Today was long.  After church and before fine arts practice, we went all over Omaha looking for material for M's dance outfit to no avail.  I asked Autumn to look for some.  Hopefully she has better luck.  I need to buy them dance shoes, too.  They have NO CLUE just how expensive all of this is.  Dance alone is costing me over $100, registration is $100, then music and art supplies... Oh well.  Both girls have accomplished enough of their fa stuff to get to enter everything they want so I am not going to complain about my end of things.  They are working so hard on all of it. 



It feels so good to come to the end of the month and have both girls caught up on school hours and to know that they are almost caught up on school assignments.  I am doing something right, I guess.  :)  Imagine what a month with fewer distractions from outside appointments will be like.  There's very little to detract from school work currently on the schedule in the month of March and with warmer weather we can do more science experiments, too.

I hate this feeling.  I hate going from fine to whatever with no notice.  The reality is that I am not fine, but numb, not having an identifiable emotion.  It is just hard when the emotion clicks on too late. 



My mind was so stuck on her TBI when M described this a year ago that I did not connect the dots.  Really, she let us know she was depressed forever ago and I missed it.  And now we are both there and I feel like I am lying through my teeth when I tell her there is an end in sight, that things will get better.  I can't believe I missed it.  This would have been so much easier to fix then than it is going to be to fix now.  Oh well.  What's done is done.

M and I talked for a bit.  It is hard, sometimes, to not react when every fiber of my being aches for her and wants to fix whatever is wrong, or whatever.  The talking is good and I know she needs me to not react.  She shared a poem with me and I reminded her she would get past this, that life would be better later.  Mostly she is just hurting and scared that life wil never hold joy again and though I can tell her it will, I know what it feels like to not be able to see that for yourself.  Truthfully, though I would never tell her this, it is just words for me right now.  Words that I tell her and myself because I know they are the right words but I don't believe them any more than she does. 



We talked about her not wanting to need counseling and I compared that to me not wanting to call a mechanic when I don't know how to fix a car or not wanting to call a dr when otc meds aren't fixing a problem.  She gets it.  She doesn't like it, but she gets it.  I think that will have to be good enough for now. 

In the end, it worked out fine.  I should trust my instincts more often. 

Wendy

When I was in my early 20s, I went to a day treatment facility after being released from the hospital.  Wendy was a counselor that worked there.  When she shot herself, I watched that community and her family struggle, I heard her children question what they had done wrong, I saw the lives of some of her patients who had been barely holding together completely fall apart, I listened to the other counselors question their ability to do their jobs, I heard them remind us over and over to ask for help before we got to that point. 

When my oldest was about 2 and it became obvious that she needed me, not any caregiver, but ME; I knew then that I could never kill myself because of the harm it would do to her, the same harm I had seen it do to that community a few years before.  Until that moment, I had often considered suicide.  I think if I had recognized the permanence of that commitment at the time, I wouldn't have been able to make it; but I thought I was committing to not kill myself until my children were adults.  Little did I know that they would always need me. 

OK.  So why am I torturing myself like this?!?  Why did I let her out of her room before she was entirely calm?  Every interaction is a struggle.  Every question she asks begs me to fight with her.  Every moment I wonder if it is the last moment she will be reasonable and if I will get lucky and send her to her room in the nick of time.  OH help.  Sometimes I doubt my parenting decisions. 

When we were walking in, A whispered "I'm sorry."  I told her that although her actions may have agitated her sister, they did not cause this.  M is like a ticking time bomb and she will explode eventually even if she is not provoked.  What A doesn't realize is that sometimes agitation just a little early, though it may seem to cause an explosion, really only causes a mini explosion and serves to allow her to let off some steam before those emotions and resulting actions are out of control.  Sometimes, if it is timed just right, setting M off like A did this morning is actually a good thing.



