A is puking.  Has been for almost 3 hours now.  And I am somehow, miraculously, keeping it together.  Thank God.  Not trying out for mother of the year or anything, but doing OK.  I hope she stops soon.

McNuggets

I remember when McDonald's came out with McNuggets.  I was 11.  I was perpetually hungry.  He brought home a 20 piece and called mother and I into the living room.  We sat there drooling.  He asked if we were hungry, if we wanted some.  Mother said yes.  I wasn't sure if I should speak though I am sure my eyes spoke volumes.  He laughed.  I started to get up and go back to my room.  No such luck.  He made us stay and watch him eat.  He went on and on about how good they were.

Sometimes before I learned what McNuggets are made of, I would go to McDonald's and buy some just to remind myself that I am safe and can eat if I am hungry.  

Beer Cans

Dino had this pyramid he made out of beer cans.  He called it art and mother would complain about it, before she knew better.  She would whine and say that it looked tacky, that we weren't white trash.  He would slap her and tell her to shut up.  Once, he pushed her into it and it fell over.  He made her stack it again and then knocked it down and made her do it again because she was "too stupid to get it right."  Another time when he threw her into the cans some of them got smashed.  He was really pissed that time.  I think that is the time he broke her foot.    After that, she didn't talk back to him any more.  I hate beer.  I hate the smell of it.  I hate the taste of it.  I hate the thought of it.  I don't mind alcohol, but I hate beer.  

Why?

Why did she make me say that?  She had to know what I was going to say.  Why then was it important for me to actually speak it out loud?  Does it clarify what she knows but hoped she was wrong?  She said that she hoped that hadn't happened to me.  Does it somehow begin the healing process?  She says that speaking weakens the power he holds over me.  But seriously, why?  I don't feel stronger.  I feel numb and a little confused, very scared and overwhelmingly sad.  But I don't feel stronger or whatever.  What purpose does speaking the words serve?  I don't know.  

Celebrations

Butterfly wanted strawberry crepes for breakfast.

 Then she wanted to spend the rest of the day camping at the lakes.

 For dinner she wanted swordfish.  

 And of course there were cupcakes and presents.  

Then we had s'mores.  Yum! 

Slowly going back to normal.  Aware of M and her eating - she actually put sugar on her cereal.  Wow.  That is unexpected.  A is slinking around in the bedroom trying for me to not notice that she is still throwing a fit.  Don't fuss.  Don't cuss.  Don't yell.  She will get over it.  Eventually.  One day she will magically not be a selfish child.  Breathe in, breathe out, and act human.  That would be easier if I were sleeping.  Oh well.  Can't have everything, I guess.

It is not even 9am and I have just said a cuss word to my youngest.  What is wrong with me?  Either way, I sent her back to bed for her attitude.  Maybe it will give me a few minutes to adjust mine and get my head screwed on straight.  Today already sucks.

Right now I suck in the "mom that needs to be attentive so her daughter doesn't starve to death" department.  It is all I can do to stay present.  Accomplishing anything is out of the question.  I really need to get my head screwed back on straight.  Not sure that it's going to happen on my timetable.  It usually doesn't.  When memories come rushing at me like this it is out of my control.  Sucks.  Really sucks.

This week has been full of memories.  Flooding, flashing, overwhelming, at times consuming.  Completely getting in the way of life.  Kind of sucks.

