The Grass is Always Greener...

...on the other side of the fence. We have all heard that. And we have all felt it. But is it true?

Speaking of grass and gardens, no. Not usually. For the past week, I have been watering a friend's garden while she is away on vacation. Her flower garden is beautiful. Every time I drive past it, it looks so green and the flowers so vibrant and pretty. I don't notice the weeds, the insects, or the disease that may be affecting the plants. It looks simply perfect.

As I water the garden, I am also tending it. Up close, the flowers are still beautiful. Maybe more so. However, I become painfully aware that the roses have thorns. And the things that look like lush ground cover from a distance are really weeds. The weeds have to go because they sap the nutrients and water that needs to go to the flowers.

When it comes to life, I think the same is true. From a distance, someone else's life may look better. But get up close and you can see the things that are difficult or painful. Or the weeds of sin that choke the life out of a person.

This week, I aim to take a closer look at the other side of the fence. Not because I am covetous, but so that I can be there to help a friend tend their garden.

Snapshot Saturday

April 2007

FigNewTon was preparing for a competition. The mouse on her helmet is named Maisy. She tried to skate with Maisy on her head because it helped her maintain the proper posture. In this picture, she is concentrating on doing a new move. But that focus, that concentration, that determination is characteristic of her whenever she skates. She loves it, but it seldom shows on her face while she is skating. Afterward, when she is talking about what she did or what she learned, there is no room for doubt that skating is her passion.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for?

This week I am having to dig deep to be able to articulate these things. Because I feel empty. I know I am not. So that is where I will start:

I am thankful that God is with me even when I don't feel it. I am thankful that His presence in my life is constant and predictable. He is always there working on my behalf.

I am thankful for summer and all it means:
--time to focus on FigNewTon's schooling, both this year and next.
--time to let Butterfly sleep in and (hopefully) her brain heal. On that note, she is now functioning more on the level of a 10 year old. There have been improvements.
--time to get my house, paperwork, and other affairs in order. In short, time to be a sahm for a few months.
--time to just hang out with my kids and do stuff like go camping.

I am thankful that God is always working in me, to shape and mold me into a better person, one more like Him.

What are you thankful for today?

Happy Birthday Butterfly!

A Memorial

A memorial is defined as something designed to preserve the memory of a person, event, etc.

So, today, I would like to present a memorial to those people I know who have served our country and preserved the freedoms we enjoy today.

My Grandma lost a brother. He has been listed as MIA since the Korean War. Her heart still aches to know what happened to him. And she probably never will.

My Grandpa was a gentle man. He served in the navy during WWII. He never talked much about it, but whenever some exhibit or show would come to town that honored the military, we would go. Near the 4th of July, there was always an air show. He would become so animated at those shows. Sometimes the animation was excitement. Exclaiming how this or that was just as he remembered. Sometimes it was frustration, because some civilian would not honor those in uniform while we were there. Sometimes the animation was about him not liking the way some things had changed, often after a young soldier would fail to acknowledge him and his service. He taught me to say thank you to any person, friend or stranger, that I saw in military uniform. He said that without those people, my life would not be the same. He taught me to honor people while they are still with us because they won't know the honors they receive after they are gone. He also taught me to give preferential treatment to them. Whether it is relinquishing my place in line at the grocery store, letting them sit down first at a theater, or any small act of kindness that says thank you. His heart ached after Vietnam. Simply because the men and women who served our country during that war were treated so poorly when they returned home. He taught me to understand that our military personnel often do not make choices. The individuals who comprise our military follow orders. They serve without question even when they might disagree with the people handing down the orders. And they, as individuals, should be honored. I think he would feel the same way today about this current war. He taught me so well, that it is still what I do today and what I am striving to teach my girls. With that in mind, I am going to try to give honor to those people I know who are still living and have served our country during their lifetime.

