M woke up at 8:30.  She had therapy at 10:00.  Following that we went to the grocery store.  She was easily distracted and commented that she was tired.  When we arrived home she ate lunch and asked if she could nap. She lay down for about an hour.  After she woke up she said that she sometimes liked to play peek-a-boo but that she couldn't unless she was playing with a little kid because she was 16.

I'm not being very consistent journaling about M right now.  I'll work on that.



M is eating lunch now.  She didn't eat earlier b/c she yelled at her sister and I sent her to her room.  She then chose not to eat in the 30 min between leaving her room and going to the ortho.

I did laundry today, washing all the stuff we bought at Goodwill yesterday.  Just now we were putting some stuff away in the girls' room and M said to A, "That's a really pretty shirt."  A said, "It's yours." and M got a quizzical look on her face.  I asked her what she remembered from Goodwill yesterday and she said, "I remember trying on some dresses."  A few seconds later, she hugged her doll and said, "Joni has a new outfit."  I asked if she remembered getting that and she shook her head no.



She is acting her age and is in a good mood, compliant, almost happy.

M was acting young just now.  She said she thought her panties were too small and wanted me to see if they fit her properly.  I asked her how old she was and she said "12.  You asked me that yesterday."  I said "I did.  I am going to be asking you that a lot right now."  Then she asked if she was fat and I said no, that she was the perfect weight for her height.  She seemed satisfied with that and went to brush her teeth.  When she came out of the bathroom, she seemed to be back to her usual.

This morning, M woke up at 8:30.  We had stuff to do so she did not have her normal morning routine but instead immediately felt the pressure of being rushed.  At 10:30, after the pressure was relieved and she had had a moment to relax, I asked her to help her sister with a task.  She quickly became agitated and yelled at her sister.  When I pointed this out, she voluntarily went to her room to calm down.

Another thing M said when she was "12" is that her string bikinis are "weird."

This sucks.  Documenting M's behavior.  OK.  Here goes...



tonight when we got home around 5, M turned the oven on.  A few minutes later, she put the pizza in the oven.  We began going through the clothes we had bought at Goodwill today and she excitedly exclaimed about each of them, wanting to try the pretty ones on.  She was quite excited that I had bought an outfit for her baby doll and wanted to see if it fit.  She didn't like the more revealing shirts she had purchased b/c they were "immodest."  As she was spinning around in a formal, I asked her how old she was and she said "12, but I think that's wrong b/c I am too big."  5:45 we were eating dinner and she seemed to be having a hard time following the conversation.  Her sister thanked her for cooking dinner and she seemed unaware that she had.  She even acknowledged that she had no memory of the previous 45 minutes.  I again asked her how old she was and she said "16.  You have been asking me a lot of weird questions lately."  I asked her when the last time I had asked her that and she said "idk - sometime after my brain injury."

I am constantly trying to engage M.  Making fudge, baking cookies, helping her with tasks and I feel her slipping further and further away at times anyway.  I think that may not be accurate because she is being real in her conversations with some too.  I don't know.  Sometimes parenting can be so overwhelming and unpredictable.

I didn't get anything done today that I wanted to do but I talked to M and she seems less antagonistic.  That's a plus.  I had her clearly explain all the reasons that she believes she has been in trouble since coming home.  Then we dealt with one at a time.  It seemed to work.  I didn't give her the answers she wanted but I think she felt listened to.  She is acting better, for sure.

I don't even begin to understand... M wants me to be the mom that doesn't care, doesn't show up, doesn't love her, doesn't hold her, doesn't hold my tongue... maybe it would be easier for her to follow through with whatever warped plan she has if I was... idk.  All I know is I can't be that mom and she needs me not to be.

I am way too mellow.  This has got to level out soon.  This up and down is making me crazy.

I don't know what to credit  my calmness with right now, but I am thankful for it.  Presented w the same scenario a year or two ago, I would have been mad as a hornet.  Today although I am frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, and annoyed I am acting calm and not overly mad.  People still suck, though.

I am less hyper today.  Still hyper, but controlled.  My h/a is insanely bad.  I am also edgy.  I am not being mean, but I am also not tolerating anything from any of the kids.  M keeps giving me looks.  J and L seem fine with it.  Except of course at lunch when I went through all of the options and L had said no to all of them.  I said, "This is what's for lunch, people" and started going through the list again.  She settled on leftover roast.  I figured out the other day that she is holding out on eating whenever she knows her mom is coming soon so that her mom will take her out to eat when she says she is "stttaarrrvviiinng!"  It's annoying.  Today, though, she is eating b/c she knows she will be here all day.  We have been outside since 10:30.  It's been fun.  Lots of laughing and smiling and interacting in ways we haven't in a long time.  A is babysitting for pay again today.  A new family that she has never watched before.  A 9yo boy and a 5mo baby.  I am going to relieve her for lunch in a few minutes.

A and I were talking.  First about her stress; me being hyper and M coming home w/o being better.  About M, she commented on some of the things I had noticed that are indications that M is a little better and some things I hadn't.  Things like she is less snappy and less likely to have a whatever attitude.  We talked about how these little changes aren't really changes in M but rather changes in the depression, that depression really robbed her of these parts of herself.  Then A said that I used to be hyper all the time.  She's right.  It has been years, but when I am not depressed, I am extremely hyperactive.  I had to force myself to slow down and communicate and be understood.  Everything about me is in hyper speed all the time when I am not depressed.  I learned to control the fast talking and to be still when I needed to, but the hyperactivity was always there.

"Yeah" was the response I got when I said "I love you" to M tonight.  It's a good thing the love I give them isn't conditional in any way or dependent upon their actions... It sucks to hear that.  It sucks to know she is hurting that bad.  It sucks to know she is that angry.  It sucks in a big way.

The hyperactivity is finally calming down.  Right now there are only moments of hyperactivity surrounded by normal activity.  At least that is what it seems to me.  The girls think I am still quite hyper, but I can sit and focus and think so it is definitely better.  And I am tired.  That's got to be good.  I will take the med again in an hour or so.  I hope things level out.  I don't really want to try another med though I will if this one doesn't work.  We'll see what tomorrow holds.



M is really sad.  She is hurt that I don't want her to be in her room.  She is hurt that I don't trust her to have her razor during a soak bath.  Hello!  She said she didn't know if she was going to try to kill herself and that she didn't know if she would tell me if she was.  What else would I do?  Just give her free reign of anything and everything that could harm her?  I don't think so!  She is enjoying little things like sunshine and rain and wind and salad and refills on her drink and the taste of tea.  She is polite and remembering to thank me for things or ask me for things instead of assuming she is entitled to things.  I know some of this didn't come from the hospital stay.  Some of it is beginning to be less depressed and reminded of the beautiful young lady she was before the depression began robbing her of those things.