Forgiveness

I know a lot about forgiveness: both giving it and receiving it.  I have needed a lot of it in my life and God is good at forgiving even when people are not.  I have had to forgive many people of many things, sometimes quite selfishly because I know how unforgiveness can eat at a soul until a person becomes someone entirely different.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  Forgiveness was one of the points in Pastor's sermon this morning, how we should go the extra mile to forgive people, turn the other cheek, don't seek revenge and all that.  Mt 5:38-42  That got me thinking about my Grandpa, which is where this post is going.  Before I can tell you the lesson he taught me about forgiveness, I have to tell you about him.  When I was young, he was the most gentle man I had ever known.  He was the one constant in my life as a child, the one person that I never doubted loved me.  He is one of the two people that I know who this quote describes.  He was love personified.  I lived with Grandma and Grandpa off and on throughout my childhood, totalling 8 years.  That might be more than I lived with my mother.  I would have to do the math and that's not where I want this post to go, so maybe another day.  I would sit with Grandpa while he read the paper, just quietly watching him and absorbing his love.  He was good to me.  When I was 12, I moved back in to their house.  The why is a long complicated story.  Part of it has to do with my sister.  She was in foster care and it had been determined that the case needed to be closed; either by terminating my mother's rights or by the child moving from the state.  It had also been determined that mother was unfit to care for my sister.  The caseworker knew that she was also unfit to care for me but that had not been determined legally so she worked to find a loophole that could protect us both.  Enter Grandma and Grandpa.  It was decided that my sister and I would move in with our grandparents in another state, thereby allowing the case to be closed and protecting us both.  Seemed like a win/win.  Not sure it was for my sister, but the lady had good intentions.  Again, I am a little off track, but a bit of history just seems necessary.  So, we moved back in with Grandma and Grandpa.  This was our third stay with them.  Like I said, I was 12.  When we got there, as usual, I was mute.  Grandpa was used to this, almost expected it, and took great joy when I finally opened up and found my voice again after returning to their home.  Anyway, I was more skittish this time.  I avoided eye contact at all cost.  I startled every time anyone walked into the room or made a noise.  I flinched every time Grandpa tried to touch me.  About two weeks after we got there, before the doctor visits and the realization began to hit of what I had experienced in my time away from them, Grandpa showed a rare moment of frustration when I pulled away from him and said, "What the hell did they do to you?!?"  Of course, I said nothing and flinched at his tone.  When I came home from the doctor a few weeks after that and Grandma explained what was going on, he said, "I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THAT MAN!"  This is where the lesson he taught me about forgiveness comes in.  You see, he began to change.  Slowly at first, and then more drastically.  He became angry and irritated at everyone in the world - except me.  Even in my silence, even in my pain, even with all "that man" had done to me, I knew I didn't want to become the person my beloved Grandpa was becoming.  So, I filed these thoughts away and tried my hardest to forgive.  It was impossible at that time.  I didn't know God and no matter how hard I tried, I was always filled with anger.  Time has a way of mellowing pain and God has a way of healing it.  It would be years before I could truly forgive.  It would take me knowing forgiveness from God to be able to give it to others and even then, I struggled for many more years.  It wasn't until after I had begun to learn to forgive that Grandpa also began to learn.  I went to visit them and he had become so angry all of the time that some of that anger spilled over on me, his beloved princess who needed protecting from all of the evils in the world.  He definitely didn't want to be one of those evils, so he asked me how I could forgive after all that was done to me.  I simply answered that God gave me the grace to forgive.  I never had the privilege to see him after that moment, but I have been told that he became even more loving and more gentle than he was in the beginning, that when he surrendered all of that anger to God, it was replaced with more love than a human heart can hold so he simply gave it all away those last few years of his life.  So, in his unforgiveness, he taught me to forgive and in his forgiveness, he taught me to live. 

From Speak, by Laurie Halse Anderson

I have survived.  I am here.  Confused, screwed up, but here.  So, how can I find my way?  Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears?  

.....

IT happened.  There is no avoiding it, no forgetting.  No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding.  ...  It wasn't my fault.  And I'm not going to let it kill me.  I can grow.

Disclaimer

I feel like I should put a disclaimer before the next post, even though there are two at the top of the blog.  This next post is more graphic than most.  I am actually talking about several memories in enough detail that you can probably get a picture of the events.  Please, my one reader, whoever you are, don't read it if it will upset you.  

She asked about camping.

We were trying hard to stick to topics that were positive or at least neutral. We were trying for several reasons. My oldest really needs me to be present right now and sometimes confronting memories makes it hard for me to do that. Then there are her struggles that are creating enough stress for me to deal with at this time. Plus, I hadn't been having nightmares for several weeks. The reprieve was nice and we were trying to extend that as long as possible.