After dinner I talked to M about BoysTown.  She had screamed at the gas station that maybe I should just send her to BoysTown already.  I asked her why she had said that.  She explained that she thought they could help her with all of her problems.  I told her that we couldn't guarantee that it would be BoysTown, it might be Immanuel or Jefferson House or even juvi if she did something bad enough.  I told her that it wasn't the answer she thought it was.  That it is not something I would choose for her.  That if she goes, her actions will decide that.  She said that she wasn't going to do anything that would make me put her there.  I told her that she needed to be careful then and actions like today's are flirting with danger, that today she got lucky and was able to control her actions even after letting it go that far, but sometimes it's not possible.  Then I said that the ache inside from her thinking that I don't love her would only get larger if she went somewhere because she wouldn't be able to see me or talk to me every day; that she needed to find a way to fix this before it got that far. 



A few minutes later I took a risk and invited M out of her room to play a game w A and I.  After two hands of Fluxx, I told the girls that since today was "Saturday" they could do the Saturday chores.  Both complied. 



M is so broken.  She looks defeated, like she believes she is worthless.  I wish I could fix this, kiss it and make it better like I did when she was small.  I can't and that is hard.  I am scared for her whenever I am not scared of her. 

Really?!?  She had to escalate here?  Now?  SCREAM!  M is sitting on the floor in the foyer doing nothing.  And we have to wait on her.  I hate these moments.

OK.  Today is shaping up more like a Saturday: no school hours completed and cleaning the church.  So... Saturday can be more like a Thursday:  6 hours of school.  No one is happy with my decision.  Not sure I care. 

Wonderful!  Now M is completely pissed even though none of this is her issue. 



At 9:47, exactly 2 hours after I told A I was leaving for 30 minutes and 44 minutes after round 2 began, I told her to go to her room.  We are truly at an impasse.  She intends to stay mad until I promise to never do it again.  I promised her I would do it again, simply because she threw a fit instead of talking to me.  This is stupid. 



And it is even more stupid that M has decided to own this issue and be mad, too.  This is going to be a long day.  They are both now in their room.

I feel like screaming, but it won't do any good.  I had an appointment at 8 this morning and I didn't think there would be any harm in leaving both girls home since M was sleeping.  I figured M wouldn't wake up and if she did, A could just stay in my room for a few minutes.  I knew I would be gone less than 30 minutes.  I was right about all of it but I didn't account for the expectation that A would start throwing a fit and not stop until... well, she hasn't yet.  I sent her back to bed 15 minutes ago so that I could have some peace before M woke up, but M is up now and I haven't had the chance to get refocused and calm and A is still pouting.  Great.  Why does she think she will ever get what she wants/needs by throwing a fit?  Why doesn't she just use her words?  What have I done to cause this and how can I fix it?!?

Maybe the extreme tiredness isn't all Moe.  Both girls are complaining about being really tired, too.  Maybe it is just the cumulative stress of these last few days weeks months.  Maybe it is that it is winter and we are out in the sun less.  Maybe it is directly realted to the reality that we have all stopped exercising again.  Maybe it is a lot of things.

OK.  I talked to Moe this morning.  That doesn't happen often.  She was feeling overwhelmingly sad - what's new - understatement - and I addressed her as if I knew she could hear me instead of asking for her.  It is hard to remember things when she is in the background.  My thinking gets muddled.  Even when she's not trying to make me go away, the tiredness is intense.  So, without the clarity and detail that I usually have... Moe and I communicated. 

• I asked her to quit trying to make me go away when the girls were in trouble.  That that was a guaranteed way to not get time. 


• I told her that I would like to learn how to feel intensely.  She was shocked that I actually wanted something from her and that I was willing to spend the time with her required to accomplish that. 


• Then in Moe fashion, she asked what was in it for her.  I told her I could teach her to still exhibit self control when her emotions are intense and that she could learn to love.

We'll see what comes of it...





Now, about M... I am still worried.  I don't know what to do, what she needs, how I can help.  She is not acting out.  Neither girl is.  I just wish there wasn't so much on the agenda today, so that we could really enjoy the peace, but I will take what I can get. 



