Snapshot Saturday

Recently, Butterfly donated food to the local pantry for a school project.  I love that they are beginning to be aware of the needs of other people. 

I Hate Halloween

There. It is said. I hate this holiday. I loathe it. I hate it more the more I cannot avoid it. And I don't hate it for the reasons everyone claims to hate the holiday.

Like religion. There is nothing religious about the way we currently celebrate Halloween in America. Nor is there anything truly antireligious. It does have religious roots. If I understand history correctly, it was originally the church's response to a secular holiday. They moved a religious observance, All Saints Day, to correlate with a pagan holiday to reclaim the day. Now, it is just another greedy holiday for people to spend money and brag about what they have or for those who don't have money to spend time that could be spent elsewhere more productively.

When the girls were little, I hated Halloween because it was so hard to shield them from the scary images that surround the holiday. I never understood why we as parents would tell our children that there are monsters on Halloween when we spend the other 364 days of the year trying to convince them the monsters are not real. I learned to avoid the gore by taking the girls to "festivals" at local churches.

Maybe I hate Halloween because I have no particular memories of Halloween. That in my life would be a reason to cherish the memories I could make with my children, usually, so I don't think that is it.

It just seems so wasteful. I despise the day more the more time and resources that are spent on Halloween in the community around me.

It probably doesn't help that I have been sick, my kids have cabin fever, and we are all out of sorts today, either. Maybe once they have donned their costumes and we finally leave the house, my mood and opinion of the day will change.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful for doctors, antibiotics, water, cranberry juice, rest, and that I am beginning to feel better.  I have had a kidney infection that was so bad all I could do for the last week was sleep.  I am thankful that my girls are well behaved and have let me rest and recover.  I am thankful that they know how to care for themselves and the house and have done quite well for the last week.  I am hopeful that this is almost over and that I will be better in a few days.

What are you thankful for today?

Snapshot Saturday

March 28, 2009

FigNewTon was practicing for her sign language solo later that day. 

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

Autumn's visit, hot apple cider, doctors, medicine, socks, schoolwork, friends, children, games, rest, paper shredder, blankets, books, movies, the zoo, fall weather, rain, colorful leaves, the telephone, tea and tea pots, rest, my children

What are you thankful for today?

Words

I am losing my voice. I have a cold and everything comes out as a whisper; every word is a struggle. This shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. When I was little and life would get really stressful, I would stop talking. Not by choice. Rather, my voice just wouldn't work. And after a while, I would lose my words. I would stop thinking in words. Then, I would go live with my grandparents and it would take months or sometimes years before I could whisper again. And then finally speak normally.

Once, at age 12, I got mad at mother and refused to speak to her. I didn't intend to stop speaking completely. I just intended to stop speaking to mother. I quit speaking altogether and it was a full two years before I could speak again. That is when I realized two things. This inability to speak would always be with me to some extent and I could not control it.

Life is stress right now. There is all of this that I put here, that I don't want my kids to see or know and there is all of life that is happening now. Both are stress in overwhelming proportions. This is not usually a big deal. I have learned that if I sense that I am losing my words, I can force them out and prevent the muteness. But I cannot speak because of the hoarseness in my throat. And I had already been forcing myself to speak because of the stress. I am scared I am going to lose my words, my ability to speak, my lifeline to the world.

Journey

For those who are survivors.

For those who are fighters.

For those who have fought and lost.

For those who love the people referenced above.

Wonderful Weekend

Autumn surprised me on Tuesday by saying she was going to come visit. She arrived on Friday and stayed the weekend. We had such a good time. It was a welcome change from our every day. I enjoyed having a friend around for a few days and am encouraged enough to look forward to this next week. I am already looking forward to the next time we get together.

Friday and today, we just hung out around the house; playing games, watching movies, and chatting. On Saturday, we went to the zoo, which is always a fun day. They have opened a butterfly exhibit and built a sky lift since the last time we were there. Now, for the best part of the post: the pictures. I am sure if you check her blog in a few days, Autumn will have up some other (read better) pictures, but these are from my camera. My camera is still acting up and will only download about 1/3 of the pictures I take. :)

Snapshot Saturday

March 5, 2009

Butterfly had Heritage Day at school where the kids were supposed to dress up in the clothing of a previous decade.  She chose 80's, but about halfway through me doing her hair, she said it was big enough.  I tried to convince her that that would have been considered a bad hair day in the 80's because it was too flat.  She said it still was a bad hair day because it was too big.  She definitely had the attitude down that morning. 

