I don't even begin to understand... M wants me to be the mom that doesn't care, doesn't show up, doesn't love her, doesn't hold her, doesn't hold my tongue... maybe it would be easier for her to follow through with whatever warped plan she has if I was... idk.  All I know is I can't be that mom and she needs me not to be.

I am way too mellow.  This has got to level out soon.  This up and down is making me crazy.

I don't know what to credit  my calmness with right now, but I am thankful for it.  Presented w the same scenario a year or two ago, I would have been mad as a hornet.  Today although I am frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, and annoyed I am acting calm and not overly mad.  People still suck, though.

I am less hyper today.  Still hyper, but controlled.  My h/a is insanely bad.  I am also edgy.  I am not being mean, but I am also not tolerating anything from any of the kids.  M keeps giving me looks.  J and L seem fine with it.  Except of course at lunch when I went through all of the options and L had said no to all of them.  I said, "This is what's for lunch, people" and started going through the list again.  She settled on leftover roast.  I figured out the other day that she is holding out on eating whenever she knows her mom is coming soon so that her mom will take her out to eat when she says she is "stttaarrrvviiinng!"  It's annoying.  Today, though, she is eating b/c she knows she will be here all day.  We have been outside since 10:30.  It's been fun.  Lots of laughing and smiling and interacting in ways we haven't in a long time.  A is babysitting for pay again today.  A new family that she has never watched before.  A 9yo boy and a 5mo baby.  I am going to relieve her for lunch in a few minutes.

A and I were talking.  First about her stress; me being hyper and M coming home w/o being better.  About M, she commented on some of the things I had noticed that are indications that M is a little better and some things I hadn't.  Things like she is less snappy and less likely to have a whatever attitude.  We talked about how these little changes aren't really changes in M but rather changes in the depression, that depression really robbed her of these parts of herself.  Then A said that I used to be hyper all the time.  She's right.  It has been years, but when I am not depressed, I am extremely hyperactive.  I had to force myself to slow down and communicate and be understood.  Everything about me is in hyper speed all the time when I am not depressed.  I learned to control the fast talking and to be still when I needed to, but the hyperactivity was always there.

"Yeah" was the response I got when I said "I love you" to M tonight.  It's a good thing the love I give them isn't conditional in any way or dependent upon their actions... It sucks to hear that.  It sucks to know she is hurting that bad.  It sucks to know she is that angry.  It sucks in a big way.

The hyperactivity is finally calming down.  Right now there are only moments of hyperactivity surrounded by normal activity.  At least that is what it seems to me.  The girls think I am still quite hyper, but I can sit and focus and think so it is definitely better.  And I am tired.  That's got to be good.  I will take the med again in an hour or so.  I hope things level out.  I don't really want to try another med though I will if this one doesn't work.  We'll see what tomorrow holds.



M is really sad.  She is hurt that I don't want her to be in her room.  She is hurt that I don't trust her to have her razor during a soak bath.  Hello!  She said she didn't know if she was going to try to kill herself and that she didn't know if she would tell me if she was.  What else would I do?  Just give her free reign of anything and everything that could harm her?  I don't think so!  She is enjoying little things like sunshine and rain and wind and salad and refills on her drink and the taste of tea.  She is polite and remembering to thank me for things or ask me for things instead of assuming she is entitled to things.  I know some of this didn't come from the hospital stay.  Some of it is beginning to be less depressed and reminded of the beautiful young lady she was before the depression began robbing her of those things.



A is edgy.  Who can blame her?  She has had to carry a lot of responsibility this week; watching the girls and staying home alone and being strong when she visited her sister.  And now I am hyper which has to be annoying. And M is home and no one really thinks she should be.  Well no one except the dr and/or therapist that released her.  I really don't like that therapist.  I still think Bryan was a better choice than Immanuel and I will take her back to Bryan if she needs to go back.  I just hope it's not soon.

today I am thankful for

• a working car


• that M is getting the help she needs


• that A is cooperative and able to watch the little girls


• that ML is OK with me leaving the girls w A


• for MS.  I don't think I would have made it through this week without her


• that the weather has been tolerable


• that hospitals have come a long way in the last 20  years

Free Time

On my schedule it says "visiting hours."  On her schedule it says "free time."  I remember free time... I didn't have visitors.

d2d=8 I thought it might be good to have a starting point.



Leaving her today was hard.  She needs me so much.  I just wanted to take her with me and make everything OK like I could when she was little but I can't.  I don't have that magical power any more now that she is bigger.   She needs to stay there to heal.  She even said today that it was good to be there, to have time to heal.

Guys, I am sorry.  I haven't completely figured out how to control the walls since Moe is gone.  I am learning that as I get overwhelmed, the walls become stronger and it becomes harder to moderate them and communicate with you all.  I will get better at this with time.



cj,  The hospital is best.  I am not sure how to explain why.  It is not like what you and I remember.  In some ways it is, but in most ways it is not.  Trust that.  If you can, pop in tomorrow when I am visiting M.  Just don't cry.  That would stress her too much.  I just couldn't keep her safe without help.  Call or email Melissa.  She should be able to explain what I am too overwhelmed to articulate.



TA, I know you don't like the feelings.  Neither do I.  Especially not as intense as they have been lately.  Breathe and know that it gets easier to deal with the intense feelings.  Almost like reading a scary book or watching a scary movie like you like to do.  After a while you get less sensitive to the feelings.  I am guessing you have figured out that M is in the hospital b/c she wants to die... If you have more questions, just ask.  I am glad you wrote your questions here.  I wish some of the others would communicate here.

Woah!  I just read the post from earlier... M is suicidal?!?  What's with that?  And a hospital?  Really?  How could that be best?  cj

Hi TA.  I don't know much either.  I know it is about M.  I know she is in Lincoln.  I think I know this is a good thing, though I don't know why.  I know we are all sad, partly from this and partly b/c Moe is gone.  Hang in there.  cj

It's hard when I come and I know something that isn't the whole.  Like just now... the last thought of whoever I came after was "I miss my little girl."  Then I just start out being sad and confused and I don't like either of those feelings.  Who?  Where?  Why?  I want to go look in the room but I might wake them up.  

Visiting M was nice.  We talked.  Really talked.  She sat in my arms and wanted me to hold her for a whole hour.  Not sure how wise the therapist and dr were in telling M that their goal for her to be able to go home was that she stop feeling suicidal.  She is already contemplating lying to them.  I discouraged it, of course, but who could blame her.  I would probably do the same thing.  They shouldn't have given her that key just yet...

It has been a loooong day.  M's 1st appt was at 9 and her last was at 4 w 2 more in between.  And I know she is stressed.  She has been nit-picky and irritable all day.  She has accused me of being mean no less than three times, trying to pick a fight no less than two, and not listening no less than five... and I did fine all day until just a few minutes ago when I snapped back at her.  SCREAM!!!!