Oh.  And yesterday she talked about hitting me last time in conjunction with talking about not believing I love her.  I told her that sometimes I think she hits me to try to make me hit her back because that would prove that I don't love her.  She said yeah or if you sent me away I would know you didn't love me.  I told her I would never stop loving her.

I have been wanting to get back to the computer and journal since a few minutes before 3.  The chaos and busyness of the evening was insane.  And I am overwhelmed.  At least I have managed to stay present.  I think some of the others are helping me.  They may not be up to parenting the girls right now, but they also know that Moe doesn't need to be in charge.  She will eventually mellow out again.  Jim would ask what gift she had to give, what I need to learn from her.  If anything, it is the ability to feel intensely.  If I could learn that and still be as in control as I am, that would truly be a gift. 



OK.  Back to the beginning.  After A chilled out, M told me why she thinks I lie to her and though it defies logic, it isn't something I did or can easily fix.  Every time I say "I love you" she thinks I am lying b/c she feels unlovable.  And then she talked about thinking about killing herself, going so far as to have an outline.  Crap.

Moe has this way of making me so tired that it is almost impossible not to go away.  The only thing I have found that works is pain; biting my lip, pressing on my sore finger, whatever.  And I do whatever it takes to stay present in those moments because she only does it when the girls are acting out. 



A is upset because... well to be honest I am still not sure.  She was throwing a fit about having to redo her vocab words again.  But she was also upset because I didn't offer to help/hear her ask for help.  And something about using her words.  That it is overwhelming and huge how this one little request covers so much of her life/so many of her struggles.  Or something.  She wasn't making sense and I was trying too hard to stay present to make much sense of it, but I think she feels listened to and I think she thinks whatever it is is solved.  That's going to have to be good enough, I guess. 



M is in her room journaling because she started throwing a fit when A was so upset.  She has been in there over an hour.  She is hiding her journal.  I know sort of where it is and can find it if I am alone in the house I am sure.  I will look on Friday while they are at co-op.  This morning when I scanned the dates, I saw some things that were concerning. 



I am so very tired.  I must stay present.  I must.

M works really hard to control her behavior and attitudes on Monday evenings.  Usually, I am grateful.  Today, it is annoying.  I am not sure I understand the difference expect that her misbehavior has been so constant.  Why doesn't she do this the rest of the time???

If anything, I show more attention to M.  I situate our lives around her needs and whims more frequently.  I am not sure that I do, but sometimes it feels like it even to me.  It is not because I actually "favor" M.  It is just that it makes my life easier, really all of our lives, if she is not agitated.  I would never tell A, but sometimes I think she actually has a case.  Tonight for example.  Both girls simultaneously asked if they could make the pancakes.  I said M could.  Then A asked if we could play a game and I said after dinner; that before dinner I was going to take care of a few things.  When it became obvious that M didn't know what she was doing I sent her out of the kitchen which just served to make her mad, but she complied.  I started putting dishes away and A asked if she could help (2nd attempt to get my attention).  I said no thanks.   If I hang out w A, even to clean the kitchen, M is going to become even more agitated.  Now that I see what I am doing, I am going to do what is right even if it makes M mad, but still - I cater to her more often than not, I think.

But God...

I think sometimes when God does a miracle, it slips in quietly and goes unnoticed...

I haven't had any nephritis symptoms since the first of the year. I don't know if the kidney disease is completely gone or just less severe, I wouldn't know unless they ran more tests, but I do know that I typically would have blown up like the Pillsbury dough boy by now. But God...

Also, my foot hasn't swelled or given me any pain since about that time. In early Jan, I quit wearing the medicine patch and I have had no symptoms. In Oct, the doctor told me to expect to need the patch for the rest of my life; that my foot would never completely heal. He wasn't counting on God doing a miracle. To be honest, neither was I. It seemed like a little nuisance to deal with and I hadn't even asked Him to heal my foot in over a year. But God...