DF: Thank you! I appreciate the sacrifices you make. The times that you cannot be with your family because you are protecting our country. I appreciate every holiday and birthday that you miss celebrating with your wife and kids. I appreciate the longevity of your career in the military. And I appreciate the freedoms that I have because you serve to protect them.

JF: I appreciate your valiant service during the Gulf War. I know that this service caused you difficulties even after you returned home. I am quite thankful that you so selflessly served. Thank you!

JC: Thank you! You haven't been home long. We all missed you while you were away. I am truly grateful for the personal freedoms that you sacrificed so that we could continue to enjoy ours. Thank you for your service.

JT: You were barely home and now you are leaving again. You have grown up so much since you signed up for the military. We miss you while you are not here. I talk to your dad about you at least once a month. And I am truly thankful for all you do. I pray for you daily. I pray for your safety. And I pray that you will stay strong in your faith. And that God will use you in a mighty way. Thank you!

If there are any retired service people that I know that I have missed, I am sorry. I am truly thankful for all of your sacrifices. And I am aware that the freedoms I enjoy came at a very high price. God bless you all!

Feel free to leave your own memorial in the comments to those people you know who have served our country, whether living or dead.

Snapshot Saturday

August 2007

First day of 6th grade

Butterfly was so excited

Most 6th graders aren't, I know

She had been homeschooled for five years

So it was a big change for her

Something new and different

Thankful Thursday

Psalm 50:14-15 NIrV

"Bring me thank offerings, because I am your God. Carry out the promises you made to me, because I am the Most High God. Call out to me when trouble comes. I will save you. And you will honor me."

• Today I am thankful for summer vacation. No more driving the school bus until August. No more taking Butterfly to school every day.
• I am thankful for Internet, so that I can keep up with friends who are far away.
• And doctors with God given wisdom to help heal those who are sick.
• I am thankful that the God who created the universe takes a special interest in my life. That He knows who I am and hears my prayers.
• I am thankful for the lessons I have learned even when I am not thankful for the way I learned them. For the chances to grow in my character and faith, even when that growth is painful.
• I am thankful for all of the ways life parallels the spiritual so the lessons are easier for me to understand.
• I am thankful for those people that choose to walk beside me. The ones who help carry my burdens, the ones who let me help carry theirs, and the blessed ones who allow us to share each other's burdens. May God bless you, my friends.

Psalm 50:23 NIrV
"Anyone who sacrifices thank offerings to me honors me. He makes it possible for me to show him that I am the God who saves."

She titled it "A Snapshot"

This is probably terrible blog etiquette. Since I am so new to blogging, I am not sure.

The tall child is mine.
The author is my friend.
The commentary brought tears to my eyes.

I'm There

Do you know that place where you say things you never thought you would say? (Traumatic Brain Injury) And you have said them so much that you are becoming comfortable using their abbreviations? (TBI) And you forget that these words are not a part of every parent's vocabulary? (Nuero-anything) And then you catch a questioning look and remember that this is not everyone's life? And realize that you always knew that it wasn't but pretended that it was to make it easier to deal with? I'm there.

We have been dealing with brain issues in one form or another for five years now.

With FigNewTon, everything was new. Everything was overwhelming. Everything was different. And then it all became normal. Neurologist. Neurosurgeon. Neuropsychologist. MRI. CT Scan. Conflicting information that I had to sort through and keep up with and make sure went from one doctor to another. Decision followed by decision followed by uncertainty, questioning if I had made the right choice. All led to increased faith, increased reliance upon a Savior who was the only one that really knew exactly what she needed, increased knowing that He would never leave me. Resting in His love.

For some reason, with Butterfly, it seems new all over again. Except that I have learned that putting nuero in front of a title doesn't make a person all knowing. Because even they don't always agree about what is best. With FigNewTon, the doctors all agreed on one thing: that she must have a brain scan of some sort every time she bumped her head even slightly. To be honest, in the end, I thought they were being over-vigilant. After all, she had had several bumps where nothing happened. What was the big deal? Thankfully, I never learned what the big deal was with FigNewTon. Because so many people bathed her in prayer, because God chose to protect and to heal her, because His hand was so mighty upon her. But with Butterfly, the slightest bump brings a regression, an increase in symptoms. With every bump, the chances that she will get better decreases. The chances that the next bump will signal the end of her life increases.