A is edgy.  Who can blame her?  She has had to carry a lot of responsibility this week; watching the girls and staying home alone and being strong when she visited her sister.  And now I am hyper which has to be annoying. And M is home and no one really thinks she should be.  Well no one except the dr and/or therapist that released her.  I really don't like that therapist.  I still think Bryan was a better choice than Immanuel and I will take her back to Bryan if she needs to go back.  I just hope it's not soon.

today I am thankful for

• a working car


• that M is getting the help she needs


• that A is cooperative and able to watch the little girls


• that ML is OK with me leaving the girls w A


• for MS.  I don't think I would have made it through this week without her


• that the weather has been tolerable


• that hospitals have come a long way in the last 20  years

Free Time

On my schedule it says "visiting hours."  On her schedule it says "free time."  I remember free time... I didn't have visitors.

d2d=8 I thought it might be good to have a starting point.



Leaving her today was hard.  She needs me so much.  I just wanted to take her with me and make everything OK like I could when she was little but I can't.  I don't have that magical power any more now that she is bigger.   She needs to stay there to heal.  She even said today that it was good to be there, to have time to heal.

Guys, I am sorry.  I haven't completely figured out how to control the walls since Moe is gone.  I am learning that as I get overwhelmed, the walls become stronger and it becomes harder to moderate them and communicate with you all.  I will get better at this with time.



cj,  The hospital is best.  I am not sure how to explain why.  It is not like what you and I remember.  In some ways it is, but in most ways it is not.  Trust that.  If you can, pop in tomorrow when I am visiting M.  Just don't cry.  That would stress her too much.  I just couldn't keep her safe without help.  Call or email Melissa.  She should be able to explain what I am too overwhelmed to articulate.



TA, I know you don't like the feelings.  Neither do I.  Especially not as intense as they have been lately.  Breathe and know that it gets easier to deal with the intense feelings.  Almost like reading a scary book or watching a scary movie like you like to do.  After a while you get less sensitive to the feelings.  I am guessing you have figured out that M is in the hospital b/c she wants to die... If you have more questions, just ask.  I am glad you wrote your questions here.  I wish some of the others would communicate here.

Woah!  I just read the post from earlier... M is suicidal?!?  What's with that?  And a hospital?  Really?  How could that be best?  cj

Hi TA.  I don't know much either.  I know it is about M.  I know she is in Lincoln.  I think I know this is a good thing, though I don't know why.  I know we are all sad, partly from this and partly b/c Moe is gone.  Hang in there.  cj

It's hard when I come and I know something that isn't the whole.  Like just now... the last thought of whoever I came after was "I miss my little girl."  Then I just start out being sad and confused and I don't like either of those feelings.  Who?  Where?  Why?  I want to go look in the room but I might wake them up.  

Visiting M was nice.  We talked.  Really talked.  She sat in my arms and wanted me to hold her for a whole hour.  Not sure how wise the therapist and dr were in telling M that their goal for her to be able to go home was that she stop feeling suicidal.  She is already contemplating lying to them.  I discouraged it, of course, but who could blame her.  I would probably do the same thing.  They shouldn't have given her that key just yet...

It has been a loooong day.  M's 1st appt was at 9 and her last was at 4 w 2 more in between.  And I know she is stressed.  She has been nit-picky and irritable all day.  She has accused me of being mean no less than three times, trying to pick a fight no less than two, and not listening no less than five... and I did fine all day until just a few minutes ago when I snapped back at her.  SCREAM!!!!

Leslie and Libby like their new names.  OT is furious.  She thinks that naming them will only make things worse.  I think the pieces must heal to become part of the whole and that naming them sometimes helps, like with Moe.  TA is agitated about it, too, though I can't tell why.



Yesterday when I talked about that event, another went through my mind, and then another.  I hate when they come at me in clusters like this.  It is hard enough to deal with one at a time when life is calm.  I don't have time for any of this right now.



There is so much to do!  We accomplished everything that was on the list for today except sewing and printing directions and certain things still need to go in bags.  It seems like the list keeps growing, though.



If I could hibernate and sleep for a few days, I would.  Caffeine may be my frienemy this weekend, especially if I don't sleep well tonight.

The girls are driving me crazy!  A is not listening and M is snappy.  J is "bored" and she just got here... she hadn't even been here 5 minutes when she said that.  L is not driving me crazy but I am a bit concerned about her.  I don't think she is handling the stress going on in her life well.  She is disinterested in everything.

Better.  Breathing is coming naturally again.  I slept a nominal amount last night meaning I only recall four nightmares and was able to go back to sleep relatively quickly after each one.  I still have to fight to keep thoughts focused on now but at least I can win that fight.  And I have to fight to stay present.  Sometimes I lose that battle, of course.  My h/a is insane b/c of all this, too.

I can't keep my mind focused on now.  I can't even empty my mind so there is nothing.  I am constantly bombarded with those images.  This sucks.  I don't have time for this today, this week.  This really sucks.

That could have gone worse...

I am so very awake.  I did fine as long as I could keep my mind busy.  Then I went to bed and the images were so vivid.  Then I went away... I am so very tired.  I wish I could sleep.

On days like today, remembering to breathe is a full time occupation.

Who wrote that about church?  And who else agrees with it?  I go sometimes because it is the right thing to do.  Sometimes because it is good for the girls.  Sometimes because it helps, God helps.  Lots of reasons really.  Why don't you like church?  ET

I just don't care - about anything.  I can't even get excited about the trip or the money received that guarantees we can go.  And as of today, I am not even faking it well.

I hate church.  And I think that is true for most of us.  So why do we go all the time?

I went in to wake M up for church and caught her laying in bed awake and not getting up this morning.  It is important that she not do this and stressful when I realize she is.  It is important for two reasons.

1. We are tracking her wake up time and if she doesn't get up she doesn't give an accurate time.  That one is relatively unimportant compared to the other.  


2. She has this moment of quasi happiness when she wakes up.  If she gets out of bed before the depression hits her square in the face, that moment is stretched and she has a better day.  A string of better days could theoretically lead to a reduction in depression.  Very important.

I really am stressing... I just said a cuss word.  oops

I am not OK today.  It doesn't help that I am so very tired and there is so much to do.  Everything is draining.  Even little girls giggling, which usually isn't.