Sometimes, I don't notice when something doesn't go wrong, when I am not sick. Especially when life has been as full of stress as it has been lately. But God...

These reminders make it easier to hold on to faith for the prayers that haven't been answered yet. Since He has done these things, it helps me to believe that He will answer the prayers that constantly pour from my heart; it helps me to not doubt that He will also heal Butterfly's brain and her heart, that He will continue to heal the wounds in my heart, that He will complete all He has started and do all He has promised.

Today at fa practice, it was decided that M would get in a fight w Ashley.  My first thought was, "This can't be good."  Then Pastor walked in and gave the girls some instructions on how to fake a fight realistically.  Not bad information in context, but I can imagine M using those same tactics next time she explodes.  This can't be good.

Today was long.  It started with me throwing a temper tantrum.  Then we cleaned the church and picked up the girls, got lunch and went to the zoo, got dinner and went to the store, came home and baked cookies.  Obviously mostly good, but long.  I am beyond tired, but I woke up that way, so I should expect it.  Thankfully, my temper tantrum ended as quickly as it began and with the diversions of the day the girls didn't join me in throwing a temper tantrum. 

I am doing horribly at journaling this week.



I am agitated.  I know when I got agitated.  I know why I got agitated.  I am doing really well controlling my actions and not snapping at the girls.  However, if they begin to throw a fit later it could be because I am agitated.  They just pick up on the emotion even if I control my words and actions.  This day is going to suck. 

Finally!  Finally A said what is really bothering her about school.  Granted she wasted just enough of the school day that I am not sure she will get her hours in.  That would suck.  I will tally it in a bit.  Anyway, she feels powerless.  She is angry that I require her to do current school work during the school day when she would rather do old school work and she thinks somehow that this is a new requirement.  I pointed out all the ways that she truly is powerless and then pointed out all the ways she has power/choices.  That helped. 



At some point, I also talked to both girls about respect.  That seems to be a recurring subject.  She yelled "NO!" and I yelled back the sentence that always makes her shake with anger, "Don't you ever disrespect me like that!"  It is a stupid thing to yell because I am not acting in a way that deserves respect when I say it.  But it always catches her attention enough that we talk and she changes her behavior.  I am sure that if I did it more often, it wouldn't be as effective.  Anyway, right after I yelled that, she said something with a disrespectful tone again and I asked her if she would talk to Roger Eng like that.  No.  (She doesn't respect him and she doesn't trust him.)  Would she talk to Nancy like that?  No.  (She respects and trusts her.)  Would she talk to me like that?  Yes.  (She doesn't respect me but trusts me.)  I told her she was confusing the two; that trust doesn't equal respect.  Then she said something disrespectfully again and I said she was treating me with contempt.  That ruffled her feathers b/c she believed contempt = hatred.  We looked it up b/c I wasn't sure.  contempt = disrespect  Then I told the girls that you can treat a person with respect if you do not respect them but that you will not treat a person disrespectfully if you respect them.  That really caught their attention.  Maybe just maybe we are making some progress. 



Now.  Who was present?  At the start of the argument, it was OT and Moe.  When OT began to feel like she couldn't control her anger, I showed up.  When Moe couldn't control my behavior and I wouldn't act like she wanted, Moe faded into the background again.  I HATE sharing time with Moe when I am fighting with the girls.  It makes being a reasonable human being and responding like a good mom that much harder.  She is everything I hate.

M didn't wake up all night to take a pain pill.  In fact, those times that she did wake up she determined that her pain wasn't bad enough to need one.  Why, then, is she mad at me now that she is awake and her throat hurts so bad? 

The Best Valentine's Day Ever

My little girls are growing up.  It won't be long before they catch the attention of some young man.  I have often wondered if I am doing enough to teach them to guard their hearts and to protect them from being swept off their feet by the wrong type of boy. 

Today, I had a thought that I should begin pampering them on Valentine's Day.  But... I didn't have that thought until late afternoon so I thought it might be a good plan for next year. 

