1 c apple juice - 120
1/2 c cinnamon chex - 80
1/2 c milk - 75
1/4 c rice - 61
2 pieces broccoli - 7
1 banana - 115
1/4 c grapes - 16
2 slices homemade bread - 52
1 homemade tortilla - 122
1 T guacamole - 25
1 t sour cream - 9
1/8 c lettuce - 1
1/8 c tomato - 4
2 t onion - 2
1/8 c chicken - 29
1 c kool aid - 90
Total calories - 808

I had to quit posting here b/c D was obsessing about her calories.  In taking a week off, she started doing it herself but then realized she isn't keeping an accurate count and began asking me for help calculating the total yesterday.  I agreed mostly b/c she was overestimating and therefore eating less and also b/c she has changed her thinking a bit in the last week as well.  She is no longer expecting herself to consume 0 calories a day.  Now her goal is to eat less than 800 and where I still don't think this is reasonable it is the closest thing to a compromise we are going to come up with.  She is averaging about that anyway.

The other night she was crying in my arms b/c she misses being able to talk to her therapist about the every day stresses but she doesn't want to get a new one yet b/c she realizes she isn't ready to talk about the real issues.  It probably won't be long before she asks to be back in therapy.

It is hard to see her self-destruct but at least she is currently heading down that path at a slower pace.

1/2 c noodles - 105
1/8 c spaghetti sauce - 20
2 c tea - 22
2 meatballs - 148
2 slices cake - 884
8 oz lemonade - 120
1/2 bean & cheese enchilada -
2 bites tamale
1/2 hard shell taco
1/4 c guacamole
chips
4 tic tacs
4 bites ice cream
1 c milk

It's my bday... enough said.  She ate b/c she wanted to please me today and b/c we went out to dinner.  Figuring out calories for that meal is impossible.  It is sufficient to say it was a lot.  Homemade deep fried chips and taco shell.

1 c lemonade - 120
2 c tea - 22
1/4 c chicken salad - 120
10 crackers - 160
6 carrot sticks - 180
14 grapes - 28
1/2 slice pizza - 91
1/2 slice cheese cake - 129
capri sun - 80
Total calories - 919


D is quite upset at the number of calories she consumed today.  The pizza, etc were at a youth function and she is learning the difficulty of avoiding eating in a social situation.  She is so very sad.

On the way home she stated that she didn't have anything to give me for my bday.  I reminded her that even though I think she should be eating, I know she is making a sacrifice by eating even as much as she has this week to keep herself from passing out.  That is a gift.  I am not sure she sees it as that but since I have been where she is, I do.

1 1/3 c smoothie - 122
2 c tea - 22
1 c lemonade - 120
french fries - 150
1 bagel - 210
1 t butter - 33
1 t cinnamon and sugar - 6
1 c milk - 150
Total calories - 803


D got quite upset today b/c I called her ped and psy and informed them that she is consuming less than 1000 calories per day, averaging 600.  She doesn't understand why they need to know.  Everything she ate was after 5.  She stated that she will cut back more after my bday on Thurs; that she doesn't want to pass out on or before  then.

2 pancakes - 174
1 T syrup - 50
4 oz lemonade - 60
8 oz tea - 11
12 oz milk - 225
banana - 105
2 t chocolate syrup - 33
Total calories - 658


I have a rule that D sit w us while we eat family meals even if she is not eating.  Most days she eats a little something.  Today though she didn't eat at all at dinner.  She ate the pancakes around 2 and the banana near bedtime.  I am amazed that she is still functioning and that she hasn't passed out yet.

8 oz lemonade - 120
1 homemade tortilla - 122
1/2 t butter - 17
1/2 t cinnamon sugar - 3
8 oz milk - 150
2 strawberry newtons - 100
16 oz tea - 22
1/4 c corn - 41
1/4 c fruit - 24
bbq sandwich - 173
Total calories - 772

16 oz lemonade - 240

1 3/4 homemade tortilla - 213
2 T shredded cheese - 7
8 oz tea - 11
applesauce - 60
Total calories - 531


D is eating little enough to be getting sluggish and snotty, especially w the added complications of her TBI.  She hasn't consumed anything solid since shortly after 1.  She is sluggish and angry - not a good combination.

I started telling her the total calories she had consumed yesterday b/c I figured she could find them here but idk... she is writing them in her journal.  Something about that doesn't sit right w me.  

Tea Anyone?

This post is long overdue.  

In August, we had the privilege of spending a week with Debbie and her family.  There were a few outings, but most days were spent leisurely around the house.  We talked, we swam, we cooked, we ate.  It was exactly the relaxing and refreshing time my family needed.  

Debbie is just as she appears on her blog.  Except more so.  Because she cannot be contained by the words she types or the pictures she posts.  She is deeper, sweeter, and well, more than I expected.  The faith and peace that exude from her blog is amplified in her home.  Simple words spoken have given me strength and wisdom and a closeness to God in the tumultuous months that followed.  Words that might not mean anything to anyone else have flitted through my brain and helped me to land back in my Father's arms.    Moments sitting with tea cups in hand or gathered around the table enjoying the company even more than the food.  I can't really write here the things that we did, but I can tell you that I count it a privilege to know Debbie and her family; that in meeting her, I met a friend and for that I thank God.  