She asked about camping. This really is a safe topic. Usually. It should be. It is one of the few childhood memories that I have that is not tainted by anything bad. Except... Dino has a way of creeping into everything. And it's not even that we were camping; just that we were outside in areas that are similar to those encountered while camping. There are actually two separate incidents and one that happened in the weeks between. I thought of the last one first, but I am going to put them here in chronological order. It makes more sense that way and I do whatever I can to make sense of these things.

First was late Feb or early Mar. TA could probably say exactly when and I am guessing she would know the kids names. All I remember are the sensations that went along with the moment; the smell of the woods and the girls' perfume, the chill of the night, the colors of the sky. I was 11. One of the girls lived a few houses over in the trailer park. She was 14, I think. She asked me if I wanted to spend the night and I said yes. I didn't really see the need to get permission b/c Dino worked w/ her dad and he would know when he got home. So, I left a note for mother and went. When I got to her place, she left a note for her folks and said we were spending the night at her friend's house. Still didn't seem like a big deal. Mother wouldn't care, so long as I had left a paper trail. So, we set off to walk through the woods to this friend's house. We met her halfway there. The girls were all giggly and excited b/c of how they had tricked their parents and the plan was to spend the night in the woods. Sounded safer than home so I was game. A little later, their boyfriend's showed up and I was put on lookout duty. Around 11, the boys went home. I tried to convince the girls to go home at this point. I figured we would get in less trouble if we said we had hung out in the woods for a while before deciding which house to stay at, somehow I knew the one wouldn't last the night, and if she didn't then we would all get busted. They said no and wouldn't let me leave. Whatever. So we all curled up and went to sleep. Sometime around 2 the one got cold and went home. Then, I wouldn't let the other girl, the one I was supposed to be staying with, go home. I figured it would be better to stay out all night and maybe get away with it than go home and definitely get in trouble. So, we curled up and went back to sleep. A few hours later, Dino showed up and scared the girl and told her she better go on home. He then said he was going to show me what happens to whores that stay out all night. He threw me down and raped me. When he was done, he left me. I lay there crying and shivering and went home after daylight, when I was sure he would be gone for the day.

The next has nothing to do with camping, nothing connects this thought to camping; but it happened before the other and as a result of the first so here goes. The next Saturday, Dino took me to work with him b/c I was in trouble. That in and of itself wasn't that unusual. Since it was Sat, the boss wasn't there. There was Dino, Tony, and one other man working on the house. They were hanging sheet-rock that day. Usually I would have to sit around and not do much unless someone dropped a hammer or needed nails or something but because there were an odd number of workers, Dino put me to work. He had me pounding nails into the sheet-rock while the other man held the sheet-rock in place. At first, it was no big deal. There was lots of yelling how useless I was and that anybody who wasn't stupid should be able to hammer a nail, but nothing out of the ordinary. The man held the sheet-rock in place and I pounded nails. Then he was standing directly behind me, pressed up against me, holding the sheet-rock above my head. I was uncomfortable, but didn't know what to do. Then we moved on to the next sheet and he placed one hand above my head and pressed the other against my side. I said, "Um, Daddy * ?" He glanced over and said, "Just shut up and do your job, you little whore." So, I did. Before long, the man was brushing his hand across my stomach as we moved from one spot to the next. Just as he touched my genitals, Dino came over and said, "You have to pay to play with my things." I was horrified. I looked up at him and saw the man looking at me. He turned to follow Dino and said, "How much?" I couldn't hear what they were saying. The noise that fear was making in my ears was too loud. I was scanning the exits trying to figure out if I could get away before they could catch me but I couldn't move; I was frozen to the spot. Dino yanked me by the hair and whispered, "Play nice. No screaming." Then he pushed me to the man who dragged me into another room. I stared out the pane-less window while he raped me. Then he left me lay there. I climbed through the window and ran into the woods. I hid for a very long time, until after they had left for the day. As darkness began to fall, I hid in another unfinished house on the block and fell asleep. Dino found me and beat me and raped me and beat me again before he took me home. He told mother I had run away.