Then FigNewTon and I went to run some errands.  We headed to the Goodwill and while I was there, I saw a Beanie Baby for 99c and a key chain for 59c.  Each one was perfect for one of my girls, so I threw them in the basket. 

Then we headed to the grocery store and I decided to buy FigNewTon some chocolate kisses.  I had to be a bit more creative for Butterfly since she is recovering from a tonsillectomy, so I bought the frozen treats that have been her favorite this past week. 

On our way home, we stopped at BK.  Butterfly had been begging me to go to BK even though she can't eat the food simply because she wanted the toys currently in the kids meals. 

Simple things that really took very little effort.  I spent less than $10.  Yet, on the way home, FigNewTon said, "This was the best Valentine's Day ever!" 

I felt like I was suffocating earlier.  I had to leave the house; to just get out and do something ~ anything ~ out of the norm.  I am glad Michelle was home.  She kept an eye on M.  A is a completely different child away from M.  It is like all of her stress melts away and she begins to breathe again.  I do too. 



And I somehow managed to make it "the best Valentine's Day ever."  Let's see, I bought a Beanie Babie at Goodwill, Hershey's kisses at Wal-Mart, and a BK kids meal. 

If A doesn't throw a fit tomorrow... we might be able to just hang out and do something fun.  I am not going to hold my breath.  She took all day to clean the house and she owes me one hour of school.  We'll see what happens. 

OK.  I played "The Cellfishy Song."  It totally pissed her off, but it adjusted my attitude.  I think the trade off was worth it, considering she was already throwing a fit!

She is driving me crazy!  I am so beyond done with her fits!  I am so beyond done with her selfishness!  I am so beyond done with all of this nonsense!

Moe has to be back.  That is the only logical explaination to all of us being so depressed. 

overwhelming

consuming

paralyzing

intensifying

crippling

infinite

sadness

OT,

You need to chill.  If you can't handle the stress w the kids, let me handle it.  Yeah, she is being a brat but exploding will just add more chaos and that is the last thing any of us need.  If you can't respond calmly to her, take a break and let one of us deal with it.

ET

A is getting on my nerves.  Either she is telling the truth and she is throwing a fit about every stupid little  nothing because she is stressed that her sister might explode again, which I don't believe, or it is just something she thinks I will believe because she doesn't really want to tell me what is bothering her.  I don't really care.  I don't have the energy to deal with her bs right now.  She keeps this up, I might explode!

Pastor called today to check on M.  Then he asked how my arm is doing.  I think he is hoping for a miracle.  It would be nice in so many ways.  Not just for my arm or M's brain, but for her heart and our relationship.  It is so hard not to be angry when I physically hurt.  I think Pastor knows that.  I think that is why he is hoping for it to heal quickly.

A wears her silly bands when she is stressed.  I need to remember this. 



M actually ate a decent amount for dinner.  Well, comparatively.  She ate 1/2 cup of potato soup.  I might need to get more mushrooms at the store and make her some more.

She keeps calling me mommy and is clingy and acting so young.  I keep telling myself it's the meds.  I hope I am right. 

Monday's

I can't tell you how many times I count the days till Monday, even though Monday's are hard and sometimes I don't talk about things that are bothering me, it is a lifeline when I know that I can talk about whatever and it will be OK... I will be OK.

It Usually Works

When I was younger and I would say that I was depressed or didn't want to live or any other such thing, Jackie would always tell me to get some sleep and we could talk the next day. She would call me bright and early in the morning and see how I was doing and I was always slightly better than the night before. After a while, I said I was tired or needed to get some rest instead of saying what I actually meant. Then I would make it a point to get some sleep.

It's not working now.

I missed a movie that I really wanted to watch with the girls.  I saw the beginning and the end.  A little is still scared and thinks she is in trouble because the arm hurts so bad.  And she was upset because M was drinking out of "her" cup.  I just want to be one person. 

