Thankful Thursday

OOPS! My first thought when I realized that today was Thursday, after posting this, was, "Can I just skip it?" No. I can't. I need to do this. Every week. No matter what. Because it has created within me a thankfulness that I have never had before. So...

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful for New Year's Day and the fun it brings.

I am thankful for flexibility (we opened our presents this morning).

I am thankful that FigNewTon has a friend to hang out with tonight and a youth group event to attend.

I am thankful for my car, my house, and heat in both places.

I am thankful for the telephone and Internet.

I am thankful for Christmas.

I am thankful for presents.

I am thankful for my camera.

I am thankful for my girls.

I am thankful for life. (Did you read this?)

So, what are you thankful for today?

Ashamed

I have known for weeks that I need to post about some of our other Christmas traditions, but I was ashamed because they are different. I have never really gotten any positive feedback from other people about our traditions. I have gotten negative feedback, and I have gotten neutral comments, but never positive. I don't really need positive feedback, but I have become gun shy about sharing the way we do things because I don't need the negative either. But this morning, when I read this post, I knew I had to speak up.

On Christmas day, traditionally, we don't open gifts. We have a good breakfast, prepare a big meal, and bake a cake. While the cake is cooling, you will find each of us contemplatively sitting in a separate room, individually coming up with a gift to give to Jesus. We write it down so we can look back on it later. Often, what we give Him seems ugly and not worth giving. It is those parts of ourselves that we do not want that we end up giving Him, asking Him to change us to become more like He wants us to be and less sinful, less self focused. Sometimes, we tell each other what we have given Jesus. Sometimes we keep it private, just between us and God. Always, we give Him something that, if not dear to us, is an intricate part of our being. The gifts on Christmas day are all for Him.

So, when do we open gifts? We open gifts from others as soon as they come in and we open our presents to and from each other on New Year's Day. I wouldn't change the way we do things, and I am no longer ashamed. :)

How Was Your Decade?

Another blogger asked this question yesterday. It really made me think. On the surface, not much has changed. From year to year, I seldom would have looked back and said we had a good year. There were some good moments, but the overall picture has never seemed really good.

For the then and now comparison. Then, I was a newly divorced single mom. Now, I am still a single mom. That implies that we were alone. More alone than you would at first think because I don't have family and the girls' dad is not a part of their life. Now, I have learned to trust friends, to ask for help, and to lean on the people who are more like family than blood could ever be. We were poor. Really poor. Daily struggling to make sure my girls' basic needs like food and shelter were met. We are still poor. Really poor. But a lot better off. We have our basic needs met, but do without secondary needs often. I would hate to admit exactly how often I choose to pay the power bill instead of go to the laundromat or buy dish soap instead of a pair of shoes. All things they need, but some things they need more.

So, on the surface, not much seems to have changed. But everything has changed. Then, my life was good and I didn't know it. Now, my life is good and I know it.

What is the difference? Simple, I have learned that it only takes one thing for life to be good: LIFE. And we all three have life, so life is good.

How did I learn this? First, FigNewTon was sick for years. We, the doctors and I, all expected her to not turn 10 and when she did we then expected her to not turn 12. Something about living for that long expecting your child to die changes the perspective of what is truly important. But I didn't completely get it then. I still longed to have a good life rather than being thankful that we all had life. Then Butterfly had her accident and I was shattered. It hit me that it could all be over in a moment. And I spent most of the next year living in fear that it would all be over in a moment. Then last summer, I realized what it takes for days and even life to be good. So now even though everything is the same, everything has changed.

It's been a good decade.

How about you? How was your decade?

Frozen Locks

Lock de-icer is best used before the locks freeze. Really. It is recommended that you spray your locks with it prior to the first freeze and monthly until the spring thaw. Also, it doesn't actually de-ice the lock. It lubricates the lock to prevent ice from forming in the first place. I think maybe it should be called something else. The name is misleading. Maybe pre-ice lock lubricator.

Although WD-40 is a lubricant, it is the wrong consistency and should not be used on frozen door locks or hinges. It could make matters worse. Trust me, I figured this one out all on my own, you know, after I tried it and then couldn't even get the key into the lock a fraction of an inch.

So, when I was all out of ideas, I came inside and did a web search for how to de-ice car locks. Would you like to know some of what I read?