The next week was spring break. Dino had mother convinced that I couldn't be trusted at home alone because I had run away and had been hanging out with those troublemakers. Monday and Tuesday she didn't have to work so I stayed with her, mostly in my room. Wednesday, she worked a day shift and I went with Dino. Thursday, she worked evening shift and took me to the construction site early afternoon. After the boss left for the day, those three decided to have some beers in the woods. For a while, it was no big deal. I sat on the bed of the pickup and took them beers when anyone hollered for one. Then Dino called for a beer and when I took it to him, he didn't reach for it so I had to get really close to him. He reached behind me and turned me around so that my back was to him while pulling me closer to him. Then he put his other hand in the pocket of my shorts. The pockets had been cut out so he was touching my skin. Right then I made a huge mistake. I said, "No. Please, no." He jammed his fingers up inside of me and yanked my hair and told me to repeat myself. I shook my head no. He pulled/pushed harder and told me not to tell him no. Then he said, "You are mine and I can do what I want, when I want, where I want. Understand?" The man who had raped me the week before said it would be a shame for the bed to go to waste. Dino carried me to the truck bed, threw me down, and raped me. When he was finished, he looked at the guys and said, "I think she would like to have a little more fun. Anyone interested?" The one raped me and then Tony raped me and then Dino started raping me again. I must have passed out because the next thing I remember was a cold can between my legs. The sky was a mix of crimson and orange. I jerked and tried to get up but I was tied. Dino was saying that I had woke up and was up for another round. I turned my head to the side and let the tears stream from my eyes. There was nothing I could do.

*I was required to call him Daddy. Anything else resulted in a slap hard enough to make my head spin and something bleed or a beating so bad I could barely stand afterwards. Calling him any other name just wasn't worth it.

Suffocating

Silence slowly sucks the life out like a small leak in a beach ball.
Words are worse.
Empty ones suck it out as fast as a tornado.
Meaningful words are like a ton of blankets.  Smothering.
It doesn't matter; either way, I can't breathe.

Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday, Butterfly!

Storage Closet

Butterfly wants to go camping for her upcoming 16th birthday.  

That shouldn't be a problem...

Except... 

All of the camping stuff was in here...

So, we spent all day yesterday emptying the closet...

Sorting things into piles...

  

There were things to find homes for upstairs...

Things to sell...

Things to give away...

Things to throw away...

And things to sift through...

And we ended up with this...

I talked to my sister for the first time in 10 years.  We spoke for less than 2 minutes.  And in that time, I became more convinced that she is lying through her teeth.  She is "in almost no pain" - "going out now to get something to eat" - "everything came back fine" - bull****!!!!  Day three is the worst!  And she is a wimp when it comes to pain.  Glad she didn't have much to say b/c after the morning I have had, I don't have the patience to deal with that bs.

Quote

Scars remind us where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.

I can't find anything to say where this quote comes from for sure.  Some sites say it was on a Criminal Minds episode.  Whatever.  I like it.

Greeting Cards

Do you remember a month ago when I posted about the girls' fine arts festival?  Well, since then the girls have been hard at work practicing for nationals and trying to find ways to finance the trip.  Printing the book they wrote and illustrated was too expensive to make any money from trying to sell it, but they finished making the greeting cards that they are going to sell.  I made a copy of all four cards for the top of an order form.  

The cards are blank inside.  They are selling them in packs of 12 for $5, plus shipping.  What do you think?

Khalil Gibran

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.

A and I are already fighting.  Fun!

Ralph Waldo Emerson

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Anthony Brandt

The most powerful ties are the ones to the people who gave us birth ... it hardly seems to matter how many years have passed, how many betrayals there may have been, how much misery in the family: We remain connected, even against our wills.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

M woke up screaming from a nightmare about 20 minutes ago.  It didn't take her too long to calm down.  I don't think she fully woke up.

