I thought I knew what to expect. I thought I could handle the others going away or combining inside me. I thought that since my ultimate goal is to be whole, to be one person instead of many, that I would embrace these changes. The truth is that it is a mixed blessing. Even those that I don't enjoy being around, those parts that are so different from me that I struggle to accept that they are inside of me, even they are missed and leave an empty ache inside. It seems harder this time. Maybe because I have grown to like OT and I never really got past tolerating Moe. Maybe because Christina and Jo didn't really go away, they just merged to become cj. I don't know. All I really know is that this is different. This is hard. This is like witnessing some part of me slowly die.
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