Leslie and Libby like their new names.  OT is furious.  She thinks that naming them will only make things worse.  I think the pieces must heal to become part of the whole and that naming them sometimes helps, like with Moe.  TA is agitated about it, too, though I can't tell why.



Yesterday when I talked about that event, another went through my mind, and then another.  I hate when they come at me in clusters like this.  It is hard enough to deal with one at a time when life is calm.  I don't have time for any of this right now.



There is so much to do!  We accomplished everything that was on the list for today except sewing and printing directions and certain things still need to go in bags.  It seems like the list keeps growing, though.



If I could hibernate and sleep for a few days, I would.  Caffeine may be my frienemy this weekend, especially if I don't sleep well tonight.

The girls are driving me crazy!  A is not listening and M is snappy.  J is "bored" and she just got here... she hadn't even been here 5 minutes when she said that.  L is not driving me crazy but I am a bit concerned about her.  I don't think she is handling the stress going on in her life well.  She is disinterested in everything.

Better.  Breathing is coming naturally again.  I slept a nominal amount last night meaning I only recall four nightmares and was able to go back to sleep relatively quickly after each one.  I still have to fight to keep thoughts focused on now but at least I can win that fight.  And I have to fight to stay present.  Sometimes I lose that battle, of course.  My h/a is insane b/c of all this, too.

I can't keep my mind focused on now.  I can't even empty my mind so there is nothing.  I am constantly bombarded with those images.  This sucks.  I don't have time for this today, this week.  This really sucks.

That could have gone worse...

I am so very awake.  I did fine as long as I could keep my mind busy.  Then I went to bed and the images were so vivid.  Then I went away... I am so very tired.  I wish I could sleep.

On days like today, remembering to breathe is a full time occupation.

Who wrote that about church?  And who else agrees with it?  I go sometimes because it is the right thing to do.  Sometimes because it is good for the girls.  Sometimes because it helps, God helps.  Lots of reasons really.  Why don't you like church?  ET

I just don't care - about anything.  I can't even get excited about the trip or the money received that guarantees we can go.  And as of today, I am not even faking it well.

I hate church.  And I think that is true for most of us.  So why do we go all the time?

I went in to wake M up for church and caught her laying in bed awake and not getting up this morning.  It is important that she not do this and stressful when I realize she is.  It is important for two reasons.

1. We are tracking her wake up time and if she doesn't get up she doesn't give an accurate time.  That one is relatively unimportant compared to the other.  


2. She has this moment of quasi happiness when she wakes up.  If she gets out of bed before the depression hits her square in the face, that moment is stretched and she has a better day.  A string of better days could theoretically lead to a reduction in depression.  Very important.

I really am stressing... I just said a cuss word.  oops

I am not OK today.  It doesn't help that I am so very tired and there is so much to do.  Everything is draining.  Even little girls giggling, which usually isn't.

OT, try to remember to breathe!  Yes, it is stressful to switch so much.  Yes, it is stressful when things need to get done and you lose time.  Yes, it is stressful when the depression is this bad.  We are all a bit stressed.  Everything will get done eventually.  The bills are paid.  Now that you have made a check list, it is getting checked off even when you are not around.  Ask for help if you need it, OK?  And don't forget to breathe.  ET

A is stressing beyond belief.  What gives?

It's Friday!  It is so freakin stressful to forget and not get things done!  And then to not be able to do things when I remember b/c it's the wrong day!

It's only Wed?!?

At least one of us is doing better.



A was crying earlier that she can't handle M being depressed any more, that M takes everything personal and that she can't handle trying so hard to not say the wrong thing.  I acknowledged that it is hard and reminded her that I love her and pointed out all she is doing well.  I wish there was more I could do.

Just getting some things done and off my to do list is helping a little.

I knew that wouldn't last.  Whatever.  Doing what I want is not an option so I will keep doing what I should.

I am better this morning.  Not overwhelmingly sad.  Not anything really.  And I can at least generate a to do list in my head.  I wonder how long it will last.