OT, try to remember to breathe!  Yes, it is stressful to switch so much.  Yes, it is stressful when things need to get done and you lose time.  Yes, it is stressful when the depression is this bad.  We are all a bit stressed.  Everything will get done eventually.  The bills are paid.  Now that you have made a check list, it is getting checked off even when you are not around.  Ask for help if you need it, OK?  And don't forget to breathe.  ET

A is stressing beyond belief.  What gives?

It's Friday!  It is so freakin stressful to forget and not get things done!  And then to not be able to do things when I remember b/c it's the wrong day!

It's only Wed?!?

At least one of us is doing better.



A was crying earlier that she can't handle M being depressed any more, that M takes everything personal and that she can't handle trying so hard to not say the wrong thing.  I acknowledged that it is hard and reminded her that I love her and pointed out all she is doing well.  I wish there was more I could do.

Just getting some things done and off my to do list is helping a little.

I knew that wouldn't last.  Whatever.  Doing what I want is not an option so I will keep doing what I should.

I am better this morning.  Not overwhelmingly sad.  Not anything really.  And I can at least generate a to do list in my head.  I wonder how long it will last.

A is feverish.  She didn't want meds, so I didn't make her take any.  She'll wake up if her temp goes up and I will give them to her then.  Otherwise, maybe she will sleep it off.

I am really sad.  Want to curl up on the couch and not move kind of sad.  I am forcing myself to do things.  Not sure how long that will last, but for now it is working.  Not helping, but working.

The ed hospital that Dr.L recommends is in MN.  That is important to remember.

I am stressed.



M has an MRI scheduled for Thurs b/c Dr.D is "concerned."  The xray he took yesterday showed the skull fracture more clearly than I have ever seen it but her sinuses are clear.



We picked up the truck last night.  Nice truck.  Stressful b/c I don't want anything to happen to it while it is in my possession and my parking space is really tight.  Stressful b/c we got home at 11.  Stressful b/c it takes some adjusting to get used to the space it takes up on the road.  Relieves a whole lot more stress than it creates, but still stressful.  No eating or drinking in the truck except water.  I understand, really I do, but it is a two week road trip.  Kind of hard.  And a bit more expensive.  Worth it, but still stressful.



A doesn't have clothes.  Do you think she could have told me this when I might have been able to do something about it?!?



I need to go to Natalie's to sew or to pick up the sewing machine.  When, exactly, am I supposed to have time to get the machine much less sew on it before Sun?



Julie wants my time on Thurs.  I can't say no but I don't have time to give.  I guess we will have a picnic after the MRI and before A's appt.  We may or may not have time to clean on Thurs and we have to be home by 4 to get the little girls.  If the church doesn't get cleaned on Thurs, we will have to clean it on Sat.  I wasn't planning on going into Omaha on Sat.



James is coming by today to install a window unit.   No one can know that the apt complex purchased the unit for my apt.  The house absolutely must be clean and the little girls are already here so cleaning becomes more difficult.



My girls need to finish the posters for Tina.  She really wants my girls to enter.  She really wants my girls to win.  She keeps giving tips for what needs to be done.



And then there is everything that has to be done for Friday.  More money to spend.  More things to do.  A is clingy and M is uncooperative.  Bad recipe for a busy week.



The girls haven't practiced their dance in over a week and they are dancing at church on Sun.  Competition is two weeks away.

M is acting almost happy tonight - hopeful - talking about when she grows up - dreaming.  And she asked me to sit with her during the second session - and laid her head on my shoulder.

tick tock

I can't do anything right, it seems

I tried to go back to sleep but I can't and it is easier to control the thoughts going through my head when I am up and busy.



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Night before last, I set all the different dolls that have been pulled into bed at night lately on the edge of the bed before I went to sleep.  I wanted to know which part of me was waking up.  I hoped if I knew that then I would be closer to figuring out the nightmare that has been interrupting my sleep.  No such luck.  That night, every single toy was pulled into my arms at different times.  That means that at least six different parts of me woke up.  I did the same thing again last night.  This time only two were slept with.  Daisy dog, which all of them like.  I think I will take her on the trip.  And the rabbit.  Because of that, I am no closer to knowing which one is waking up simply b/c I don't know which one likes the rabbit.  It was worth a try.



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The other day I was thinking about the library card incident.  When we lived in Omaha, I went in to the library  for something and there had been a library card issued to me, a book requested in my name and a fine on my account.  I stood there and argued with the lady that I had not set up the account, didn't request the book, and therefore was not responsible for the fine.  The lady said she couldn't close the account until the fine was paid.  As was usual at the time, OT and I were sharing time w OT in the forefront w/o acknowledging that was what was happening.  OT was adamant and agitated.  Eventually, the lady closed the account.  I was wondering the other day if I had really set up the account.  Usually I will have some recollection of events that occur even when I am not present.  I don't remember it at all, so it is unlikely, but still possible.  The possible part scares me.  I hate this part of being like I am.

Sun I asked DR to change the oil in my car.  I thought he was brushing me off, that he didn't want to do it.  MR told me today that he was surprised, impressed that I asked.  Is the reality that it is hard for me to rely on people or ask for help really that obvious?

I've Given Up

That's a bad place to be as a human.

It's a worse place to be as a mom.

I can't keep going like this.

The near violent explosion this morning seemed more than I could handle and in a way it was.  I handled it well in that I didn't react wrongly.  I didn't handle it well in that I cried really easily once we got to the conference - as soon as an old friend asked me some details about M - and was easily upset until I knew M had calmed down - I panicked when I couldn't find her.



Life will continue to be off-schedule until Sun therefore she will either explode, implode, or pass out sometime in the next few days.  I hope I am wrong.

Life Sucks

Part of the problem is that I am too tired/sad/overwhelmed to journal and the irony is that I know if I can compel myself to begin writing again that I will begin to feel better.



------------------------------------------------



M is right.  I am missing some things.  But she is also wrong.  I am very aware about most of them, just choosing not to press the issue and seeing how far she will go and whether she will begin being more truthful on her own.

M asked two days ago for me to get her some meds for her bad h/a and I forgot... that could explain a lot of today...  at least she's calm now.  I hate waiting for an explosion.  I feel like a bad mom when I do that.  And in some ways it might make it worse.  I don't think so b/c I am careful not to act like I expect her to explode but I might be...

I think I slept last night.  My teeth and jaw hurt from being clenched.  For the first time in weeks my throat isn't sore.  And I am not so overwhelmingly tired.

I have always known she would do good in school, but she might need to go to school outside of home.  If she makes it through this year at home, I can enroll her in several classes at MCC once she is 16.  Otherwise, it might not be a bad thing to enroll her full or half time at the high school.  Something to think about for sure.

