It is weird how ASL is becoming such an integral part of our communicating with each other.

The girls are both stressed and worried about me.  I think I am OK enough that I can wait till tomorrow to go back to the doctor.  M is still pretty sick, too, but she has only been on antibiotics for two days now.

Fine Arts Festival

Our state fine arts festival was this past weekend.  Fine arts festival is something Assembly of God church does every year to encourage teens to discover their talents and become better at using them to glorify God and minister within the church.  My girls entered quite a few categories:  worship dance troupe (together), ASL solo (FigNewTon), vocal solo (both individually), children's literature (together), digital photography (both individually), t-shirt design (FigNewTon), and visual art 2-D (Butterfly).  They did quite well; even earning invitation to nationals for their dance and ASL.  

To earn money so that they can go to nationals this summer, they are planning to sell copies of their book and have some cards printed using the photos they submitted to the festival.  Of course, the cards wouldn't have the words printed at the bottom of the page like these photos do.  

what the ** happened to the one kids' arm?!?

M is better in the mornings.  I think it is our schedule.  After Saturday, life will slow back down to a more normal pace and then I will know for sure.



I have been talking to traici quite a bit lately.  Little things like plans for the day and encouraging her to pick out clothes and decide on hair style but still talking.

M is functioning in slo-mo.  I am not sure if it is the meds or the schedule or what.  It is most evident while she is dancing, but it is there all the time and getting worse. 

I think me being scared of the bats at the zoo the other day was just a weird combination of events.  I was switching way too much, there were lots of people and the bats flying around were unexpected.  I did fine today.  I know partly I did better because I could tell myself we were going to see bats and not to be afraid, but it was more than that; there was no fear to deal with. 

I Can Hope

I picked up a 30 gal fish tank from freecycle just over a week ago and drove around with it in my trunk until today.  Partially because I didn't have time to deal with cleaning the nasty thing but mostly because it brought to the front of my mind something I would rather forget.  Tonight while I was cleaning the fish tank, I wondered if this tank was the same size as that tank.  It seems pretty big to me even now.  I can only imagine how huge it would seem to a small child.  I think that one was 50 gal, but I could be wrong.  The only good thing about thinking about that moment again is that this time I wasn't consumed with fear or anger or even hurt.  I just acknowledged the memory.  Not that it doesn't hurt; it does.  It is just not so consuming as it once was.  Maybe one day all of my childhood memories will be like this.  

A has been doing that excessively annoying thing that she does acting like she doesn't understand anything and can't think for herself.  It is one of her more annoying characteristics when she is throwing a silent fit.  

My responses are out of balance today.

Now I know TA is just being contrary.  All of our movies are stupid.  All of our books are stupid.  Video games are stupid.  People are stupid.  Everything is stupid.  What I don't know is why.  Dealing with the two teenagers outside of me is hard enough - I don't need the ones inside of me throwing fits too.

going to the store and interacting w enough humans to buy sugar - too hard

interacting w a neighbor enough to borrow sugar - too hard

interacting w anyone at all - too hard



So what did I do instead?  Lay on my bed and stare at the blinds, watch it slowly get dark outside, stare at the piles of laundry until my mind slowly began to empty - until -- right after I reached that moment of nothingness -- I "heard" a gunshot inside my head and startled and pulled myself back to the reality that is now.  I thought about calling Melissa and asking her to make it stop, but she can't and I know that plus she might ask me about that thought and I don't want to go there right now so instead I will myself to focus on the sounds that are around me like the children downstairs squealing and stomping and giggling and yelling.  It will only work until the moment that my body is so tired and my will is no longer strong enough to keep my mind from going to that point of nothingness.  I don't want to face that thought tonight.

Define Hatred

hatred - "intense dislike, extreme aversion, hostility"
—Synonyms animosity, detestation, loathing, abomination
—Antonyms attraction, love

I am not sure I agree with the dictionary definition. Hatred as they define it requires caring enough about a person or thing to spend energy detesting it. I think that definition is not the antonym of love. The opposite of love is not caring at all - apathy.

apathy - "absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement; indifference"

To me, indifference is true hatred.