And then the weight begins to seem too heavy. Like I cannot walk this road any longer. And I wonder, where is the faith I thought I had gained with FigNewTon? Where is the ability to rest in my Savior? Because I know He is there. I know He is hearing and answering our prayers. I may not see it. I may not feel it. But I know it. And I know there are many people bathing her in prayer, and I believe God is protecting her and healing her, that His hand is also upon her. But with her, these things I know are not because of what I see. I could see that FigNewTon was healthier than she should be under the circumstances. Butterfly is not. FigNewTon, though she faced many obstacles and side effects, and though for a time we were unsure whether or not she would make it, there was always the obvious signs that God's hand was resting upon her. With Butterfly, not so much.

I see Butterfly growing. She is becoming such a sweet person. Her heart is tender in ways it never has been. She is more loving. She talks to me. She wants to be good. She thinks of others before herself. She has increased compassion. I have never seen her exhibit as much self-control as she now has. She is patient. And I am thankful for every change that is being shown in her character. I do not know if she would have become that person without the brain injury. So for now, that must be enough. I must accept the path that is bringing the changes in my beautiful Butterfly's heart. And trust that in His perfect time, in His perfect way, I will begin to see the physical healing as well.

Snapshot Saturday

Butterfly is next to me, FigNewTon is next to Grandma

Christmas 2007

Monopoly took forever. Grandma won.

We had so much fun.

Christmas 2007 we visited my Grandma. She had just moved from her home of 30 years into an apartment and she was sad all the time. I thought creating memories in her new home would help. Sharing Christmas morning with children is a fabulous way to create memories, so we packed up and went to visit her. She is a very special lady who mostly raised me. I was glad to give my girls the opportunity to get to know this wonderful lady. We spent lots and lots of time playing board games. Grandma and I spent lots and lots of time playing board games when I was a child, too.

Thankful Thursday

True Friends

Happy Memories

Abundant Grace

Nice Neighbors

Kindness Shown

Family Time

Understanding Boss

Loving God


This Moment

Home Time

Undeserved Salvation

Rain

Scripture

Daughters

Abundant Blessings

Yesterday's Lessons



There are quite a few more things I am thankful for, and I may edit this post later to include them. This has been a really hard week. Not because anything difficult has happened, but because it has been difficult for me to focus on God. I thought maybe listing some of the things I am thankful for might help. Who knows, it may become a regular occurrence, but I probably won't go to the effort of doing an acrostic next time.

What are you thankful for today?

C.H.A.O.S.

Ever feel like your life is in chaos? As stated in my about me, I do on the best of days.
And the technical details of my life are chaotic. Any mother could say the same. Because as a mother you are responsible for coordinating the schedule of every person in your family. A single mom, military wife, or wife of someone who travels with work has a bit more responsibility. And a single mom doesn't get the negative of dad coming home disrupting the schedule or the positive of him being able to pitch in when he is home. So, all in all, I have long believed that it balances. My life is not harder or easier than most other moms. Just different. Some things are harder. I have no one to ask when I need help. Some things are easier. Where there is no expectation (Honey, could you take out the garbage?), there is no frustration. So, the chaos is not attributed to my singleness.

What then? FigNewTon was sick for a long time. She still sees the doctor about once every three weeks, if all is going well. And all has been going well for about a year now. We had a few bumps, but once every three weeks feels good. For a long time, it was three or more a week. She is back to all of her normal activities and acts like any other twelve year old girl I know. I didn't talk much about what she was going through while it was happening. So, I may never divulge more here. Unless it becomes current again.

FigNewTon being healthy had just become a reality and had not completely sunk in to my psyche when Butterfly got the brain injury. At first, this did not mean a lot of doctor appointments. We had a few spattered in. Meet the neurosurgeon, who she doesn't need to see any more because there is no need for surgery. Thank God! Everyone just expected her to get better.

