When we were walking in, A whispered "I'm sorry."  I told her that although her actions may have agitated her sister, they did not cause this.  M is like a ticking time bomb and she will explode eventually even if she is not provoked.  What A doesn't realize is that sometimes agitation just a little early, though it may seem to cause an explosion, really only causes a mini explosion and serves to allow her to let off some steam before those emotions and resulting actions are out of control.  Sometimes, if it is timed just right, setting M off like A did this morning is actually a good thing.



After dinner I talked to M about BoysTown.  She had screamed at the gas station that maybe I should just send her to BoysTown already.  I asked her why she had said that.  She explained that she thought they could help her with all of her problems.  I told her that we couldn't guarantee that it would be BoysTown, it might be Immanuel or Jefferson House or even juvi if she did something bad enough.  I told her that it wasn't the answer she thought it was.  That it is not something I would choose for her.  That if she goes, her actions will decide that.  She said that she wasn't going to do anything that would make me put her there.  I told her that she needed to be careful then and actions like today's are flirting with danger, that today she got lucky and was able to control her actions even after letting it go that far, but sometimes it's not possible.  Then I said that the ache inside from her thinking that I don't love her would only get larger if she went somewhere because she wouldn't be able to see me or talk to me every day; that she needed to find a way to fix this before it got that far. 



A few minutes later I took a risk and invited M out of her room to play a game w A and I.  After two hands of Fluxx, I told the girls that since today was "Saturday" they could do the Saturday chores.  Both complied. 



M is so broken.  She looks defeated, like she believes she is worthless.  I wish I could fix this, kiss it and make it better like I did when she was small.  I can't and that is hard.  I am scared for her whenever I am not scared of her.