Fridays are my favorite day of the week right now.  A can leave here in a pissy mood in the morning and come home in a good mood... lovin it!

I took a nap for a few minutes... sort of... I might be about to remember whatever it is that is causing the nightmares...

It's Over

I always say I am going to be thankful for the reprieve for as long as it lasts.  And I am.  But then I am angry that the nightmares are back as soon as they begin to consume me again.  I don't think I can handle this right now.  This remembering.  Or rather this not remembering but being exhausted from repeated nights of not sleeping.  I don't think I am strong enough.  At least not today.  

Cucumber

Today the smell of cucumber makes me feel like I am going to vomit and I don't know why.  I never really like cucumber except for those rare moments that I crave it and devour it but usually I can tolerate at least smelling it.  

It's A Start

I startled awake and I kept a thought - a memory - the nightmare - for a fraction of a moment before it fluttered away.

I was small.  I was cramped.  I tried to get up and I hit my head.  I whimpered.  And then I froze and tried to make myself smaller, like hitting my head reminded me that I had to stay quiet and stay hidden.  

That's it.  That's all I remember.  Dreaming of hitting my head is what woke me up.  And it was so real that I touched the back of my head to see if it was OK.  Then I reminded myself that I am an adult and I am safe.  I don't even know how old I was.  

just one more reason it's a good thing she doesn't date....

When will she learn to not procrastinate?  When will she learn that sometimes things need to get done outside of the hours she thinks they should get done?  When will she learn to budget her time so there is not panic at the end?



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When I say that it is harder in the mornings, it is not that the feelings are more intense in the mornings.  The feelings are actually less intense, but it is harder to combat them.  When I have the feelings at night, I can tell myself that it is just that I am tired and I will feel better after I get some sleep.  What can I tell myself on those mornings that it is so very overwhelming?

Two. More. Days.



Just. Two. More. Days.

Today is one of those days that I suck at a lot of mom things.  The only things I seem to be getting right is that I am not easily agitated and am encouraging my girls.  I am sucking at providing opportunities to eat on a reasonable schedule.  I guess that's it.  That's not a lot, but it is a doozy.

I am so very tired.  At least I woke up enough to know what age is waking up from the nightmares.  I still don't know what they are about, though.

Day 3 - and I don't have the luxury of being irritable - M is being snotty and I just took stock to make sure that it isn't something I am doing - thankfully it's not



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If I don't find a way to release the stress created by not sleeping by about day 8 or when a big stress hits, I get mean for a day.  I must not let that happen this time.  think think think

I can't do this!  M just went into freak out mode b/c she said I was overreacting.  Again.  Breathe.  Just breathe.



In other news, I am sure I had nightmares again last night, but I don't remember them.  Again. I am sure of this for all of the reasons listed yesterday plus I keep pulling my hair into a tight bun and not letting any strays touch my skin.  One or two more nights and I will actually be the one waking up from them remembering.  Then at least I can begin to deal with it.

M ripped the skin off her big toe and made it bleed - on purpose.

The sore throat, the h/a, the clenched jaw, the tense muscles, the messed up bed - all these tell me I had nightmares all night.  My memory on the other hand doesn't.

CC and her friend were wearing matching outfits tonight... Their shorts were so very short and their shirts... Why do kids willingly dress like that?  do they have no clue?  Why do their parents let them?  do they have no clue?



I did fine for a while and then there came this moment that certain memories were all I could think about.  I know I started to shake before I caught myself and controlled it.  It took all my focus to control the shaking and force my thoughts to stay on the present.  I must have gone white or something.  Whatever it was, I know that Pastor had enough of a clue that he tried to keep me engaged in conversation, keep my mind focused on the now.  It helped, though I didn't do so well on the small talk.  At least the evening was almost over.  At least I was done supervising kids by then.



If I have nightmares, I will outline the memory on the other blog.  If I don't, I will be thankful once again for the reprieve.

Sometimes I can be so harsh.  MD just called to remind us about the youth service tonight and he said that we were having the service with other youth groups because "everyone" was gone.  I told him that if everyone was gone we wouldn't be having a youth service.  He then said "most."  I didn't see the need to school him on the definition of most, though I was tempted.  3out of 13 kids are going.  1/4 is not most.

I didn't go away tonight.  That was nice.  Maybe I can stick around more this week.  That would be even better.

When I try to communicate directly with any of the others I can't.  But just a few minutes ago, cj was thinking of something she wanted to type here to tell me and I was able to hear and answer.  It's weird.  When I try it's not possible but it can happen on accident.

Whenever I notice myself being "bitchy," one of the girls is always agitated or irritated about something and not expressing it.  It is like I sense their mood and react accordingly.  Why am I so sensitive to mood changes like that?  How can I not be?

tick tock.... M is in a pissy mood...

Albert Camus

I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't, Than to live my life as if there isn't, and die to find out there is.

Balloon Fun

What do you do when EVERYONE (including FigNewTon) is tired of FigNewTon being too sick to play?  Apparently, take a balloon war to her!  

Tina says not to stress.  That Kris didn't send the letter to her so it isn't like a formal complaint on my HUD record.  Tina also says that I am a good tenant and have nothing to worry about.  So... this is me not stressing.  This is me casually looking for a place b/c I know Mrs.S will continue to make complaints and I don't want to be backed into a corner.  But not actively looking for a place b/c it's not pressing.  That's as close to not stressing as I am going to come until something changes.



A is feeling good enough to read and I just railed her for it b/c if she reads then she doesn't have the brain energy to do school and I have told her many times that I don't want her reading for fun right now.  I get so mad at her when she does crap like that.  Every minute of our day is situated around what she needs and she refuses to follow this simple instruction.



M is stressed and not talking so I don't know what to do about it.

Quote... unknown origin

Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out.

I am in pain.  I should take something.  But I won't.  I am still switching way too much.  And A is feverish.  I need to be as here as possible for her.

Reprieve

Days like this are nice.  There was still a lot of coming and going, but when I was here I was able to focus and accomplish things.  The depression is lifting.  That is nice.  Stress is still insanely high, but that is from life as it is today.  Now stress is easier to handle than then stress.  Now stress can be placed in neat little boxes.  Now stress is orderly and can be understood.  Then stress is not filed away neat and orderly.  Then stress spills its mess onto everything at the most inconvenient times and cannot be contained.  I will be thankful for the reprieve from then stress no matter how long it lasts - a day, a week, it doesn't matter.  The break is noted and appreciated.  

I don't know which part of me wrote that earlier but I agree... I hate days like today, too.  Days when the switching is so constant, the h/a so intense, the emotions so overwhelming.

And she is so flippin selfish!