I think TA was just being contrary earlier when she said she doesn't like video games - she is really good at Mario and Pac-Man.  Plus, I know she likes pizza but she said she doesn't this afternoon.  traici likes pizza and she is the one that told M we were having pizza for dinner.  A little wants chocolate chip cookies and all I want is to curl up and do nothing.  The little wins, I guess.

Mornings aren't really harder.  I just expect them to be easier and it is an assault to my senses when they are not.  I expect night to be hard and then I expect to feel just a bit better when I wake up in the morning.  When the waves of sadness come rushing over me in the middle of the day, that is a whole different kind of hard.

I can't freaking win with that kid.

Monet's in the Making... Maybe

This is so annoying.  I really have no idea why A is throwing a fit... again.  I am tempted to leave her in her room for the evening.  I won't but I don't have the time or the energy to deal with a temper tantrum right now.  I am helping M with her painting project.  I am trying to get the last few pieces of the skirts cut out.  It is almost dinner time.  She has a sewing project mess all over the table.  The girls will be here any minute.  Like her bad attitude will fit anywhere in that.  I won't tell her that because this is the day we "scheduled" her fit.  It is just so annoying when she chooses to get upset over nothing.

M climbed in bed with me at 12:15.  I figured she just wanted to be held for a bit before going to bed.  She fell asleep and slept all night.  I forgot how few nightmares I have when one of the girls is sleeping with me.

M took an atarax again tonight.  Either I can see this as a bad thing and assume she is having more h/a or I can see it as a good thing and assume she is finally telling me when her head hurts.  I think I'll go with door #2.

It sucks

I hate when the nightmares are just bad enough that I don't want to go to sleep.  I get so very tired, but I do everything I can to stay awake.

I am tired - sad tired more than physically tired, though that is there too. 



I won't express it anywhere but here, but I am concerned about M's meds.  It is worth a shot.  I keep telling myself that. 

traici is not depressed like most of the rest of us.  When she wakes up with me in the morning, her first thought is about how she wants to fix her hair and what she is going to wear.  She is filled with hope and happiness.  It is so unusual to wake up feeling like that right now so I try to stay quiet and let her think for as long as she will stay around.  I need to convince her to go shopping at Goodwill with me on Monday so that she can pick out some clothes that she likes.  Usually when she starts thinking about our "ugly" clothes she gets discouraged and goes away.



The little one held Squeaky last night but not Mr. Greensboro both during the movie and in bed.  Nightmares were not focused on the fire, but that was in there a little.   Mostly the nightmares were focused on fear of mother.  I was jumpy and woke up at every sound in surrounding apartments.  At one point, I had to convince her not to crouch between the bed and my dresser to hide because she thought "someone was coming."

I didn't cry at church today.

Today was long.  Mostly good, but long.  It was good until 8:15 when M had a partial meltdown.  I knew all day that she was having brain issues.  She is ready for a home day.  She doesn't want me to babysit the girls.  She wants more family time.  She is tired and feeling the stress of all that needs to be accomplished.  I am sure there is more to it, but that is about all I got out of her.  She colored for a bit.  I held her for a bit.  She calmed down and fell asleep but then woke up b/c her head was hurting so bad.  I convinced her to take an atarax.  Somehow I don't think we will make it to church tomorrow.  We will see what the morning holds, but with the time change it was unlikely even before 8:15.

I think of a subject to post about...

I begin to type it out...

I get distracted by the demands of life....

I come back to the computer....

I can no longer follow my original train of thought....

I think of a subject to post about...

Because of this cycle, nothing ever makes it from the ideas in my head to a published post.  I am still here.  I just can't seem to think clearly enough for long enough to get words on a page.

In the meantime, you can check out some of the things my girls have been doing, if you like. 

• School
• Girl Scouts

I was still awake at 2:30... again.  But, on the plus side, I only woke up two times after that.  At least, I think I only woke up two times.  My throat indicates that might not be true.  It might just be that I don't remember all the nightmares. 

I slept better last night.  Not enough to make up for a week of not sleeping, but at least better.  I only woke up four times.  Now if I could just do that a few more days...

At least when I recognize something like I did earlier, I can act different even if I still feel like a zombie.  Well, mostly.