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful for fall weather.
I am thankful for our first snowfall.
I am thankful for blankets.
I am thankful for hot cider.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for phone calls.
I am thankful for internet.
I am thankful for church.
I am thankful for worship music.
I am thankful for the ability to type.
I am thankful that my hand is better.
I am thankful for movies.
I am thankful for cuddle time.
I am thankful for games.
I am thankful for my girls.
I am thankful for calendars.
I am thankful for organization.
I am thankful for maps.
I am thankful for mail.

What are you thankful for today?

More To Say

Last week, I titled a post "I Am Lucky I Lived." It seemed to me at the time that the title said it all. Now, seven days later, I realize there is quite a bit more to say.

Before, when I would be consumed with memories of that time, I felt anything but lucky to be alive. So, just that I have recognized the good in making it through that time is huge.

But then there is the meaning of the title if the emphasis is on the last part. I had never contemplated before that moment that those things that happened in my childhood could have killed me, individual events and cumulative effects as well.

And yet I lived. I am glad about that.

An Explanation

Mostly in answer to comments left here and because so many of you care and I don't want to just not blog. I realize that just like in life, the real friends will stick around, even if I don't blog for a bit.  I really do have an obligation to blog, though. This obligation is not because of the readers, but because blogging is my line to sanity. It is my primary outlet and if I don't blog, the things really do get bottled up inside. Blogging is my journal. And the accountability of others reading it propels me to journal even when I feel like hibernating. The reality that my children read it limits what I put here to current things, though. And the things I am dealing with are not current. I have another blog. One I do not link here or on my about me page. I can access it from my dashboard. But I do not post those things here simply because I do not want my girls to see it. My name is not on that blog anywhere. There are no pictures or current thoughts about my life now. And to the best of my knowledge, there are no readers. But it gets the thoughts out. It serves its purpose. I know God is working in me. I just don't know quite what to put here, on this blog, where my girls read everything when these things I am dealing with are ancient history and filled with the ugliness that I have sheltered them from their whole lives. People have often told me my girls are too sheltered, and they are probably right. But it works for us. And not blogging about these thoughts where the girls can read them is one way that I shelter them from the ugliness in this world. Right now for me, there is a combination of feeling like hibernating and nothing really going on in our lives. We are not doing any noteworthy activities, just the day to day. All of the stuff I do really isn't too much, usually. Teaching preschool during church is stretching me a bit, but I know it is temporary and Pastor will find a replacement soon. The lack of sleep is getting to me. But the responsibilities that fall on me during the day mostly bring joy.

Snapshot Saturday

Last Saturday, we went to Fort Atkinson as a homeschool field trip.  It was a bit chilly, but we had a really good time.  FigNewTon posted about it on her blog.  I have a great picture of the group, but I would need every parent's permission to post it and since I don't have it you are left with Butterfly pretending to be in the pillory.  The pillory was used as a form of punishment during the early 1800's and was placed in a public place.  The person would have their head and arms locked in and the size of the frame prohibited most people from standing upright.  The reasons for being placed in the pillory could have been thievery, drunkenness, deserting the fort, or disobeying any other rules of the time. 

Magical

There is something magical about the first snow of the season, especially when it begins while I am sleeping.  The weatherman and all of the old-timers in the area said it would happen.  Because of the old-timers, I believed it.  They seem to get it right more often than the weatherman.  But I told my children it wouldn't snow.  I didn't want their hopes dashed.  Then this morning, I woke up and it was there.  Snow gently falling, resting on the trees and ground, making the whole world seem magical, giving a feeling of safety and warmth and that everything will work out. 