Part of it was legit.  Most of it was me overreacting b/c I was so tired. 

Bad news:  I am still very tired and she is still throwing a fit! 

Good news:  I am not overreacting today. 

Bad news:  She is in her room.  Again. 

Good news:  I had her identify what she is stressed about and reminded her that although she has the choice not to talk about that until she is ready, she does not have the right to throw a fit about every other little thing in the meantime. 

Better news:  I think she listened!

I am furious w A and I don't know if it is legit or if I am overreacting b/c I have had no sleep.

Pastor said to be patient.  I screwed that one up already this evening.  I can hold my tongue for only so long and then one of them will say or do something and I fuss like nobody's business.  Granted, what I said needed to be said, but I think I overreacted a bit.  No yelling.  No cussing, but I did use "bad" words. 

Ditto

Every interaction in some way is a fight.  Either it makes her mad, she thinks I'm mad, she feels unloved or undervalued, she feels picked on, whatever.  This is too much.  I really just need a few minutes of peace so that I can focus.  Simply asking her to go to her room so that I can be away from the constant tension that is interacting with her right now creates an even bigger fight because I'm "picking on" her or "punishing" her for something that is "my" problem.  If I thought it might help, I would scream.  I need a break. 

On the plus side, M cooperated and went to co-op. 



On the minus side, I feel like I an falling apart.  It is all I can do not to cry.



ET

I don't want to do this.  I don't want to get up and go about my day as if everything is fine.  Everything is not fine.  Can't I just go back to bed?



ET

Wow!  That's a lot. 



ET, can I say that you whine too much?  You can be such a baby. 



Like I really want to think about that day. 



What is M's problem?  I don't think I should be around her until I am not in pain.  I don't think I will have any patience for her.  It hurts to breathe even!  Partly I want to say that you should hit her back but I know why you won't - "She's little."  So find a way to stop it already!  This is ridiculus!  Why do you let them disrespect you so?  Get a backbone!



I think you should put both girls in school already.  I think you baby them too much.  They're going to have to grow up and face the world eventually. 



cj, I hate make-up, too. but not for any of those reasons except it makes my eyes sting, too.  



This journal was up when I showed up.  What do I have to do to get here?  And how do I get in to email if it's locked?  Obviously I need those answered somewhere other than here. 



Isn't M old enough to be alone?  She is 15!!! 

3.  I answered because she asked.  It's as simple as that.  I hesitated to answer.  I told her it was worse than anything she had ever experienced and asked if she really wanted to know.  She said yes and asked if I was raped.  I said yes.  She said she was sorry and that she didn't want to know more.  I said OK and hugged her and that was it. 



Another reason I hate make-up is the way that mascara looks under eyes at the end of a long day. 



cj

Tricia,

Can I address you as OT here to differentiate from the other parts of us also named Tricia?



Here are the answers to your questions.

1. Just like the journal that we emailed to her each week, only Melissa has access to this blog. 


2. A is struggling to get her schoolwork done and isn't sure if she wants to continue to be homeschooled.  She decided for the week that she does.  A week at a time is good enough for now since going to public school is a permanent decision.  It at least buys her time because she commits to doing the right thing for a week at a time.


3. cj is going to have to answer this.  Remember though that the part of us that is cj is honest to a fault. 


4. The older girl is Lexi, aka Alexis.  She is 9.  The younger one is Jordyn, aka Jordy.  She is 6 and in Kindergarten. 


5. M wasn't exactly left alone.  Michelle (the little girls' mom) was home and responsible for her if she needed anything.  A & I needed a break from the stress, I needed to see Dr. S and we needed groceries. 


6. The bone is bruised, whatever that means.  It takes as long to heal as a break but doesn't have to be immobilized.  Immobilizing it could help with the pain.  Ibuprofen should be taken around the clock; 600mg every 6 hours, the med list is in the kitchen by the microwave.  Flexeril if needed to relax and relaxing is a good idea right now.  No driving after taking flexeril.  No other pain meds allowed.  It should be iced for 30 min every 2 hours.  I do even hours.  It is easier to keep up with that way. 