A is feverish.  She didn't want meds, so I didn't make her take any.  She'll wake up if her temp goes up and I will give them to her then.  Otherwise, maybe she will sleep it off.

I am really sad.  Want to curl up on the couch and not move kind of sad.  I am forcing myself to do things.  Not sure how long that will last, but for now it is working.  Not helping, but working.

The ed hospital that Dr.L recommends is in MN.  That is important to remember.

I am stressed.



M has an MRI scheduled for Thurs b/c Dr.D is "concerned."  The xray he took yesterday showed the skull fracture more clearly than I have ever seen it but her sinuses are clear.



We picked up the truck last night.  Nice truck.  Stressful b/c I don't want anything to happen to it while it is in my possession and my parking space is really tight.  Stressful b/c we got home at 11.  Stressful b/c it takes some adjusting to get used to the space it takes up on the road.  Relieves a whole lot more stress than it creates, but still stressful.  No eating or drinking in the truck except water.  I understand, really I do, but it is a two week road trip.  Kind of hard.  And a bit more expensive.  Worth it, but still stressful.



A doesn't have clothes.  Do you think she could have told me this when I might have been able to do something about it?!?



I need to go to Natalie's to sew or to pick up the sewing machine.  When, exactly, am I supposed to have time to get the machine much less sew on it before Sun?



Julie wants my time on Thurs.  I can't say no but I don't have time to give.  I guess we will have a picnic after the MRI and before A's appt.  We may or may not have time to clean on Thurs and we have to be home by 4 to get the little girls.  If the church doesn't get cleaned on Thurs, we will have to clean it on Sat.  I wasn't planning on going into Omaha on Sat.



James is coming by today to install a window unit.   No one can know that the apt complex purchased the unit for my apt.  The house absolutely must be clean and the little girls are already here so cleaning becomes more difficult.



My girls need to finish the posters for Tina.  She really wants my girls to enter.  She really wants my girls to win.  She keeps giving tips for what needs to be done.



And then there is everything that has to be done for Friday.  More money to spend.  More things to do.  A is clingy and M is uncooperative.  Bad recipe for a busy week.



The girls haven't practiced their dance in over a week and they are dancing at church on Sun.  Competition is two weeks away.

M is acting almost happy tonight - hopeful - talking about when she grows up - dreaming.  And she asked me to sit with her during the second session - and laid her head on my shoulder.

tick tock

I can't do anything right, it seems

I tried to go back to sleep but I can't and it is easier to control the thoughts going through my head when I am up and busy.



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Night before last, I set all the different dolls that have been pulled into bed at night lately on the edge of the bed before I went to sleep.  I wanted to know which part of me was waking up.  I hoped if I knew that then I would be closer to figuring out the nightmare that has been interrupting my sleep.  No such luck.  That night, every single toy was pulled into my arms at different times.  That means that at least six different parts of me woke up.  I did the same thing again last night.  This time only two were slept with.  Daisy dog, which all of them like.  I think I will take her on the trip.  And the rabbit.  Because of that, I am no closer to knowing which one is waking up simply b/c I don't know which one likes the rabbit.  It was worth a try.



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The other day I was thinking about the library card incident.  When we lived in Omaha, I went in to the library  for something and there had been a library card issued to me, a book requested in my name and a fine on my account.  I stood there and argued with the lady that I had not set up the account, didn't request the book, and therefore was not responsible for the fine.  The lady said she couldn't close the account until the fine was paid.  As was usual at the time, OT and I were sharing time w OT in the forefront w/o acknowledging that was what was happening.  OT was adamant and agitated.  Eventually, the lady closed the account.  I was wondering the other day if I had really set up the account.  Usually I will have some recollection of events that occur even when I am not present.  I don't remember it at all, so it is unlikely, but still possible.  The possible part scares me.  I hate this part of being like I am.

Sun I asked DR to change the oil in my car.  I thought he was brushing me off, that he didn't want to do it.  MR told me today that he was surprised, impressed that I asked.  Is the reality that it is hard for me to rely on people or ask for help really that obvious?

I've Given Up

That's a bad place to be as a human.