I am so freaking mad at A.  And I got the message that she apologized.  So why am I still so mad?  I don't know except that it seems like she is using being sick as an excuse to get away with breaking the rules and be disrespectful.

i hate days like today

Again, Still, Whatever...

Not as bad, but very overwhelmingly true.

And this no longer works.  I have completely given up on that one.  But I do recognize that tiredness makes it worse.

M really seems to be taking her commitment to eat seriously.  That's good.  It could be bad how she sticks to a plan no matter what if she shows this much determination to not eat come fall.  Hopefully we will have been able to redirect her by then.

Impromptu Picnic

We have had a long day.  It started at the doctor for FigNewTon.  Then we went to a car care clinic to get two new tires and my transmission fluid changed.  By then we were hungry so we picked up some tuna from the store and had an impromptu picnic.  This was our view.  The wind was blowing just right and felt really good after being in the hot car.   

We were recalling lines from movies about fish.  Funny things.  Finding Nemo "I'm having fish tonight!" and "Fish are friends, not food."  Lilo and Stitch.  It was refreshing.  Then we headed toward home, stopping at the pharmacy on the way.  By the time we left the pharmacy I felt a bit like Lilo in the clip, overwhelmed and overreacting.  

jic I didn't already know - it's official now - I AM REALLY STRESSED!!!  I can't remember the last time I started crying or cussing when leaving a store after something didn't go my way.  Today I did both as soon as I got in the car at Hy-vee.  The med Dr.D most wants A on right now, the preventative, isn't covered by Medicaid and will require some serious hoop jumping and even then it may not be covered.  The movie place swears we didn't turn in Megamind.  Turned it in on Wed at 9:30 with three tired kids in the car and one at home.  Made sure to tell them that it skipped in the middle, too.  I need new wheel bearings.  The headlight is still shorting out so therefore I need a new headlamp.  None of these is a big deal.  Not really.  They are just extra straws.  I guess I just didn't realize how stressed I am.



Maybe I should make a record of the the positive things that happened today.  Maybe it will help me regain perspective.  I have NEW front tires on my car.  I have $25 gift cert for gas.

I slept last night.  However, A says that I woke up A LOT.  I HATE when that happens.  I also hate that what I know doesn't always line up with reality.



OT is stressing and worried about losing the kids again.  There is absolutely no good reason for her to be scared of this.  I haven't even yelled at them in weeks.  No one has.  Oh well.  There is nothing I can do to calm her down.  She doesn't listen to reason and she is too much of a perfectionist to realize that she is a good mom, we all are.  And she is still in that place where she thinks that what she thinks and feels is as wrong as what she says and does.  There is no reasoning with that.  She'll get it. Eventually.

I want to read this book but I don't want to ask the library to order it and I can't buy it right now.  Maybe later.

What a day.  The kids were fine.  All of them.  All day.  One of my littles almost had a meltdown about a missing doll sock but I stepped in and calmed everything down.  Didn't find the sock and she is still sad, but whatever.  I am tired and stressed and scattered so this is bound to be random.



I got the lab reports from A's last blood work.  As soon as I understood the results, I understood Dr.D's instruction yesterday regarding A's complaint.  Still not sure if I should take her in to see him in the morning.  I am thinking yes simply because the nurse relayed a message from him that he would be working in the morning if we needed to come in.  We'll see how the night goes.  OK.  Back to the blood work.  There are the numbers that were expected regarding mono and those are, to quote the nurse from Wed, EXTREMELY high.  Like if the range is 0.0-21.9, hers is >750.0.  All of the numbers on the mono sheet are like that.  All that really means is that there is no question whatsoever that she has active mono.  OK.  Big picture, given all the options and scenarios he put forward, that is good news.  Mono I can handle.    The one that explains his instruction, and our subsequent trip to the ER last night, however, is a bit more concerning.  I am glad we went to the ER before I got this print out.  I am glad the ER dr monitored her heart and did a chest xray and made it a point to tell me that there was no stretching of the aorta evident.  I didn't even know they could tell anything about the heart on an xray.  I had never had cause to think about it.  The other blood work Dr.D ordered indicates that she is at a high risk for cardiovascular problems.  So, it makes sense that I am less stressed about this news today than I would have been yesterday b/c the ER dr was diligent and checked for that very thing.  But still, it was swimming around in my head all day as I was processing the info and trying to understand it.



I didn't sleep last night after we got home.  Since A was sleeping in my room, I stayed up until I was sure she would be asleep.  Then, because I was still wound up, I curled up in the chair.  Sometimes I can fall asleep there if I can't fall asleep in bed.  It didn't work last night.  Last night I heard every noise and stayed awake for several more hours.  When I finally dozed off, it was only for a few minutes at a time.  Sucks.  On the plus side, I was never asleep long enough to have a nightmare.



Kris stopped by with a letter for me b/c Mrs.S complained about "children being loud in the hallways, doors being slammed, lots of coming and going in the hallways, etc.  Also, everyone needs to be respectful, polite and courteous to everyone else on the premises."  Kris said that she stated that I am rude to her.  I am so not rude to her.  Like I need this stress.  And I am really unsure what is expected of me.  Are we expected to not make noise in the stairwell even during the day?  Are we supposed to limit the amount of times we come and go throughout the day?  The front door being slammed is simple.  Never does it happen on purpose.  But when it happens I say to whichever girl (usually M) to remember to close the door softly.  In the stairwell, of course, because that is where the infraction occurred...  And what is etc? How can I fix something that is not articulated?  So... stress.



Michelle is being evicted.  Whatever.  This shouldn't effect me except that she is finally approved for HUD and she was going to start paying me as soon as that kicked in.  I am not sure if I will still be permitted to babysit the girls if they don't live here because the lease states "No business will be conducted from the dwelling."  For that matter, the lease also states that children or guests are not allowed "to loiter or play in the picnic area, lawns and the like."  REALLY?  The kids can't play on the premises?  Is that going to be Mrs.S next complaint?



I think that's it.  Either that or I am just too tired to concentrate any more.

I am so tired.  A got up just as I was going to bed and told me she couldn't fall asleep b/c her chest hurt and she couldn't breathe.  That was the exact scenario that the dr gave for taking her in instead of waiting till morning so off we went to the ER.  Good thing I didn't let myself take pain meds.  Three hours later we knew what I was already fairly certain of - that she had inflammation in her chest cavity from the virus and a little fluid on her left lung.   The fluid wasn't bad enough to do anything about it so I am to watch her and take her in if symptoms get worse.  Sucks but she will be fine.

I am in pain.  Almost as much pain as I was in on Tues but I won't let myself take anything because I am not doing well emotionally.