Absolute Rules

When life with Dean is at the forefront of my mind, it is hard to have rules for my kids that are absolute. My 14 year old needs absolute rules. I am much better at giving absolute rules now than when they were younger, because I have seen the havoc that plays out in our home if the rules are not absolute. My one child needs absolute rules where there is no discussion. I need to be able to allow my children to discuss things. I want them to always know that they can talk things out. But some things truly are non-negotiable.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful for fall weather.  I love the time of year that you don't need a coat, but are not hot, either.
I am thankful for fun outings like Fort Atkinson. 
I am thankful for my children.  They are so loving, so precious. 
I am thankful for friends and the encouragement they give me. 
I am thankful that the garden is finished and ready for winter. 
I am thankful that we have permission to have a garden again next year and that it will be bigger.
I am thankful that I am alive. 

What are you thankful for today?

I Am Lucky I Lived

The Perfect Sandwich

Lynn introduced me to the perfect sandwich that summer.

Dorito chips + Mayonnaise + Mustard on bread = delicious

There is absolutely nothing nutritious about this sandwich. However, when I can't eat because the memories of life with him flood my mind, often I can eat a Dorito chip sandwich and it will trigger something so I can begin eating again. Therefore, it is the perfect sandwich.

Lynn

One day when I was visiting with Lynn, Dean came home early. I told her to run, and I got between him and her. He knocked me down and I hit my head on the steps we had been sitting on. When I came to, I was tied up in my closet. I couldn't move and I couldn't make a sound. Every time my mother would leave the house, he would come in and torment me some more. That was when I learned not to fight, to just let him have his way. I couldn't stop him anyway. I could hear him sometimes telling mother that I had run away. The thought had never crossed my mind before. I ran away after he untied me; lots of times. At first, I would hide in places like under the trailer, a tree I liked to climb, and the tall grass behind our trailer. In the end, nothing scared me and I would go anywhere my legs could carry me. I don't know what happened to Lynn that day. I assume she made it home, that he didn't catch her. We never talked about it, and she never came to my house again. Sometimes, I would go to her house and talk to her. Sometimes we would hide in the blackberry patch and chat. Sometimes, we would sit in the tall grass between our homes. But we never talked about that day, and we never talked about what happened at home. We would talk about the usual things 11 year old girls talk about like lazy summer dreams, school, and cartoons. She was older than me, but she seemed so much younger because she was so sheltered and innocent. I tried to keep it that way.

That Child

I had a friend named Lynn. We would sit on the back steps of my trailer and talk when I was the only one home. She would not come over when anyone else was there. I would signal her and let her know I was alone. She could see her house from the back steps and it felt safe. But her mom didn't like me because I was not trained in the things of polite society, the things most parents train their children to do. Things like please and thank you, putting away toys and sharing, taking care of things and recognizing that they have value. I was always hungry and usually dirty. I probably was not the type of child I would now choose for my children, except that I was that child and so I know that with a little love and guidance, that child can be taught to do what is acceptable and right. Then at least the child has a choice. When given the opportunity, I allow these children to come into my life and the lives of my children. Because I think I can be that voice of reason. When it becomes too much of a burden on my children, then sometimes I have to let that child go. When it becomes obvious that even with knowledge and choices, the child still chooses what he or she lives with, I let them slip out of our lives. But usually, with a little love and guidance, they are here to stay. I was that child, after all, so I know how to reach them.

Inconvenient

I am learning if I do not type these things out as they come to mind, they are gone. I cannot wait until a convenient time to post these entries. They demand to be posted at the time they are in my head. And if I don't they are buried within to resurface again, often at a time I don't want to deal with them.

My last entry was titled logic. And I said that these fears defy logic, which is true. But they can often be controlled by logic. When I wake up in the mornings filled with fear because there was a noise in the hallway, I can always immediately convince myself that it is my 13 year old waking up to face the day. But just because my brain knows these things doesn't mean my emotions follow suit. That is where the breakdown is. My brain will know something, but convincing my body to listen to logic rather than the overwhelming fear is another story.

I have also realized most things I cannot bring myself to type here. They are too ugly. Most of them have never even been spoken out loud. But I know there is some healing in doing this so I will continue trying. It will be disjointed, out of order, without any discernable reason. I don't like things that are disorderly. So that is hard for me. But I will continue trying.