But she didn't. Meet the neurologist. Actually, it wasn't meet the neurologist for me as it is FigNewTon's neurologist. But meet the neurologist for Butterfly. Meet the neuro-psychologist. So, now we are down to approximately six appointments a month. Plus two for FigNewTon, that usually don't coordinate well with Butterfly's. This is better. But it feels all too familiar.

Just the sheer number of doctor appointments can make life seem chaotic. As the mom, I must make sure that the information is getting transferred from one doctor to the other. Because sometimes it doesn't. The reality of Butterfly not functioning like herself feels chaotic. And all to familiar.

Trying to be an advocate for what she needs at school, with an administrator who feels the need to completely understand and have concrete proof, in a school that doesn't have individual education plans or the means to set them up. This is new chaos that I have never had to deal with before as FigNewTon is homeschooled and was during her illness. Homeschooling Butterfly again is beginning to look appealing. Definitely less stressful than the alternative. But, for now, I don't think it is what she needs. That could change next month.

Every other aspect of my life is mostly like that of any other mother. So, I guess it is the illness and injury that each of my girls deals with that makes life chaos. But I have found a way to ease the chaos. At least inside of me. It doesn't eliminate the outer chaos, just makes it easier to handle internally. Here is my secret:

Christ

Having

Authority

Over

Situations

Sounds simple, but not always easy to implement. It gives me the strength to face the chaos. Because I am not doing it alone. It is no longer resting on my shoulders. It belongs to Jesus Christ. And I know that He can handle it. I don't have to. So, inside, the chaos is replaced by calm.

Snapshot Saturday

We are having a blast this weekend!!

Last night, I enjoyed some time without my girls. I walked around the lake with a friend. The conversation was quite enjoyable. Plus, we saw two geese with five goslings. Seeing them protectively usher the goslings away was precious. We should all be so diligent to care for our children.

Then, after my time out ended, I joined my girls and the friends who were watching them, for a night of camping. I arrived a bit earlier than they expected and was asked to not look at the crafts in process. When we went to bed, the wind really picked up. It nearly blew the tent over several times. I do not usually camp when it is quite this chilly. But I am having so much fun! At around 1:00a.m., the girls and I moved to the car and slept there for the rest of the night. It is a good thing, too, as the wind succeeded in collapsing our tent sometime in the next five hours. This morning, we grown-ups watched the weather forecast and decided to stay another night. The girls and I had only packed for one night and I had some things that absolutely had to be done today, so we came home to gather our things. We are off to camp some more!!

What a fabulous way to wake up on Mother's Day! God bless, and happy Mother's Day, everyone!

Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news

Butterfly went to see Dr.W yesterday. Dr.W is a neuro-psychologist. Put "neuro-" in front of any word and it becomes almost foreboding. A neuro-psychologist is and isn't what it sounds like. I say that because he is a psychologist, but that is not all. He also studied the brain like a neurologist, learning how each part functions and interacts with the other. One of the things he specifically does is to evaluate children after they have suffered a TBI.

Anyway, yesterdays visit was to give us results of the last test. She is functioning well within the normal range. Normal is from approximately 9% - 91%. It is a huge range. Most of the population falls between 16% - 84% . She is currently functioning between 15% and 70%. Those of you who don't know her are probably thinking that is great, and I am certainly thankful for where she is. But she is not near where she was. Her normal range was between 91% and 97%. She was at the opposite end of the normal range, slightly outside of it. And for what she has lost, I am sad. And I am allowing myself to acknowledge and feel these things. But I refuse to get stuck here.

