I want to die.
This isn't a new feeling necessarily.
I have battled crippling depression and suicidal ideations most of my life.
But it's the first time in a long time I've struggled to talk myself out of it.
19 years to be exact.
You see, 19 years ago, I looked down at my little angels looking up at me and realized they needed ME. And it wasn't just that they needed someone to take care of them, but that I was the person they needed. Right then and there I made a commitment to not end my life before they grew up.
There have been a couple of times I have struggled in the last 19 years, but I always could look at my girls and find the strength to go on.
Not right now, though.
And it's not that I think they don't need me anymore.
I know that I know that they always will need me, their mom, to be there ready with my love, guiding them through the next step of life. Usually that's enough.
Not right now, though.
I'm tired.
I want to ....
.... quit....
.... curl up in a ball....
.... sleep...
.... I keep trying to find a word that I can put in the place of "die" to lie to myself just long enough that I will be OK again. But nothing fits. Nothing is quite right. Nothing, that is, except die.
So, I broke down about a week ago and told a friend just how much I'm struggling.
And that's when she said it. "But you're not that selfish."
So, let me tell you why I AM that selfish, and why that's a good thing.
I don't want the last thing I do to be viewed as selfish.
I don't want to be remembered for causing someone that much pain.
And because of this, I will fight to find the strength to face another day. I will struggle to come up with a word that is a good enough lie that I believe it until I can be OK again.
Because #IAmThatSelfish.