Not Saying Anything

A friend emailed me and pointed out that I am not blogging.  This is a good thing.  She knows exactly why I blog and she was holding me accountable.  I am thankful for that. 

I could use the excuse that I am busy. On Monday, every Monday, we have EIGHT appointments, one right after the other. And then we usually have a spattering of appointments throughout the rest of the week. Butterfly is going through curriculum as fast as I can pull it together. I have signed the girls back up for Girl Scouts. We have started attending a homeschool co-op. I am coordinating field trips for co-op. I clean the church and coordinate the rest of the cleaning team. I serve in the youth ministry. I teach preschool every other Sunday, except recently it has seemed more like every Sunday. So, I could easily use the excuse that I am busy and tell you that is why I am not blogging. But that is simply not true.

Things are going well. Butterfly is progressing. My hand is fine. It still hurts and I still do exercises on it daily, but it is OK and will be OK. My foot is doing well. FigNewTon is doing school and fighting less. So, life on all fronts that I talk about here is good.

I have all sorts of things going through my head that I simply cannot put here on the blog. Most of them are more like sermons and less like blog entries. Some ladies can preach a sermon every day on their blog, and do a good job of it. I find encouragement from visiting their sites, and sometimes I am compelled to change. That is not what I want this blog to be. Occasionally, if it comes as an outpouring of my spirit, I don’t mind "preaching" here. But these sermons inside my head are not that. These sermons are about worship, Noah, Job and a whole series about unusual. I have no outlet for these sermons.

The real reason I am not blogging is I am tired and I have nothing good to say. I am hurting and though I wouldn't mind the encouragement that some of you might leave, I don't want the scolding or even advice that others will leave. I have things swirling around inside my head that have no place on this blog. Some because they are ugly thoughts from when I was younger. These thoughts simply do not belong here, where my girls can read them. So, I am not blogging because I have nothing to say, and I don't want to be shallow, so I say nothing at all.

Snapshot Saturday

December 25, 2007

Butterfly was playing with b'lloonies that I had given her that morning.

Memory Making Moments - September

Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas, suggestions and encouragement when I was trying to come up with a new title for this monthly review of our lives. I like doing this monthly post for several reasons. (1)I don't feel obligated to blog about every event; because I know I will cover them here. (2)I like reviewing all the fun things we do in a given month. I don't realize until I do just how many memories we make each month. (3)And lastly, it is an easy way to keep track for when we do sit down and scrapbook. If you would like, you can join me. It seems to be a really nice tradition.

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We tried several new recipes and cooked together a lot.
We even began putting together a family cookbook.

We made kites.

FigNewTon had a birthday.

And she invited a friend to sleep over.

We did several crafts. On the left, we were decorating the top of Butterfly's desk. On the right, Butterfly was making pieces for Mrs. Pumpkin-head. (I made pieces for Mr. Pumpkin-head.)

We went bowling.  Twice.

Logic

Why is it that these fears defy logic? I live on the third floor and I cannot sleep with my windows open, the movement of trees outside my window fills me with such terror that I cannot think. Reasoning goes out the window when I wake up screaming. Logic is a foreign word whose meaning my body and emotions do not know. And then I pray to God to make the constant flow of memories stop, to make them go away. Sometimes I am allowed a reprieve for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year. Sometimes I am not. But in the end it doesn't matter, because the fear always comes back assaulting my senses with memories for every smell, taste, sight, sound or touch that comes into them. Emotions are so muddled and overwhelmed that nothing makes sense. It wouldn't be so bad if all of this happened in an orderly fashion, allowing me to work through first one set of experiences before moving on to the other. But they come rushing at me with no semblance of order and refusing to be controlled by logic.

Chaos

I have been accused of creating chaos in my life. I wish. Created chaos would be so much easier to deal with than the chaos that is my life. Who would choose this?

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

Yesterday's news and yesterday's progress
The library
My Bible
Grace, mercy, and forgiveness
Healing
Homeschool co-op
Friends, new and old, near and far
Rearranging and organizing
Homeschooling the girls
Blankets
Neighbors
My car

So, what are you thankful for today?