I feel... paralyzed... I know... that's not a feeling... but it is the only word that begins to describe it.  I know part of it is how beyond tired I am, but I am just sitting on the couch not really even looking at anything when the girls don't need help with something.  It's not even like I am thinking of something to do and not doing it, there is nothing that I should be doing even going through my brain.  This is not normal me.  Maybe I will sleep tonight and if I do maybe that will fix this.

Yippee!  A is at it again!  This is what I live for.  This is why I get up in the morning.



Maybe if I wasn't so tired, I wouldn't be so sarcastic; but at least I am not yelling.  I hope I keep it that way. 

Should.  I hate that word.  And yet it is constantly going through my head.  What I should do, think, feel.  And yet I am so very muddled because Moe is there... hi, Moe... so it is hard to make sense of it all.  I am sure that is not all Moe.  Some of it has to be that I am so very tired.  Maybe tonight I will sleep.  I hope. 

I need sleep.  I was still awake at 2:30.  I woke up at least once an hour after that.  I am so tired.

Freak!  I hate it when I do that.  Those moments that I respond to M without the kid gloves on and see the look of devastation in her eyes.  I feel like such a failure in those moments.  I should know better.  I should remember what is going on with her and respond accordingly. 

What sucks is that she did some of them wrong and I had to correct her again and she started crying.

At least A's attitude was short lived.  She apologised to me for throwing a fit about the chores.

I knew it!  I knew A wasn't finished with her rant about how unfair life is and me "nitpicking" everything... Fun!

I should journal about all the stress that was today but I don't know if I can so I will at least type out something. 

• the youth group is not doing the human video and where this alleviates some stress, it adds some as well and now my girls are the only kids going to fa from our church.  I hate our youth group.  We really need a youth pastor... that's not going to happen.


• I want a place to belong.  I don't want to be the freak that I am.  I don't want to be different in so many ways.  I want the impossible. 


• I made a scene at church today.  That's not really fair to me to say it that way, but I am pretty sure that is how it was perceived.  It sucks to be me sometimes. 


• I miss Angie.  I know that the changes in our church are for good, but she was my friend and I miss her. 


• I am not going on the leadership retreats.  This is a relief in a big way.


• the lady got the wrong size shoe for M at the dance store and I didn't double check it so now I have to go back...


• A didn't throw a fit today.  Why is this stress?  I guess it's not, just that I still don't know what her problem is.

It's harder first thing in the morning.  The rest of the day, my mind is filled with all the busyness that is my life, but first thing in the morning...

ALL. FLIPPIN. DAY.  I finally had enough and sent her to bed a few minutes ago.  This is ridiculous!  Thankfully she wants to do everything on tomorrow's agenda or it would be HORRID. Thankfully it is A throwing a fit and not M, b/c M would have escalated by now and she wouldn't be able to control her behavior even if she wanted to on day 2.  So, tomorrow should be a break from this and maybe Monday we will figure out what is going on inside her head. 



Let's see... last night she was upset b/c we were making plans for her to write a children's lit next year... today she didn't want to try the creams and shampoos that dr.d prescribed... life is unfair... she didn't want to do school... she didn't want to do chores... nobody listens to her... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that would truly indicate why she is throwing this big of a fit.  I think I might have to read a journal if this doesn't let up.  Not like she ever really writes anything in there anyway, but sometimes I get lucky. 

I know part of why I get so agitated at her.  She has this way of acting like she doesn't know how to do something or doesn't know the answer that just gets under my skin.  Her ultimate goal is to make me believe that she can't do it so that I do it for her to "show her how" or frustrate me enough that I will do it myself.  It used to work.  Now, not so much; but it is still extremely annoying.  She will drag a simple job out all day long.  She will nag her sister until M "helps" her do a job and then end up only doing a small portion of it because she works slower.  It goes back to what agitated me first thing this morning:  she is manipulative. 

Maybe it's not that I am too hard on A.  Maybe it is not even wrong... different children, different needs, different abilities, different expectations.  How often do I say that to the girls?  And yet, I hold myself to a different standard. 

Why do I get so mad at A?  Why do her actions hurt more than the same action by M?  I think it is that I expect more from her.  I expect her to obey, I expect her to be respectful, I expect her to try hard and succeed.  I expect less from M because she disappointed me more early on.  When she fails, it is expected.  Every time A does something less than ideal, it is a shock.  It's not that I expect her to be perfect, just better.  I think this is wrong, but I don't know how to fix it. 

