Does This Make Me A Freak*?

I remember the first time I knew I was a freak. It was the summer I was 14 and I was on a youth trip. My Grandmother had been hesitant to send me, but I pleaded incessantly and promised her I would be OK. As always happens with events involving youth, we were running late. We had left home that morning on time, but when we arrived in the city where we were staying, it was after midnight. Rather than call the families that were supposed to be hosting us, it was decided we would sleep at the church. When we walked into the building and turned the light on, roaches were everywhere. They were scurrying and trying to scatter, but there were so many of them that they kept running into each other and changing directions. I started to scream and couldn't stop. It wasn't about the moment. It was that the roaches brought to the forefront of my mind a different moment. A moment from when I was 11 or 12. I had not faced that memory since forming it. Nothing could convince my mind or my body that I was 14 and safe. A boy that was new to the youth group kept telling me to focus on him and kept reminding me that I was safe and it was just bugs. His parents were foster parents and he had seen them calm children down in the same way for most of his life. Even when I was able to stop screaming, I couldn't speak or even move. I was frozen to the spot. Someone laid out my sleeping bag and walked me over to it. I just sat there, not moving, but watching everything. When everyone was asleep, I tiptoed to the bathroom and locked the door. I sat in there all night with the light on just staring at the door. Since then, I have learned to handle better those moments when I am bombarded with the past. Most of the time, I am able to stay focused on the moment that is now. I seldom scream or freeze. Most people who know me now don't even know. Now, I am only a freak on the inside.

*Freak = having PTSD & DID. I just didn't know it at the time. Not sure knowing it now helps, but I guess it is better than thinking of myself as a freak.