No matter what, she will be a successful adult. She is OK. A lot of very successful people function in the range she is at. Normal is a big range because it is where the majority of the population falls. In addition to focusing on that reality, I am focusing on what I believe. I believe she will regain every good thing she lost, such as above average IQ. And that those things she struggled with even before the TBI will be corrected. She is a nicer child than before. She has more respect, more compassion, and more understanding for others. And by God's grace she will continue to become a better person. Plus, we have known since she was a toddler that God has called her to the mission field. And she realized sometime during her middle childhood exactly where she is going. Since I truly believe that this is what God has called her to do, then I must also believe that He will equip her to do just that. That will require her to be all of the things she is becoming (personality) and all of the things she was before (intelligence). So, I have no doubts. She will get better.

For more information on TBI's, check out this website. They say it better than I could. In fact, look around a bit there. It covers a lot of interesting information that is good for anyone to have. And after checking out the website, if you have questions about TBI's, ask and I will try to answer them.

In case you think it couldn't happen to your kid, I will tell you what happened to mine. The girls asked if they could ride their bikes to the water park, 3 1/2 miles away. I reminded them to wear their helmets because Butterfly had recently decided it was uncool. About half an hour before the girls were due home, the phone rings and I expect that they are going to ask for more time. But instead FigNewTon is on the other end panicking. I have to tell her to calm down and slow down so I can understand her. From her description, I think that Butterfly is fine and tell her to walk their bikes home. And before you decide I am a neglectful mother, I was stuck at home with a broken foot. That made it impossible for me to drive my manual transmission car. As soon as she hangs up, I get another call. It is a pediatrician that I thank God for sending down that street at that moment. She says that my child needs to go to the ER and do I want her to pick me up on the way. Of course, I say yes. So, she was riding a bike, with a helmet. And that one moment changed our lives.

What is a fig newton, Mom?

The other day, Butterfly asked if she could read my blog. She was reading about FigNewton and said she didn't understand the part about cookies. My poor deprived child!! Last night at the grocery store, I bought some fig newtons for her to taste. FigNewTon's opinion of them is mixed. She thinks they are ok, but nothing she'll ask for again. Butterfly hasn't tasted them yet. I only like them if they are homemade.

They were my Grandpa's favorite cookie. He would devour a bag every day if they were at the house, but complained that they weren't any good. About once a year, Grandma would bake a batch. Then Grandpa would think he was on top of the world and tell her how wonderful she was and take her out to dinner and buy her gifts. He would treat her extra special like that for about six months, then he would start dropping hints again. They were funny like that. Grandpa sure loved Grandma. I checked out a few recipies for fig newtons on the web. No wonder Grandma only made them about once a year. Seems a bit labor intensive to me. Not something I am going to tackle this weekend, for sure.

Did You Gap Your Plugs?

Have you ever felt like you had wasted a day? I did yesterday. You see, I spent most of the day changing the spark plugs on the car, hoping that would be the trick to making it run again. I am not a mechanic. I didn't really know what I was doing. It still wouldn't start. So, I was a bit disappointed with the outcome. And felt like I had wasted my time.

And then this morning at church, someone asked me, "Did you gap your plugs?" I am sure the look on my face was one of complete confusion. I mean, "Did I gap my plugs?!?" I did not even have a clue what he was talking about. So, it felt that much more like I had wasted my time.

But then I thought about it. I learned that I can do these things, if I have to. I changed my spark plugs. And I am confident, so long as there is someone there to answer questions, I can do a similar thing in the future. I hope I don't have to. But I know I can. So maybe it wasn't such a wasted day after all.

Plus, it gave me the chance to interact and make a connection with two pre-Christian families that I have been getting to know. One lives close and was there to be the muscle if I didn't quite have the strength to do something. The other is the husband of someone I work with. He was available to answer questions over the phone and they stopped by when I was finishing up. Both saw me get flustered. And yet, I didn't do anything that would compromise my witness to them. Both wives mentioned that they wouldn't be as calm and confident that everything would be OK in the same situation. I said that God hadn't let me down yet and I was confident He would take care of me in this. And I am confident that He will; even if the car, that I still owe $3500 on, never runs again. I am not sure what He will do, but I KNOW He will provide what I need. Again, not a wasted day.