-----------------------

Her pj's are too big.  I hadn't noticed that yet but the shorts are really baggy.

-----------------------

I am feeling and thinking so many things but I would rather pretend everything is fine than try to put it all into words.  I wonder how long that is going to work before I implode.  Maybe tomorrow I can deal with these things.  For tonight I am going to try to go back to bed and get some sleep.  Maybe I will get lucky and actually sleep.

M is in a surly mood.  She has once again decided against keeping the food journal and is seriously regretting her decision to comply.  I won't say it, but I wish it were less of an issue, less of an intrusion into every part of her/our day too.  But the truth is neither of us can have what we want.

Ralph W. Sockman

Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength.

M and I just talked.  It started w I want a new counselor and ended w I am willing to try to trust her w these things for a month and then reevaluate.  Given how today's session went, I think that is pretty good.

What Now?

My oldest child's therapy session today didn't go well.  What the?!?  Now what am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to handle the backlash that I am going to have to live with because of it?  Just one more reason my life sucks, I guess.  If I didn't trust her T so much, I would be freaking out right now.  Because I do trust her I will keep my head down and my mouth shut and wait it out.  Fun, fun!

M didn't dance today.

----------------------

A is throwing a fit - again.  It seems as if I can't get a moment's peace.  She can be so very bratty and self-focused.  But then again, we all can. 

---------------------

Breathe in and breathe out.  Repeat process until it begins to come naturally again. 

M is voluntarily eating a more reasonable amount of food today.  I really think she is trying to make me forget there could be a problem.  So glad I am not dealing with this one alone because she could throw me off the scent easily enough as distracted as I am. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The only plus to the added stress is most of the others have completely faded into the background and will stay gone until everything is more OK again.

I think M is waking up in the middle of the night exercising but I can't know for sure.  Every time I follow the noise she is smothered in the blankets like she is sleeping by the time I get to her room.  Sometimes I really hate the way this apartment makes noise.

10 minutes in the pool felt like almost an hour.  I managed 12 before I had to get out.  I was shaking and way too close to vomiting... then I sat on the edge for 20 minutes till J decided she wanted to get in the deep end.  I managed to stay in the water for another 8 minutes before I could stand it no longer.  Then another 7 minutes and I told them all we needed to go.  47 minutes.  Not bad.  Maybe next time I will be able to stay the whole hour.

--------------------------------------------------------

A is surprisingly in a good mood.  Definitely compliant even in those moments that she is not in a "good" mood.  Hard work did her some good.

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M is still irritated but to be honest so am I.  Every time I catch her looking toward the computer I egg it on by asking if she wants to read whatever I have pulled up.  I should learn to shut up.

I Want To Die

I cannot begin to express how overwhelming that thought is inside of me right now.  Usually, no matter how bad it gets, I don't express it because over the years I have learned that expressing it only serves to intensify it.  It has been more than fifteen years since it has been this bad.  It is all I can do to breathe in and breathe out.  I feel like if I don't say something I will explode.  I want to die.  And yet I know that I will do nothing about that all consuming desire.  I can't.  I live my life every day; every moment; considering the impact of my actions, thoughts and beliefs on my two children.  I can't stop that now, no matter how bad I want something.  This too shall pass.  It always does.  I feel like such a failure.  It doesn't help that my oldest is depressed.  A few months ago, I would have said suicidal, but she traded actively desiring to die for anorexia.  What exactly have I shielded my children from?  They face so many of the same struggles I did.  And I am scared out of my mind that someone I know is actually reading this blog.  The last thing I need is for someone to hover over me like I am with her.  I cant' breathe as it is.  That would only serve to make things worse.  God, please help me.

Oscar Wilde

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Scream!  I have an idea that this is going to be a hellish week and A is going to spend the next seven days in her room.  This sucks!

Oscar Wilde

It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.

Oscar Wilde

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.