Now, about M & Melissa.  If you hadn't said that you feel like life is going on without you I would probably say that I would explain later because I am stressed and tired and scared I might leave something important out, but here goes. 



M is upset mostly b/c Melissa came over on Tues when she was acting out and partly b/c she said that if M ever hits us again the police will be called.  Since you don't remember, I will tell you the police should be called if she acts like that again.  Hopefully the threat will be enough to curtail her behavior.  All of us want what is best for M and given her behavior something's got to give.  Meds won't necessarily effect M like they do us.  Remember that.  And although some diagnosis could prevent M from having certain jobs like being in the military or becoming an astronaut, neither of those things are something she wants to do with her life anyway.  True, those same diagnosis could also prevent her from adopting kids, but let's worry first about getting her the help she needs and let the future take care of itself.  If her current behavior continues unchecked, she doesn't need to adopt kids anyway.  Remember when you were so stressed that you didn't want M diagnosed w learning disabilities and then you realized that those diagnosis could get her the help she needs to succeed?  Look at this like that.



ET

OK.  So I read an email to Melissa and it answered some of my questions.  Only Melissa reads this, right?  It answers why I am agitated and why I am in so much pain. 



It brings up a question.  What stuff did Melissa say that M is so upset about?



It also brings up some concerns.  I don't want M on meds.  I also don't want her diagnosed with anything that can limit her options in life. 



I feel like my life is going on without me and I have absolutely no say.  This sucks.

This journal was hard to find.  Well, not that hard.  It just wasn't in email like I expected it to be.  Truly, I hate seeing "me" sign a different name, but whatever.  I got used to it before and I can get used to it again.  That said, I have a million questions for "me" to answer.  Why the h am I in so much pain?!?  OK.  Maybe only one question, but it is a doozy.  I am tired.  I am nauseated.  I am agitated.  And I am in pain.  What gives?



Regarding earlier entires...

1. Who can read this?


2. What decision?


3. What on earth possessed any part of me to tell M about that day?


4. What are the little girls' names?  More specifically, which one is Jordyn and what is the other one named?


5. Why would any part of me think that it would be OK to leave M alone after acting like that?


6. 6-8 weeks?!?  What exactly is wrong with my arm?

That's part of why I hate make-up.  Most of it is just that it makes my eyes burn.  I know that doesn't make sense if it doesn't make everyone else's eyes burn, but it does.  And I hate it because it makes about as much sense as expecting traici to wear jeans and pull her hair into a pony tail.  :)



cj

We made it through the day.  Thankfully.  I hate having a marathon of appointments in one day, but it is really the best way to schedule them I guess.  I think it did A good to stay home, away from the stress of M.  I think it did M good to spend the afternoon with me.  She talked about a lot of things that she is angry about but did it in a reasonable way.  She also followed the rule of not talking about those things in the car, which was good.  We had some quiet times, some serious discussions, and some fun chats. 



Stress is still high, for both of us.  She hates the realization that my arm will take six to eight weeks to heal.  She hates that I told Dr.D about her depression.  She hates that he and I talk about the reality that she is in counseling and he always asks how it is going.  It's not like I sit there and tell him what she talks about, just that it is helpful.  She doesn't understand why he needs to know.  She doesn't see the connection between her physical well being and her emotional health.  She doesn't remember that he suggested I get her in counseling. 



She said she will go to co-op tomorrow.  She still doesn't want to but recognizes that it is not optional.  Progress.

I am dressed nice.  My hair is curled.  Make-up is on.  Maybe I will begin feeling it in a few minutes.  I think that is part of the reason cj hates make-up so much.  Often it is a way to paint on a face that says everything is OK when everything is far from OK.

From the look on her face and her reaction everytime I say something, I expect this day not to go well.  I hope I am wrong.  The day is chaotic enough w/o her adding to it. 