A is sleeping on the air mattress in my room.  She asked if she could.  To say that I am worried about her is a gross understatement.  Selfish thought:  I can't curl up in my chair and I was counting on that.  Whatever.  Another day.

The good thing about scheduling time like that is it calms me down in the moment.  The bad thing is that I usually don't follow through and I usually go away and someone else steps out for a while.  Whatever.  It fixes things in the moment and when I have to do that, fixing things in the moment is good enough.

News

Have you ever been told something that if it had been said under different circumstances would have been bad news, but in the current situation was good news?

Today the nurse called to tell me what they found out from FigNewTon's blood work.  She has mono.  Again.

Good news?  Yeah.  Because last week when we were at the doctor's office he told me several other worse scenarios...  leukopenia of unknown origin...  an auto-immune disorder...  leukemia...

Mono, therefore, was a relief to hear.

I just took a Flexeril and 600mg of Ibuprofen.  I can think of several reasons that was a bad idea but I am in so much pain that it seemed worth it.

What Could It Be?

Jumping Bean ran up the stairs.  

Breathless.  

"Tricia, Tricia, you have to come see!"  

What could it be?

 Prince Charming?

Maybe.

I don't know.  

The girls would scarcely touch it.

Much less kiss the thing!

My h/a today is insane.  I wasn't around enough to call the dr today and when I was, the girls needed me to be focused, all four of them.  I need to breathe.  No, I need a day off.

Names

As far as Dino was concerned, I had four names.  They were used interchangeably and I was expected to answer to them when called:  Little Shit, Little Slut, Little Bitch, and Little Whore.  When I relay these memories and I say that he called me or referred to me, I don't often mention that he didn't use my name, that I was called one of those names but somehow I think it matters to acknowledge it now.

I am not those things.  I never was.

A couple of the littles, the ones that were only there for some of the torment that he dished out, don't realize they have a different name.  Two of them I call the twins simply because they experienced very similar things and are often called up together.  But they distinguish themselves by the name they most frequently answered to.  One day soon I am going to have to rename those two.  

Lose The Attitude

I had an appointment at 10 this morning.  I knew this was a bad idea but there was nothing I could really do about it.  I was (am) so tired that I could barely focus.  I was jittery.  My shaking was controlled though it took all my effort to not visibly shake.  I was (am still) on high alert, anticipating danger around every corner.

And she told me I needed to lose the attitude.

I told her I wasn't trying to have an attitude with her but offered no other explanation.  If only she knew.  I am glad she didn't.  My freaking out being obvious to the world would be bad, worse than having to deal with it as it is, but if people had a clue everything that I deal with at any given moment, they would cut me a bit more slack.  That or think I am completely insane.  Maybe it is a good thing that no one but me knows when I am freaking like that.   

I finally fell asleep just before 2 but was awake by 2:30 and stayed awake until well past 3:30.  I woke up three more times before I finally got up at 6:47.  Maybe tonight will be better.  It was, after all, Monday and I did talk about one of the most horrific things that ever happened to me.  At least I wasn't having really bad nightmares.  It was more that I kept startling and thinking someone was going to hurt me before recognizing that it is 2011 and I am safe.

I Was Raped

She said today that the other day was the first time I had said that word out loud.  It's true.  I know that I had talked about some of it before, in very vague ways, always trying to convey enough of the picture that the hearer could say what I couldn't find the words for, but seldom if ever have I used that word in a first person sentence.  Until now.  And somehow, there is strength and freedom that comes from acknowledging these things out loud.  In the moment, I don't feel strong.  In the moment, it is all I can do to remember that I am here now not there then.  But later - days, weeks later - I begin to notice that I truly am stronger, liberated.  

I can do this.

Here's What I Know

Today in therapy, I talked about this, or more specifically, the last paragraph.  I left out some details.  I said some details that I didn't write down.  It really doesn't matter.  There is healing in both the writing and the telling.  Here's what I know:

1. I lied about one thing unintentionally.  I said that I didn't know what Dino said to the boss when I came in. At the moment that was true because I couldn't bring it to mind, but I do know.  The boss asked, "What is this runt doing here?" and Dino responded that he had caught me f***ing around in the woods the week before and his old lady b****ed until he agreed to keep an eye on me while she was at work.  The boss looked me over and shrugged his shoulders.  
2. It sounds unbelievable.  But then again, I prefaced this blog with that statement, so I already knew that.  
3. Those three events describe the next seven months of my life.  Same story, different setting, different players.  A few of the differences stand out in my mind.  Those are probably the things I am going to have to talk about, but I don't want to.  
4. I want to run.  I want to hide.  I want to stop therapy and stick my head in the sand and pretend that none of these things ever happened.  I don't think that's going to work, so I will keep doing what I am doing if for no other reason than that it appears to be helping.

Truth

Why does it matter so much to me if these things are believed?  I have told my children for their whole lives that something does not have to be true to be believed and something does not have to be believed to be true.  Why then do I not live by that belief with these things?

Meet Minnie Mouse

Minnie Mouse is 3 and loves to spend time at our house or playing outside with my girls.  

I asked her what flavor pop-tart she wanted for snack:  Strawberry, Cherry or Grape.  

She responded, "Pink!"

Paparazzi

Jumping Bean took quite a few pictures on Friday when we were decorating for the party and a few after the guests arrived.  She had fun, stayed occupied, and is proud of her photos.  When I told her that she did a good job taking pictures she asked, "Did you post them?"  So here they are.

I am so beyond tired.  Little M doesn't sleep well.  She cries out frequently in the middle of the night.  Couple that with my nightmares and you have a bad recipe.



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I need to come up with new ways to say that something doesn't fit M.  That is too short works.  But I have to be careful with that one because she will begin to see through it if I use it too often.

Witness Protection

A friend at church, a lawyer, asked me if I am in witness protection.  I said no.  She said, "Well, yeah.  You would say that even if the answer was yes."  I didn't quite know what to say.  She continued, "It is just that you don't ever talk about family or your past and you are so careful about what you do say."  So I said, "I don't have extended family and there is nothing in my past that fits into polite conversation.  I am not in witness protection."  That was the end of that.  I don't think she believes me.  I've known her for five, maybe six years.

OT and TA were/are mad - immediately assumed the worst.

Everyone under 12 that weighed in was just plain scared - thought that whoever hurt Little M would/could still hurt them.

cj thought the best - remember that time that M busted her tail bone b/c you pulled so hard on her leash to keep her out of the street?  remember the time that you grabbed A's wrist to keep her from touching the frying pan?