And in those quiet moments since that I need a reminder of that peaceful visit, I curl up in my chair with a cup of tea, close my eyes, breathe deeply and I can almost imagine I am there.  We miss you guys!

8 oz lemonade - 120
24 oz tea - 33
1 tortilla - 150
1/4 c beef, peppers, onions - 50
1t sour cream - 10
1/2 slice bacon - 35
1/3 c ice cream - 87
1 t caramel syrup - 18
1/4 c milk - 37
Total calories - 540

Today we were having leftovers for dinner.  D grabbed a piece of bacon and ate it while we were preparing our dinners.  When I asked her what she was going to eat she said nothing.  I reminded her that even if she is  not planning to eat that she might want to save whatever little thing she is eating for dinner.  She asked if I was mad at her and I said no.  Then I explained that I have spent my whole life protecting her and now she is hurting herself and I can't protect her and I asked her how she would feel if she felt that helpless.  She said that she would be angry at herself.  I told her to remember that when she thinks I am mad at her about not eating.  She has been cold all day, wrapped in a robe or blanket even though it is 75* in the house.  She also has very little energy, laying in a chair not really focusing on anything at the moment.  It sucks to see her hurt herself like this.

Ants climbing a tree - 160
pb crackers - 200
vitamin water - 125
strawberry newtons - 150
soft tacos - 637
8 oz lemonade - 120
Total calories - 1392

Today was an emotional day for D for many reasons.  She is menstruating.  She had therapy and refused to work w her T any more and then later regretted that decision.  She is beginning to understand the consequences of eating less and feeling the effects in her thinking and mood and endurance.

D stated she is quite sad today.  She is struggling with the reality that everyone sees her body different than she does.  I wish there was a way to fix her pov so that she sees what is really there.  She is also upset b/c she thinks she ate too much today.  She stated that it is her goal to consume 0 calories per day and amended that to less than 1000 calories per day even though it has been explained to her that it takes at least that much to maintain basic body functions.  

cherry danish - 420
1 c milk - 150
icee - 150
1 c egg drop soup - 53
9 sugar snap peas - 16
Ants climbing a tree - 160
1/2 c vanilla ice cream - 130
1 T  caramel topping - 55
Total calories - 1134

Tonight at dinner, D said that she thought vegetables were her best friend and I said that they were definitely both filling and low calorie and that they were better for her than other things she might eat.  Trying to take what she says focused on weight and teach things that keep the focus on health is sometimes hard.  We also talked about the pluses and minuses to me telling her the amount of calories she consumes each day but I still didn't commit to telling her either way.

Calendar

I bought a calendar yesterday.  I haven't had to buy one in years but this year none of the businesses I frequent offered one to patrons, so I bought one.  This was inside it:

When the time was right, 

the sea parted,

the walls fell down,

the lions went hungry,

the sun stood still,

the star appeared, 

the waves were calmed, 

the stone was rolled away,

the LORD ascended...

And when the time is right,

the King of Kings will return.

God is never early and He's never late -

He's always right on time and His plans for you are good.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

JEREMIAH 29:11

What a timely reminder as we start this new year.  

12 oz lemonade - 180
1 tic tac - 2
1 tortilla - 150
1/4 c beef, peppers, onions - 50
1 T sour cream - 30
1 c tea - 11
1 pancake - 87
1 t syrup - 17
1 c chocolate milk - 220
2 1/2 slices bacon - 185
Total calories consumed - 932

D knows I am charting it and wants to know how many calories she is consuming a day.  I am not so sure that is a good idea so I told her I would get back to her.  She is being quite persistent. 

D continued not talking through lunch time and then decided she had had enough of that.  She seems to be mostly in an aggreeable mood except for the times that she is snappy w her sister.  She is also a bit sluggish, which is to be expected.  I did remind her this morning that water has zero calories and to please not get dehydrated so she has been drinking all day.  

1/2 c frosted flakes - 73
2c milk - 150
1 tortilla - 150
1/4 c beef, peppers, onions - 50
1T sour cream - 30
3 oreos - 225
1c lemonade - 120
1c tea - 11
Total calories - 809

She hasn't eaten since 1.

She vowed not to talk to me but the vow of silence didn't last long... she has already spoken a few words and then catches herself... she is writing some things down, too... it almost seems like she is communicating more than when she talks.

I have decided to start charting my D's calorie intake for the day.  I was charting it on another site but I am not convinced it is accurate.  This didn't seem all that important while it still appeared she was eating normally, even though she has had an inaccurate view of her body for a year now.  Up until now we have been able to encourage her to eat normally for health reasons and then she made a spiritual commitment to eat which also worked for a period of time.  I think that is time over.  

8oz lemonade - 120
4 ritz crackers - 64
10 slices pepperoni - 100
1 slice cheese - 90
1 1/2 c chocolate milk - 330
6 tic tacs - 11
tortilla - 150
1 T sour cream - 30
beef, green pepper and onion - 50
8 oz tea - 11
2 bites special K bar - 13
2 bites special K cereal - 7
3 bites cliff bar - 60
2 special K chips - 8
1 oz special K shake - 3
applesauce - 60
Total - 1107 calories

She ate more than it appeared today but still not enough.