It's a worse place to be as a mom.

I can't keep going like this.

The near violent explosion this morning seemed more than I could handle and in a way it was.  I handled it well in that I didn't react wrongly.  I didn't handle it well in that I cried really easily once we got to the conference - as soon as an old friend asked me some details about M - and was easily upset until I knew M had calmed down - I panicked when I couldn't find her.



Life will continue to be off-schedule until Sun therefore she will either explode, implode, or pass out sometime in the next few days.  I hope I am wrong.

Life Sucks

Part of the problem is that I am too tired/sad/overwhelmed to journal and the irony is that I know if I can compel myself to begin writing again that I will begin to feel better.



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M is right.  I am missing some things.  But she is also wrong.  I am very aware about most of them, just choosing not to press the issue and seeing how far she will go and whether she will begin being more truthful on her own.

M asked two days ago for me to get her some meds for her bad h/a and I forgot... that could explain a lot of today...  at least she's calm now.  I hate waiting for an explosion.  I feel like a bad mom when I do that.  And in some ways it might make it worse.  I don't think so b/c I am careful not to act like I expect her to explode but I might be...

I think I slept last night.  My teeth and jaw hurt from being clenched.  For the first time in weeks my throat isn't sore.  And I am not so overwhelmingly tired.

I have always known she would do good in school, but she might need to go to school outside of home.  If she makes it through this year at home, I can enroll her in several classes at MCC once she is 16.  Otherwise, it might not be a bad thing to enroll her full or half time at the high school.  Something to think about for sure.

Fridays are my favorite day of the week right now.  A can leave here in a pissy mood in the morning and come home in a good mood... lovin it!

I took a nap for a few minutes... sort of... I might be about to remember whatever it is that is causing the nightmares...

It's Over

I always say I am going to be thankful for the reprieve for as long as it lasts.  And I am.  But then I am angry that the nightmares are back as soon as they begin to consume me again.  I don't think I can handle this right now.  This remembering.  Or rather this not remembering but being exhausted from repeated nights of not sleeping.  I don't think I am strong enough.  At least not today.  

Cucumber

Today the smell of cucumber makes me feel like I am going to vomit and I don't know why.  I never really like cucumber except for those rare moments that I crave it and devour it but usually I can tolerate at least smelling it.  

It's A Start

I startled awake and I kept a thought - a memory - the nightmare - for a fraction of a moment before it fluttered away.

I was small.  I was cramped.  I tried to get up and I hit my head.  I whimpered.  And then I froze and tried to make myself smaller, like hitting my head reminded me that I had to stay quiet and stay hidden.  

That's it.  That's all I remember.  Dreaming of hitting my head is what woke me up.  And it was so real that I touched the back of my head to see if it was OK.  Then I reminded myself that I am an adult and I am safe.  I don't even know how old I was.  

just one more reason it's a good thing she doesn't date....

When will she learn to not procrastinate?  When will she learn that sometimes things need to get done outside of the hours she thinks they should get done?  When will she learn to budget her time so there is not panic at the end?



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When I say that it is harder in the mornings, it is not that the feelings are more intense in the mornings.  The feelings are actually less intense, but it is harder to combat them.  When I have the feelings at night, I can tell myself that it is just that I am tired and I will feel better after I get some sleep.  What can I tell myself on those mornings that it is so very overwhelming?

Two. More. Days.



Just. Two. More. Days.

Today is one of those days that I suck at a lot of mom things.  The only things I seem to be getting right is that I am not easily agitated and am encouraging my girls.  I am sucking at providing opportunities to eat on a reasonable schedule.  I guess that's it.  That's not a lot, but it is a doozy.

I am so very tired.  At least I woke up enough to know what age is waking up from the nightmares.  I still don't know what they are about, though.

Day 3 - and I don't have the luxury of being irritable - M is being snotty and I just took stock to make sure that it isn't something I am doing - thankfully it's not



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If I don't find a way to release the stress created by not sleeping by about day 8 or when a big stress hits, I get mean for a day.  I must not let that happen this time.  think think think