I am the only part that weighed in yet still reserved judgement - partially b/c it was all I could do to calm everyone else down; I didn't have time to think about it.  Partially b/c I think it was probably an "Oh no!" moment and that it won't happen again.  Partially b/c I don't want to consider the other.  What is there to do except watch and listen and wait?  Time will tell.

One of my neighbors has a bruise on her arm.  It is all I can do not to freak out.  Part of me keeps panicking and getting really scared.  It is all I can do to calm that one down and I need to be 100% here for this little one.  The bruise could be from her mom trying to stop her from running in to the street.  It could be an "Oh no!  Did I really do that?!?"  Or it could be something more.  I keep telling myself not to panic and not to think the worst. It is not working.

From Balto

Not a dog.  Not a wolf.  All he knows is what he is not.  If only he could see what he is. -  Boris the goose

Let's Party

Butterfly had fun at her birthday party last night.

PS - I backdated a few posts.  One on Butterfly's birthday and one about our celebrations and one yesterday about the cake.

Piece of Cake

Butterfly is experimenting with the idea of becoming a cake decorator.  Here are photos of her first cake and the decorating process.  

sad

very sad

About cleaning:

OT gets overwhelmed by being the only one to do certain everyday tasks and fusses at the girls if they are not helping.

cj knows this and tries hard to get the tasks done but doesn't ask the girls.

I recognize this and try to teach the girls to do things they are going to have to know when they are grown anyway.

traici just wants someone to notice when she does something and to be told that she did a good job.  If she doesn't get praised, she loses motivation.

TA doesn't care and will leave whatever to be done later.

The littles are too little to think to do something without being told, though the older ones are generally good about finishing a task if they show up in the middle of one.



I just realized that although TA is as young as some of the others, I don't group her in with the littles.

Michelle keeps giving the girls clothes that are too small for her.  This is nice because they are expensive, fashionable clothes.  Not so nice because I keep having to go over modesty rules with M.  Oddly enough, they don't make M feel fat even though Michelle and I wear the same size.  Every time M tries on something that she won't wear till fall, I catch myself trying to memorize how it fits her.  I am so scared I am not going to be observant enough, that I am going to miss the moment when she stops eating well and starts losing weight.  It is as if I am being lulled to sleep by her eating right now.

Sometimes I read a book that will make me cry on purpose because it is the only way I can make the tears trapped inside come out.  Sometimes it helps.  Sometimes I am less sad.  Sometimes, though, I can't stop them and the sadness consumes me.

Sometimes I am so... idk what word describes me in these situations.  It's just that after there has been a fight w M about something, no part of me wants to go back and finish the task.  Either I walk away and let it sit for a few days until I can look at it without frustration or I force myself to do the project, but only if it is pressing.  I am like that right now about finishing up this sewing.  Part of it is that I have to use A's machine and that machine is so frustrating to me.  Part of it is M's "poor me" attitude.  I hate dealing with that attitude more than any other.  She acts like such a victim sometimes.  I wonder if it is really me.  I don't do this when I fight w A.  As soon as the fight is fixed, I go back to my task.

M & I are at an impasse and we both know it.  When she opens up, it will be like a dam breaking and everything will come out at once.  That will be a roller-coaster for sure.



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I told M to quit saying "no you don't" when she is mad and I say that I love her.  I told her it doesn't hurt my feelings but it does sometimes stop me from saying I love you when I don't want to hear it, when I don't trust myself to not say something back and then I asked her if that is a consequence she was willing to deal with.  As usual, she didn't answer and I am sure expects me to know what she is thinking.  Whatever.



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I just called the dr to give them a status update on A.  The nurse was really concerned and set up an appointment for first thing in the morning.  Plus: she wasn't concerned enough to request that I bring her in today since Dr.D is out of the office.  But, seriously, I didn't expect that.  So, 9:30 at the dr it is.   

The sewing machine is broken.  Still.  But it really feels like again because we just got the thing fixed.  M really screwed it up this time.  And it is all I can do not to lay into her.  It doesn't help that she is walking around playing the victim.  omg  It is totally her fault but when I say something about it, that makes me a b****.

I may have fixed the sewing machine.  I am too tired to test it out tonight, but at least I was able to remove the knotted thread stuck in the internal workings of the machine and put all the parts and pieces back together.  I will try it out in the morning.

It is bad tonight.  Maybe b/c I talked about it today.  It was bad on Sat, too, but not this bad.  Maybe b/c I railed M for breaking the sewing machine right before she went to bed.  I feel like a failure and I can't fix it till morning.  Maybe b/c she is still so closed off.  Maybe b/c A is still sick.  She was mixing her words again tonight, pale and listless.  Maybe b/c that thing I talked about was bigger than I knew.  I can't get it out of my mind.  Maybe simply b/c I am so spent.  Maybe all of the above.  Maybe none of the above.

I still need a nap.  Walking was a huge expenditure of energy in that heat.  Worth it, I think, but I am really tired.

M is upset and I don't know why.  What I do know is what she will blame it on, but she was irritated before that moment.  The energy that requires is more than I have to give.  I need a nap.

I Should Post

I keep thinking that and then it doesn't get done.  

I have a 16 year old now and her birthday passed without a bit of fanfare on my blog.  Granted, there was quite a bit of fanfare in life.  We went camping.  She is planning a party.  Still planning simply because her sister got sick and that has consumed every ounce of daily life.  I think she's getting better.  But how do I talk about a child getting better in a forum like this when I didn't mention in the first place that she was sick?  Most of life has been just daily stuff.  And the emotional funk that has consumed me for most of the last year.  I would like to say it's getting better but I really don't know.  How do I post something like that in such a public forum?  Life is a lot of appointments.  Sometimes very purposefully breathing in and breathing out.  Cleaning, sifting, sorting, downsizing almost as if I am preparing to move but in reality I think I am just finding a rhythm to life that requires less stuff.  Stuff is tiresome.  Stuff requires something from me and if I have learned anything from this year of being so sick it is that I need to be choosy what I give my energy to.  Sometimes that is hard.  Sometimes I want to spend energy someplace but I am all spent.  Sometimes I know that something is no longer going to be given my energy now that energy is such a limited commodity but I don't quite know how to let go.  So then I sit in limbo and it saps energy from me while I do nothing, like having a printer plugged in but not turned on.    

This is random and I am shocked at myself that I am actually going to hit publish, but it will ease the thought in my head that I should post.  For today random words will have to be enough.  

Blessings.