M & I ran a few errands alone.  I had the chance to listen to her rant a bit more about her sister and talk to her a bit about changing her expectations; that it may not be what her sister is doing that makes her feel stupid but rather her outdated expectation that she will always be bigger/better/smarter than her younger sister and that this expectation isn't true any more.  That sometimes she will know things that A does not and sometimes A will know things that she does not.  She didn't like it, but I think she is beginning to understand.  I hope.  At least she didn't explode and no longer seems like she is about to. 



On the other hand, A did exactly what I expected when I left her home - nothing she was supposed to.  She infuriates me sometimes.

Great!  Now M is ranting about her sister treating her like she is stupid and M seems to be on the brink of an explosion!  I wasn't out there, so I can't know what happened.  All I can know is that A came in and asked if I could help M because M was being mean.  I said sure and gave A a different task.  Then when I was helping M, she was snapping at me and being snotty.  I called her on it and she started ranting about A.  ticktock

Is doing the opposite of what I want a teenage expression of anger or is it something that she has decided gets favorable response from watching her sister do it?  If it is just a teenage thing - whatever - I can deal with this just like I dealt with toddler-hood.  If she has seen her sister get a favorable response - when?  and what can I do about it?  It is definitely one of the more annoying characteristics of my girls when they are angry. 

The other negative to sharing time with Moe is that I don't trust my parenting decisions - any of them.  I second guess everything and it gets frustrating fast. 



A is still having a grand day.  She was yelling at me just how unfair everything is and I tried to calmly reason with her.  When that didn't work, I told her she was right that I love M more and she is my favorite.  Probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. 

Sharing time with Moe comes at a cost.  Our actions are more patient than they would be if only Moe were present, but it is much harder for me to be patient and exhibit self-control.  I do because it is right, but I struggle.  I yell more.  I cuss more.  I am more angry and it takes longer to feel calm again.  And then when I begin to feel calm, I berate myself more inside my own head.  For what I did, even if it wasn't wrong; for what I thought, even if I didn't do it; for what I felt, no matter what.  And then it quickly deteriorates from that to all of the other feelings that Moe carries around all the time.  There is benefit in the big picture, but in the short term sharing time with Moe definitely comes at a high cost.

A is sneaky, manipulative, deceptive.  I hate these qualities more than I hate out and out defiance.  With her underhanded way of doing everything, I have to guess and it gets tiresome. M is easier to deal with.  At least she is honest about hating me or not wanting to do something.  Defiant, angry, explosive - yes - but I think that is easier to handle because at least I know what I am up against.

This is shaping up to be a wonderful day.  A got up at 7:30 throwing a fit.  She is of course back in bed.  Hopefully I can get some more rest before her sister wakes up.  I don't know if she is throwing a fit because she doesn't want to do school today (optional) or if she is feeling guilty for reading in her room at night (possible, though I called her on it the other day) or if something else is bothering her.  Whatever it is, I am tired of her bs.  She needs to learn to just speak up instead of this.

I am tired.  That deep down weary kind of tired that no amount of sleep will make go away.  I need two things, two completely unattainable things:  a night or two with no nightmares and some time off from the pressures of being mom 24/7.  A day or even several hours.  I am not going to get either any time soon...

I am tired.  I am in pain.  I don't want to go to sleep.  And I don't think I should take a pain pill.  I am finally almost always present.  I don't think it would be smart to do anything that I know could mess that up. 

The nightmares weren't as bad last night as I expected.  And though they were focused, they were focused in a different direction than I anticipated.  Maybe tonight won't be as bad.  Maybe it is only a one night thing and will go back to "normal."  I can hope. 

cj,

It's nothing.  I am fine.  Pastor posed a question to the class this evening and I didn't handle it well.  That's all.  It might be a long night, though. 

ET

It's late and I should go to bed, but it feels so good to have a minute of calm and being out.  I am not sure what that last entry is about and I would like to know...



cj

not ok

I keep thinking it is Friday.  I don't know if it is just that I am so very tired or if one of the others is popping in thinking it is Friday and then leaving again. It's annoying.

M took the initiative and did something just for fun - and was laughing by the end.  It feels good to see her smile.