Back in the spring, as I was coming out of my yearly winter funk, I set a goal. The goal was to tell my therapist about a particular childhood event by the end of October. The hope was that if I talked about it, this January wouldn't be so hard. October, though it seems random, was a significant enough time; it was before the funk usually sets in.
This year it seems as if I didn't really get a break. It's not that the summer was especially hard emotionally. I only dealt with a nominal amount of memories and fears. It is just that I never really hit that OK point, where I feel normal for a week, a day, or even just a moment. The point in time each year that I am not consumed by the past and can feel and focus on the present; even dream a bit about the future.
What I didn’t know when I set the goal is that I was beginning to get physically sick; and physical illness always plays havoc on my mental state. This time was no different and yet it was entirely different. This time I was really sick and just kept getting sicker. Usually I get sick for a time and then get better.
Four months of declining health where I barely had the strength to function and could not truly think, four months that I had little control of my emotions and no desire to express them. That is a blessing I guess, because if I am not expressing my emotions, I am not expressing them wrong. I didn't yell or fuss. I just ceased to care.
Part of that was physical. I was on medicine that historically causes me to plummet into depression and this time was no different. Well, it was and it wasn't. The meds definitely sent me to the depths of depression like I hadn't seen in years, but this time I didn't give up. I knew that life would and could go on, that in fact, it might even get better.
So, I didn't face that memory on my own time, on my own terms and now I am scared because I know that until I take control of that moment in my childhood, it will control me. It will haunt me and dictate my days. I also know that I can't face it while I am still healing. I should be better by the first of January, but I can't face it during January, not really. I can learn to tread water and keep my head up and not drown when the waves hit in January. I know they will. They always do. I can't face it until I have a calm summer, month, week, or even just a calm day.
