I have been wanting to get back to the computer and journal since a few minutes before 3.  The chaos and busyness of the evening was insane.  And I am overwhelmed.  At least I have managed to stay present.  I think some of the others are helping me.  They may not be up to parenting the girls right now, but they also know that Moe doesn't need to be in charge.  She will eventually mellow out again.  Jim would ask what gift she had to give, what I need to learn from her.  If anything, it is the ability to feel intensely.  If I could learn that and still be as in control as I am, that would truly be a gift. 



OK.  Back to the beginning.  After A chilled out, M told me why she thinks I lie to her and though it defies logic, it isn't something I did or can easily fix.  Every time I say "I love you" she thinks I am lying b/c she feels unlovable.  And then she talked about thinking about killing herself, going so far as to have an outline.  Crap.