For the rest of this, an elementary explanation of what it means to gap spark plugs is in order. Basically, you need to make sure that the gap between the ground electrode and the center electrode is the right size. Down to the hundredths of an inch. If it is not, the car will not run smoothly. That is the extent of my understanding, so if you want a more technical explanation, go here.

So then I thought about family life, mostly because that is what Pastor preached on this morning. In our families, the slightest gap can make things not run smoothly. Whether it is being so busy that there is not time to be a family, to listen to each other, to deposit our morals and values and beliefs into our children. Or something more painful like hurt and unforgiveness and fighting in the family. Or life circumstances like illness or financial trouble. Or you fill in the blank with whatever this could be in your life.

And then after church, I thought about my relationship with God. Gapping the plugs there looks like spending time in His Word. Praying. Spending time with other believers. Serving God and the church. Tithing. Worshiping Him. Listening to His direction. And obeying God.

OK. So with the car, no, I didn't gap the plugs. However, I called the auto parts store where I bought the plugs and they had sold me a set that supposedly was already done for my make of car. Because they knew I didn't really have a clue and was doing this myself.

With the family, especially lately, I have been doing pretty good at gapping the plugs. That has always been a goal, but lately it is my top priority. Mostly because of all the things going on with Butterfly. But also because of FigNewTon and how she is struggling to deal with being the healthy sister. Their roles have reversed. FigNewTon is healthier than she has ever been while Butterfly has a minimum of two doctor appointments a week. And FigNewTon is now, in many ways, the older child.

With my relationship with God, not so much lately. I have struggled to listen to Him and trust Him because I have been so distracted by the problems that, from my viewpoint, seem enormous. I need to remember that God is bigger than these temporary problems. I am still reading the word. I am still talking to God. I am still serving and reaching out to others who don't know Christ. But I am not resting in Him.

How about you? Did you gap your plugs?

FigNewTon

My 12 year old daughter was a bit harder to come up with a name for.

I started with Bookworm. For the obvious reasons. But, to be fair, that could be a nickname for any of us. So, ditch that one simply because it could get confusing. And because there is so much more to her. She voted on Lady Bug. But, it too seems generic to me.

So then I came up with FigNewTon. She is always trying to FIGure things out. She is such a contemplative child. She thinks before she speaks. She thinks before she acts. She is also a FIGure skater. Loves it. Figure skating is her passion, her outlet, her focus. Her dream is to be an Olympian. She is always willing to try something NEW. She loves to make NEW friends and try NEW activities. She is the queen of coming up with NEW ideas. And she is involved in a TON of stuff. In addition to what I have mentioned; she is in dance, gymnastics, and active in the youth group. She is interested in sign language and learning to play the piano. She is home-schooled. And she has just started gardening. WE don't have a garden, SHE has a garden. Granted, it takes a lot of hands on teaching and training and help from me, but it is hers. And, anyway, doesn't everybody love cookies?

So, the perfect blog name for my other daughter was born. In the middle of the night, I might add.

Butterfly

This is the blog name I have chosen to give my 13 year old.

There are two reasons. We often don't ooh and aah over caterpillars. But the process they go through to become what we see as beautiful is where my daughter is. So it serves as a reminder of what she is becoming.

She is also a social butterfly. She wants to be involved in everything and be friends with everyone. She warmly greets people when she meets them. She attends a small private school in the area. She excelled last year with straight A's and was involved in every possible activity. She was in volleyball, basketball, track, dance, and band. She had the lead in her school play last year and had a small part this year.

I keep using past tense. She suffered a brain injury in August and a re-injury in late January. So now she acts more like an 8 year old. School is no longer easy and she doesn't have the energy to participate in extra curricular activities. I often choose to focus on the positive of what she can do, what she hasn't lost, and how God can use this for good in our lives. That focus helps to keep me sane. I am sure I will explore TBI's here later, in much detail. It is, after all, a large part of our life right now.