Oscar Wilde

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them.

Today was hard.  Good.  Fun.  But hard.  There were so many people.  I was there.  I was gone.  I was there again.  Mostly there.  That was good.  I am really tired.  And in so very much pain.  That comes with being so tired.  And when we were driving home, I was consumed with sadness.  That comes of trying so hard to be happy all day, but it is always hard when it hits me all at once like that.

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I think M mainly only recognizes that I switch if a little comes out.  Except Moe.  She described Moe as "more like your mother than you ever wanted to be."  That sucks.  Granted she doesn't really know what my mother was like except the one thing she remembers and a few things I have told her so it's not as bad as it could be.  If she really knew what mother was like, she wouldn't compare Moe to mother but at the same time any comparison to mother can't be good.

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Moe is becoming less like Moe and more like I don't know what.  Maybe it is because I am trying to understand her and communicate with her and beginning to treat her like she matters.  I would like to think so.

Every time I think M is ready to walk somewhere alone, she misses a car.

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I talked to Moe earlier.  The overwhelming sadness is well - overwhelming - and very in my face.  She said I wasn't doing my job, that I wasn't protecting the one little.  I told her she was wrong.  That I was letting her spend quite a bit of time out and letting her know that life is safe now, catering to her wants and needs as much as possible.  She said that I am hurting her.  I said no, that I am helping her heal.  That holding all of that inside is hurting her.

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It bothers me that I can't get a picture of what all of that is like I can with so many other memories.  The outline of those moments in my brain is so vague that I can't even piece it together except in the most basic understanding.

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M seems less sad.  I think she is in that place before you realize you are less sad, before you recognize that there is hope and an end in sight.

Parking Brake

I am a bit stressed.

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I am stressed, I do little things that can have disastrous results.

Like locking the keys in the car...

Or leaving my purse at the mall...

Losing my credit card in a pile of paperwork...

Or not pulling the parking brake on the car.  

So yesterday...

After I had taken Butterfly for an MRI and to another doctor's appointment...

After she had cleaned the church by herself while allowing me time to hang out and talk to a friend...

After the check engine light had come on in the car again...

Nearing the end of a very long day in the middle of a very long week...

We stopped at CVS because she has decided she wants to wear make-up, more specifically purple mascara, and I couldn't find it anywhere else.

I parked right in front of the door and we went in to find her mascara.

After paying for it and walking outside, Butterfly says, "WHERE'S OUR CAR?!?"

I look around and keep saying, "Is this the only door?" to no one.

So, I walk back inside and ask the question to everyone within hearing distance.

And when they confirm that this is in fact the only door I say, "My car is missing."

This is greeted with a chorus of "What?!?" from around the room.

So I repeat it again.

The manager is called to the front and goes to the back to review the tapes.

The cashier hands me the phone after dialing 911.

I report my car as missing, not believing that anyone would choose to steal my car when there are others in the parking lot.

I am in utter shock.

So, as I am on the phone with the police describing the car a guy asks, "You mean the white one in the ditch over there?"

Yep.

That was my car.

I had forgotten to pull the parking brake and the wind had pushed it backwards until it began going down a hill and into a ditch.

It is the grace of God that no people were injured and no property was damaged.

CVS is on a very busy street and it was 5:00 pm.

The car rolled down into the ditch and up the other side only as far as the street before rolling back and settling in the ditch.

It is the grace of God that the ditch was dry enough that my car did not get stuck.  It took very little effort for me to maneuver it out of the ditch.

I bet I don't forget to pull the parking brake anytime soon.

Confessions

Autumn linked to another blogger doing a list of confessions.  Here are mine:  

1. I am tired of being tired all the time.  I am tired of being sick.  I am ready for all of this to be over.  Like that's ever going to happen.
2. I would rather do nothing than do any other thing.  
3. I live for the moments my girls are away from the house.
4. I ate chocolate and drank a Pepsi today.  If you don't know me well, this won't seem like a big deal.  If you do, you know that this could have disastrous physical consequences for me.  Let's just say the stress relief that came from that action is worth the consequences.  Remind me of that if I begin complaining about those consequences.
5. Goodwill is my favorite place to shop.
6. I am fanatical about cleaning my bathroom and kitchen.
7. I would love to live off-grid.
8. I am secretly glad that we live in an apartment that doesn't allow pets.  Yes, I know all the benefits that children get from having pets but they are expensive and time consuming.  I am too selfish to give that much time to an animal.
9. Sometimes I wear maternity jeans simply because they are comfortable.  
10. Sometimes I forget to pull the parking brake on my car.  Like today.  And today... well... maybe that should be a post of its' own...

