was in pain early on and took medication knowing I would sleep but hoping I would accomplish at least something.  I encouraged a friend.  I helped a neighbor.  The house is slightly cleaner than it was last night.(#49)  So, I accomplished a little but not much.  Somehow that seems OK.  The things I did today mattered.(#50)  People's lives were impacted.  That's something, isn't it?

Friends

A friend came by today and we were able to chat for a couple of hours.  That was nice.(#36)  We haven't been able to really spend time together since last spring.  I really enjoyed the chance to visit and needed the opportunity to express things going on in life that are more private and not mentioned here.  She had some good ideas and insight and when she left, I felt encouraged rather than defeated like I did before she arrived.  I am so thankful for our friendship.  Sometimes I stand back in awe that God saw fit to bring us together.  I thank God for all the people I am blessed to call my friend.(#37)  

Proverbs 27:9 - Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.

Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Burdened

We all carry burdens.  

My friend's dad is still in the hospital - specifically ICU.  He is making some improvements but it is slow going.  

Another friend is struggling in so many ways... his wife has Huntington's and he just lost his income.  

Another friend is facing family struggles and yet she feels she can't really open up about the issues to anyone.

I have given two mirrors away in the last month.  This is significant only because the pocket mirrors I had contained the number of a hotline for abused women to call if they were in trouble.  I had held on to those mirrors for 6 months waiting for the right person to give them to and then gave 2 away within days of each other.  

Another friend misses her husband dearly as he is overseas.  

Another friend is concerned for the safety of his son who just reenlisted and went back to the front lines.  

Some carry only their own burdens and my heart hurts all the more for those people because when I am only carrying my burdens, I often forget to share them with Christ.  And when I am not sharing the burdens of others, mine seem magnified.  The more I pray for my friends and the more I find little ways to help carry their burdens, the lighter mine become.(#32) 

Maybe that's why Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

And in Galatians 6:2 the Bible says, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Forgiveness

I know a lot about forgiveness: both giving it and receiving it.  I have needed a lot of it in my life and God is good at forgiving even when people are not.  I have had to forgive many people of many things, sometimes quite selfishly because I know how unforgiveness can eat at a soul until a person becomes someone entirely different.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  Forgiveness was one of the points in Pastor's sermon this morning, how we should go the extra mile to forgive people, turn the other cheek, don't seek revenge and all that.  Mt 5:38-42  That got me thinking about my Grandpa, which is where this post is going.  Before I can tell you the lesson he taught me about forgiveness, I have to tell you about him.  When I was young, he was the most gentle man I had ever known.  He was the one constant in my life as a child, the one person that I never doubted loved me.  He is one of the two people that I know who this quote describes.  He was love personified.  I lived with Grandma and Grandpa off and on throughout my childhood, totalling 8 years.  That might be more than I lived with my mother.  I would have to do the math and that's not where I want this post to go, so maybe another day.  I would sit with Grandpa while he read the paper, just quietly watching him and absorbing his love.  He was good to me.  When I was 12, I moved back in to their house.  The why is a long complicated story.  Part of it has to do with my sister.  She was in foster care and it had been determined that the case needed to be closed; either by terminating my mother's rights or by the child moving from the state.  It had also been determined that mother was unfit to care for my sister.  The caseworker knew that she was also unfit to care for me but that had not been determined legally so she worked to find a loophole that could protect us both.  Enter Grandma and Grandpa.  It was decided that my sister and I would move in with our grandparents in another state, thereby allowing the case to be closed and protecting us both.  Seemed like a win/win.  Not sure it was for my sister, but the lady had good intentions.  Again, I am a little off track, but a bit of history just seems necessary.  So, we moved back in with Grandma and Grandpa.  This was our third stay with them.  Like I said, I was 12.  When we got there, as usual, I was mute.  Grandpa was used to this, almost expected it, and took great joy when I finally opened up and found my voice again after returning to their home.  Anyway, I was more skittish this time.  I avoided eye contact at all cost.  I startled every time anyone walked into the room or made a noise.  I flinched every time Grandpa tried to touch me.  About two weeks after we got there, before the doctor visits and the realization began to hit of what I had experienced in my time away from them, Grandpa showed a rare moment of frustration when I pulled away from him and said, "What the hell did they do to you?!?"  Of course, I said nothing and flinched at his tone.  When I came home from the doctor a few weeks after that and Grandma explained what was going on, he said, "I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THAT MAN!"  This is where the lesson he taught me about forgiveness comes in.  You see, he began to change.  Slowly at first, and then more drastically.  He became angry and irritated at everyone in the world - except me.  Even in my silence, even in my pain, even with all "that man" had done to me, I knew I didn't want to become the person my beloved Grandpa was becoming.  So, I filed these thoughts away and tried my hardest to forgive.  It was impossible at that time.  I didn't know God and no matter how hard I tried, I was always filled with anger.  Time has a way of mellowing pain and God has a way of healing it.  It would be years before I could truly forgive.  It would take me knowing forgiveness from God to be able to give it to others and even then, I struggled for many more years.  It wasn't until after I had begun to learn to forgive that Grandpa also began to learn.  I went to visit them and he had become so angry all of the time that some of that anger spilled over on me, his beloved princess who needed protecting from all of the evils in the world.  He definitely didn't want to be one of those evils, so he asked me how I could forgive after all that was done to me.  I simply answered that God gave me the grace to forgive.  I never had the privilege to see him after that moment, but I have been told that he became even more loving and more gentle than he was in the beginning, that when he surrendered all of that anger to God, it was replaced with more love than a human heart can hold so he simply gave it all away those last few years of his life.  So, in his unforgiveness, he taught me to forgive and in his forgiveness, he taught me to live. 

Taking Every Thought Captive

I woke up from nightmares eight times last night. At one point I took comfort in some scripture that came to mind. The title is from 2 Corinthians 10:5 and was completely out of context in my mind last night. I am not sure it matters. God was able to comfort me and remind me to change my thoughts.

The other scripture is Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

That scripture has bothered me for a long time because, in relation to my childhood and the things that cause the nightmares, the things that are true and honest are not just, pure, lovely, or of good report. They do not hold any virtue and do not deserve any praise. So, for me, it has always seemed a contradiction. I am guessing I don't fully understand that scripture and plan to study it more in the days to come.

It has also bothered me because there have been well meaning Christians who just don't have a clue who would quote that scripture to me and tell me that I should be in control of the thoughts, images, and nightmares that filled my mind and that if something was not lovely or of good report, I should not think about it. That is easier said than done. I don't choose to remember these things and I am learning that the only way to forget them is to purpose to remember them. As long as I try to push the images away, they continue to have control but when I face them and talk about them, they become less significant.

Last night, the two portions of scripture, one phrase taken completely out of context and one scripture that I still do not begin to understand, brought me comfort and enabled me to think about something other than the images the nightmares brought to mind. I couldn't think of anything lovely, but focusing on those words made it possible to not think about ugly things, at least until I fell asleep again. That seems to me to be a step, no matter how small, taken in the right direction.