going to the store and interacting w enough humans to buy sugar - too hard

interacting w a neighbor enough to borrow sugar - too hard

interacting w anyone at all - too hard



So what did I do instead?  Lay on my bed and stare at the blinds, watch it slowly get dark outside, stare at the piles of laundry until my mind slowly began to empty - until -- right after I reached that moment of nothingness -- I "heard" a gunshot inside my head and startled and pulled myself back to the reality that is now.  I thought about calling Melissa and asking her to make it stop, but she can't and I know that plus she might ask me about that thought and I don't want to go there right now so instead I will myself to focus on the sounds that are around me like the children downstairs squealing and stomping and giggling and yelling.  It will only work until the moment that my body is so tired and my will is no longer strong enough to keep my mind from going to that point of nothingness.  I don't want to face that thought tonight.