At least nothing has changed since this morning.  Except that A has figured out that M is teetering on the edge so she isn't throwing a fit.

M woke up like she went to sleep - on the verge of a meltdown.  And I just fussed at her.  Granted it was legit, but still.  I don't have time for her to explode today.  I should have been more careful.  To top it off, A is acting like she wants to throw a fit.  Great.  Just great.

M went to bed bordering on a meltdown and it is really hard not to be pissed at A for her part in it.

The sadness is really bad today... compounded by being reminded of the things I don't remember, the times and ways I have not been here.  I love these kids and miss so very much of the things that make up their memories.  When we are one, will I remember or will I just cease to exist?



cj

M and I talked for a while tonight.  I don't think she feels like anything was resolved.

I wrote it.  I just don't think to sign my name to my journal entries.  Tricia (OT)

cj,

Yes, M knows about the DID, but A does not.  idk who wrote last Saturday's entry, but I would like to know.  M falls a lot b/c she gets dizzy.  She fell one too many times on that wrist.  The cast comes off May 6.  I know that the forgetting gets hard.  The closet looks good.  Yes, we went to Whole Foods today.  We didn't, however, go to Wal-Mart to pick up tp, pt, kleenex, straight pins.  Maybe that will get done tomorrow.  Before the middle of dinner, the last thing I remember was driving home with a 7yo little.  I managed to stay present until I parked the car and I managed to keep her in the background enough that I could drive while listening to her chatter about what she saw and wanted for dinner etc.  I am guessing you were right that the girls were stressed b/c they were tired and hot and hungry, though I don't know for sure either.  They don't seem stressed now and if "I" had been fussy, they would be.  Hang in there.

ET

Does M know?



Who wrote last Saturday's journal entry?



I guess I need to brush up on sign language...



What happened to M's arm?



cj

I am home.  The last thing I remember was being at church cleaning out a closet with Nancy.



We have bacon, which means we went to Whole Foods recently, probably today.



Both girls are irritable.  Then again, so am I.  It is hot.  I am tired.  I am hungry.  That could explain all of us being irritable.  Or... it could be something I don't remember.  I feel sorry for these kids sometimes.



cj

I am not having nightmares.  I haven't had nightmares, except the one when I first fall asleep, in two or three weeks.

Where I Am At

I used to create a "wordle" of my blog every week. I used it as a gauge; a way to see if my focus was where it should be. On a whim, I decided to make one today.

I think I am doing OK. I may not be blogging much, but when I am, the focus is apparently where it needs to be. :)

M keeps doing this thing...  Every time she realizes that a little has expressed a want; she makes sure I know about it.  Whether it is bubble bath or strawberry soda or anything else.  I don't know quite what to make of it.  I definitely didn't expect this

Have I mentioned how much I hate albuterol?!? the nausea, the shaking, the headache.  Have I mentioned how thankful I am for albuterol?  One word - breathing.  There's this magic moment between treatments that I can fall asleep.  After the jitters stop and before it becomes difficult to breathe again. I missed that moment earlier.  I am beginning to feel a bit better, though.  That's a plus.

I forgot how much I hate albuterol.  The ability to breathe is appreciated.  The shaking is tolerable.  The h/a is intense.  The switching is unexpectedly worse.  Maybe that has nothing to do with the albuterol and everything to do with me being so sick. 

I am at that miserable point of being frustrated with everything just because I am still sick.  I have just enough energy to be agitated by it and not enough energy to do anything about it.  It is compounded by M being in that same place and A throwing a fit all day because she is tired of us being sick.  She is such a whiny baby sometimes.  At least she got to go to co-op yesterday and ride her bike yesterday.