I am cautiously optimistic.  I really think A is beginning to get better.  She was more alert today.  Yeah, she napped, but only once and she was able to focus and stay engaged most of the day.  She ate more and sometimes even initiated eating.  She has had no appetite and even when she did, she didn't have the energy to get something or the thought process to ask for it.  That and she laughed.  She has been emotionless for days.  I think that was the hardest part.  Here's hoping she is on the upswing.

Wow.  No matter how mad M gets, no matter what she slams around, no matter how loud her voice, she softly closes the door.  And it wasn't even her punishment.  One month minus a bedroom door works miracles.

And I am over it.

I am pissed b/c it is the end of the day and nothing got accomplished except cutting the skirts.  Most things on the list require cooperation or to be able to be in the girls room.  Can't do that if M is in there throwing a fit.  With my fever, by the time I get dinner cooked, I won't have the energy to do anything else.  There's no telling when we will have a day that so much could have gotten accomplished again.  That's why I am so mad.  Right or wrong, I just let M know and asked her to return to her room so that I can have some space to calm down while I cook.

M napped and is "all better" so why am I so mad?  Whatever, so long as I don't act it...

A just woke up.  I got about a 30 min nap.  That should actually help.  I have a fever.  A doesn't.  Little blessings.  M was pissed that I asked her to stay in her room so I could nap.  Go figure.  I don't want to let her know I am up but I know I need to.  She is being completely unreasonable but at least she is not being violent.

The bright side:  A might be getting better.  She hasn't fallen asleep yet today.  Although M is antagonistic, she isn't screaming, hitting, or out of control.  I am stronger and more patient than I think.  I can do this.

Well, that lasted... I've already said the words "go to your room."

I hate the point of sick that A is at - hovering between bad and worse.  I don't want her to get worse, don't get me wrong.  I know what that would mean and I don't want any part of that.  But this hovering on the border is hard because she is slowly getting sicker and truthfully there is nothing they can do until she actually hits a certain point of sickness.  I don't know that they could actually help her even then... This really sucks.  She just needs to get better.  Sometimes I look at her lying there listlessly and get so scared.

I am so stressed about A being sick.  She will be fine.  I keep telling myself that.  She is just so sick.  Dr.D gave me this list of if this goes wrong or this goes wrong or this goes wrong then take her to the ER.  And then he said hopefully it won't get any more severe than it is right now.  That really sucks to hear.  And she was so out of it that she didn't even hear him.  I think that sucks more.  And he gave her an antibiotic even though he is certain this is viral "so she won't have to battle anything else while she is battling this."  That is something he hasn't done in a long time, something he only does when he is really concerned.

We just got home from the store and A fell asleep on the couch with all of the noise and movement.  She never does that.  Still no fever.  That's good.

I slept last night.  I only woke up to two nightmares.  One just before midnight and one woke me up this morning.  It is good to sleep.  I am still really tired, but a few more days of sleep will fix that.  Why do I always wait to tell Pastor that I am not sleeping until it gets so bad that I can barely function?  Always when I tell him, his prayers get answered.  I know why I wait to tell him though.  It is because he kicks himself for forgetting to pray about it for a while.  It's not like it's his fault.  And I wait to tell him till there is something else I need to tell him.  I hate to call attention to the nightmares.  It's like I think there is something I could do to fix the problem if ... I don't know.  But so many people before Pastor made me feel like it was my fault, like I should be able to control the images that flooded into my mind, like I was choosing evil over good, like I actually had a choice about the nightmares.  What a crock.



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A is better.  Temp 99.9.  Ate a smallish breakfast.  Dr says to watch her and call back if h/a, confusion, or dizziness returns.  They seemed to be more concerned about the possibility of that thing in her brain having changed or shifted than the viral symptoms but it is so hard to tell the two apart.  Fever is about the only difference, so I took the fever as a good sign.

A - 100.3 - 650mg tylenol - complaining of h/a at base of head - need to call dr tomorrow

A ate 2 silver dollar pancakes.  At least she's not still puking.  I seriously hope M doesn't get this.  It would definitely jump start her plan to stop eating.  We don't need that.  At least right now, she is motivated by hunger and desires food even if she denies herself.

Why are happy, enthusiastic, upbeat people and places so draining?  After I am around them, I feel like a balloon that has lost its air.

A was hungry earlier so I gave her some tea.  She kept it down and we tried crackers.  Just now, she ate 1/4 cup of applesauce and took 650mg of Tylenol. Temp 101.1

M fits nicely into several child size 14 that A pulled out of her closet b/c they are too small.  Am I the only person that sees the incongruity of this?

Well, we made it through the night.  I was glad when the green blood specked vomiting stopped.

A is puking.  Has been for almost 3 hours now.  And I am somehow, miraculously, keeping it together.  Thank God.  Not trying out for mother of the year or anything, but doing OK.  I hope she stops soon.

McNuggets

I remember when McDonald's came out with McNuggets.  I was 11.  I was perpetually hungry.  He brought home a 20 piece and called mother and I into the living room.  We sat there drooling.  He asked if we were hungry, if we wanted some.  Mother said yes.  I wasn't sure if I should speak though I am sure my eyes spoke volumes.  He laughed.  I started to get up and go back to my room.  No such luck.  He made us stay and watch him eat.  He went on and on about how good they were.

Sometimes before I learned what McNuggets are made of, I would go to McDonald's and buy some just to remind myself that I am safe and can eat if I am hungry.  

Beer Cans

Dino had this pyramid he made out of beer cans.  He called it art and mother would complain about it, before she knew better.  She would whine and say that it looked tacky, that we weren't white trash.  He would slap her and tell her to shut up.  Once, he pushed her into it and it fell over.  He made her stack it again and then knocked it down and made her do it again because she was "too stupid to get it right."  Another time when he threw her into the cans some of them got smashed.  He was really pissed that time.  I think that is the time he broke her foot.    After that, she didn't talk back to him any more.  I hate beer.  I hate the smell of it.  I hate the taste of it.  I hate the thought of it.  I don't mind alcohol, but I hate beer.  

Why?

Why did she make me say that?  She had to know what I was going to say.  Why then was it important for me to actually speak it out loud?  Does it clarify what she knows but hoped she was wrong?  She said that she hoped that hadn't happened to me.  Does it somehow begin the healing process?  She says that speaking weakens the power he holds over me.  But seriously, why?  I don't feel stronger.  I feel numb and a little confused, very scared and overwhelmingly sad.  But I don't feel stronger or whatever.  What purpose does speaking the words serve?  I don't know.  

Celebrations

Butterfly wanted strawberry crepes for breakfast.

 Then she wanted to spend the rest of the day camping at the lakes.

 For dinner she wanted swordfish.  

 And of course there were cupcakes and presents.  

Then we had s'mores.  Yum!