I will be glad when I get my bed back. 

The little girls are here.  Poor Jordyn.  She looked terrified when I started to go in M's room.  And then again when M came out to do something quickly.  Poor Jordyn.  If they weren't here, M could probably come out of her room.  Too bad.  Jordyn trumps M on this one.

It's not fair to A.  The slightest misbehavior when M has been acting out for days and I jump her.  I give her absolutely no room for error.  It's not fair to M.  I had let her out of her room tentatively to perform a simple task and in the middle of it, I told her to go back to her room with no explanation simply b/c A was beginning to throw a fit.  I can stay calm and focused when M is screaming at me and even when she is pounding on me but when things start to calm down, my fuse is short.  No, I didn't yell.  No, I didn't even fuss.  But I also didn't respond reasonably to the moment.  I could have easily yelled if either of the girls hadn't complied quickly.  It's not fair to either of them.

Well that could have gone better.  It could have gone worse.  She says she has decided she is never going to hit me again.  Not the first time I have heard that, but at least she controls her behavior for quite some time when she makes that decision.  She also said she isn't going to co-op.  We'll see what happens come Fri, but I don't expect that to go well.  She is still quite agitated and still in her room.  I told her to find something to do.  That seemed to agitate her more.  She "can't" sort a box and rolled her eyes at every other suggestion.  And of course ended the conversation by saying that I don't love her.  Whatever. 

Wow!  I really didn't want to know.  I mean, based on behavior, I think I have figured out the answer to my question.  This is ridiculous!  She acts like a 3 year old!  And at least I can physically contain a 3 year old!



cj

Every time I so much as touch M she screams that I hurt her.  Apparently I am the abusive one. 



M wants to talk about what going to public school means for her.  I told her now is not the time.  We can talk about it when she is calm. 



She is repeatedly and adamantly refusing to ever go to co-op again.  I told her to just get through one day at a time.  Fri morning is going to be fun. 

A & I just took an hour away from the house.  It felt good to breathe but it is really hard not to cry right now.

After a day like yesterday, the feelings are harder to ignore, harder to push back down into the box they live in.  The ache is more in my face.  I am hurting and angry and doubt every thought.  Days like today I feel so incapable - of anything.  And yet I have to pretend that everything is fine.  Acting mad or hurt or scared will only make things worse. 

This sucks.  The littles keep waking up from the pain in my arm thinking they are in trouble.  I took some ibuprofen.  Hopefully that will help some.  The cold wind blowing through the window and making the house creak isn't helping, either.  Then they think someone's coming.  This sucks.

Great!  Wonderful!  Terrific!  She said "I'm sorry" and that is supposed to magically make everything all better.  I think when she says "I'm sorry" that she doesn't mean I am sorry I hurt you; I think she means I feel guilty and I want you to absolve me of that guilt by granting forgiveness.  And of course I grant forgiveness simply b/c it is the right thing to do.

cj,

No.  You don't really want to know.  It is easier to do the right thing sometimes when you don't have all the details.  It is definitely easier to feel the right thing.  I am sorry I left for a few minutes.  Glad you found the journal.

ET

Why do I feel like I have been beaten?  Why do I have scratch marks on my hand and a bite mark on my arm?  Do I really want to know?



cj

The little girls are here today.  That was unexpected.  It's going to be hard for the big girls to get their school finished.  A didn't volunteer at the library, so she has to put in 8 hours at her desk.  Whatever.  I have a h/a b/c I am trying so hard to stay present.  No one else needs to deal with the big girls and the fight we are having.  Last night after bed, they were talking and I went in and had them tell me what they were talking about.  That pissed them off.  Then I decided to make it harder for them to talk after bed and rearranged the room.  M started screaming and yelling.  Even when I was done, she kept yelling and followed me out of the bedroom.  That was more than I felt like I could deal with but at least I handled it fine.  Only one of us was yelling.  So then everyone woke up in a bad mood and the little girls were almost immediately here.  HELP!!!