She asked about camping.

We were trying hard to stick to topics that were positive or at least neutral. We were trying for several reasons. My oldest really needs me to be present right now and sometimes confronting memories makes it hard for me to do that. Then there are her struggles that are creating enough stress for me to deal with at this time. Plus, I hadn't been having nightmares for several weeks. The reprieve was nice and we were trying to extend that as long as possible.

She asked about camping. This really is a safe topic. Usually. It should be. It is one of the few childhood memories that I have that is not tainted by anything bad. Except... Dino has a way of creeping into everything. And it's not even that we were camping; just that we were outside in areas that are similar to those encountered while camping. There are actually two separate incidents and one that happened in the weeks between. I thought of the last one first, but I am going to put them here in chronological order. It makes more sense that way and I do whatever I can to make sense of these things.

First was late Feb or early Mar. TA could probably say exactly when and I am guessing she would know the kids names. All I remember are the sensations that went along with the moment; the smell of the woods and the girls' perfume, the chill of the night, the colors of the sky. I was 11. One of the girls lived a few houses over in the trailer park. She was 14, I think. She asked me if I wanted to spend the night and I said yes. I didn't really see the need to get permission b/c Dino worked w/ her dad and he would know when he got home. So, I left a note for mother and went. When I got to her place, she left a note for her folks and said we were spending the night at her friend's house. Still didn't seem like a big deal. Mother wouldn't care, so long as I had left a paper trail. So, we set off to walk through the woods to this friend's house. We met her halfway there. The girls were all giggly and excited b/c of how they had tricked their parents and the plan was to spend the night in the woods. Sounded safer than home so I was game. A little later, their boyfriend's showed up and I was put on lookout duty. Around 11, the boys went home. I tried to convince the girls to go home at this point. I figured we would get in less trouble if we said we had hung out in the woods for a while before deciding which house to stay at, somehow I knew the one wouldn't last the night, and if she didn't then we would all get busted. They said no and wouldn't let me leave. Whatever. So we all curled up and went to sleep. Sometime around 2 the one got cold and went home. Then, I wouldn't let the other girl, the one I was supposed to be staying with, go home. I figured it would be better to stay out all night and maybe get away with it than go home and definitely get in trouble. So, we curled up and went back to sleep. A few hours later, Dino showed up and scared the girl and told her she better go on home. He then said he was going to show me what happens to whores that stay out all night. He threw me down and raped me. When he was done, he left me. I lay there crying and shivering and went home after daylight, when I was sure he would be gone for the day.

The next has nothing to do with camping, nothing connects this thought to camping; but it happened before the other and as a result of the first so here goes. The next Saturday, Dino took me to work with him b/c I was in trouble. That in and of itself wasn't that unusual. Since it was Sat, the boss wasn't there. There was Dino, Tony, and one other man working on the house. They were hanging sheet-rock that day. Usually I would have to sit around and not do much unless someone dropped a hammer or needed nails or something but because there were an odd number of workers, Dino put me to work. He had me pounding nails into the sheet-rock while the other man held the sheet-rock in place. At first, it was no big deal. There was lots of yelling how useless I was and that anybody who wasn't stupid should be able to hammer a nail, but nothing out of the ordinary. The man held the sheet-rock in place and I pounded nails. Then he was standing directly behind me, pressed up against me, holding the sheet-rock above my head. I was uncomfortable, but didn't know what to do. Then we moved on to the next sheet and he placed one hand above my head and pressed the other against my side. I said, "Um, Daddy * ?" He glanced over and said, "Just shut up and do your job, you little whore." So, I did. Before long, the man was brushing his hand across my stomach as we moved from one spot to the next. Just as he touched my genitals, Dino came over and said, "You have to pay to play with my things." I was horrified. I looked up at him and saw the man looking at me. He turned to follow Dino and said, "How much?" I couldn't hear what they were saying. The noise that fear was making in my ears was too loud. I was scanning the exits trying to figure out if I could get away before they could catch me but I couldn't move; I was frozen to the spot. Dino yanked me by the hair and whispered, "Play nice. No screaming." Then he pushed me to the man who dragged me into another room. I stared out the pane-less window while he raped me. Then he left me lay there. I climbed through the window and ran into the woods. I hid for a very long time, until after they had left for the day. As darkness began to fall, I hid in another unfinished house on the block and fell asleep. Dino found me and beat me and raped me and beat me again before he took me home. He told mother I had run away.

The next week was spring break. Dino had mother convinced that I couldn't be trusted at home alone because I had run away and had been hanging out with those troublemakers. Monday and Tuesday she didn't have to work so I stayed with her, mostly in my room. Wednesday, she worked a day shift and I went with Dino. Thursday, she worked evening shift and took me to the construction site early afternoon. After the boss left for the day, those three decided to have some beers in the woods. For a while, it was no big deal. I sat on the bed of the pickup and took them beers when anyone hollered for one. Then Dino called for a beer and when I took it to him, he didn't reach for it so I had to get really close to him. He reached behind me and turned me around so that my back was to him while pulling me closer to him. Then he put his other hand in the pocket of my shorts. The pockets had been cut out so he was touching my skin. Right then I made a huge mistake. I said, "No. Please, no." He jammed his fingers up inside of me and yanked my hair and told me to repeat myself. I shook my head no. He pulled/pushed harder and told me not to tell him no. Then he said, "You are mine and I can do what I want, when I want, where I want. Understand?" The man who had raped me the week before said it would be a shame for the bed to go to waste. Dino carried me to the truck bed, threw me down, and raped me. When he was finished, he looked at the guys and said, "I think she would like to have a little more fun. Anyone interested?" The one raped me and then Tony raped me and then Dino started raping me again. I must have passed out because the next thing I remember was a cold can between my legs. The sky was a mix of crimson and orange. I jerked and tried to get up but I was tied. Dino was saying that I had woke up and was up for another round. I turned my head to the side and let the tears stream from my eyes. There was nothing I could do.

*I was required to call him Daddy. Anything else resulted in a slap hard enough to make my head spin and something bleed or a beating so bad I could barely stand afterwards. Calling him any other name just wasn't worth it.