1. Use a propane torch on low setting and blast the lock. I see several problems with this immediately, not the least of which being that I don't have a propane torch sitting around the house, or the fear that I would cause more harm than good. So, NEXT...
2. Use a hair dryer to warm the lock. OK. If I had a 300 foot extension cord maybe. I live in an apartment. And I would guess that if anyone parked close enough to a power outlet to be able to plug in a hair dryer, they would be in a garage and not have frozen locks in the fist place. NEXT...
3. Pour warm water on it and unlock it fast before it freezes again. Somehow, when the temperature is 20 degrees, I don't think this will work. NEXT...
4. Heat the key with a lighter or match. OK. This one has some merit. A warm key will melt any ice making the lock stick. However, in Nebraska, when it is freezing cold and icy, there is generally wind. Keeping a match or lighter lit long enough to warm something up is not possible. NEXT...
5. Wait for spring. Sounds like hibernating might be a good idea, but not a viable option. NEXT...
6. Place a toilet paper tube over the door lock and blow on the lock. This one sounded odd, but I was not wanting to wait for spring, so I headed out to the car and gave it a try. It takes persistence, but it works.

So, there you have it folks. The next time your locks are frozen, all you need is a toilet paper tube and a little hot air!

Snapshot Saturday

December 2000

I couldn't decide which picture to post. They were all so cute. The first two, Butterfly is opening a gift from Stephanie who never posts on her blog. In the third picture, the girls were just staring at a glass tea set like they were scared to touch it. Butterfly had asked for one, but was timid about taking it out of the box. All those times we had told the girls to be careful with glass dishes is reflected in this one picture, for sure.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful that Christmas is tomorrow. I am thankful for a day to be still with my family with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I am thankful for Jesus birth, the chance to celebrate it, the chance to share this precious gift with others. I am thankful for snow. I am thankful for presents under the tree. I am thankful that my children have learned to be generous. I am thankful for our family traditions. I am thankful for the chance to create new ones. I am thankful for pretty lights, tinsel, ornaments, and decorations.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Snapshot Saturday

August 2009

Butterfly being goofy. Enough said.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

• my girls
• friends
• God's faithfulness
• my car
• God's provision
• internet
• Christmas decorations
• warmer weather (it was in the 20's today)
• the library
• homeschool co-op

What are you thankful for today?

Nativity Giveaway

My friend Autumn is hosting a giveaway. She is giving away this really nice nativity set. Stop by her blog and check it out.

Because of Autumn's giveaway, I thought I would tell you a bit about my nativity sets.

I showed you the big picture when I posted about my decoarations this year.

This one is definitely my favorite. It is a music box and snow globe, both things that I really enjoy. It was given to me one Christmas when I really needed to be reminded that God loves me. It will probably always be my favorite because it always reminds me of that truth. Last Christmas, I gave it to FigNewTon because she had decided to collect snow globes. I have a few more years to enjoy it in my home before it will go to hers.

This one, the girls picked out for me during an after Christmas clearance January of 2004. I was home sick with pneumonia and a friend had taken the girls to the grocery store.

This ornament, Butterfly prayed for the year she was in 1st grade. It was the only gift that really mattered to her that year.

I know this one isn't really a nativity set, but it holds the most important part of the scene. FigNewTon made this Christmas of 2001. I am sure she had quite a bit of help from her Sunday School teacher. She wrapped it and gave it to me. She was so proud.

I picked this one up at a garage sale in 2002. I figured the girls needed one that they could touch and play with. It is the size of my hand.

These three were in stockings that a co-worker gave me in 2003. She filled them with crayons, color books, and these.

Snapshot Saturday

July 2007

In June and July of 2007, FigNewTon babysat the girl on the right. One of the things they did was participate in the local summer reading club. FigNewTon helped the girl learn to read that summer. Tickets to the fun park were one of the prizes for reading, so as soon as they earned them, I took the children. FigNewTon spent all the money she earned on a pair of skates. It is one of the many ways she has shown over the years that she is willing to take ownership of her dream of reaching the Olympics. For a ten year old to save every penny from babysitting for two months to spend on a pair of skates definitely shows commitment to a goal.

Ringing Bells

This evening, the middle school students in our homeschool co-op rang bells for the Salvation Army. We stood outside both doors at Wal-mart for two very cold hours. The kids seemed to have quite a bit of fun dancing and singing and wishing people a Merry Christmas.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today? My list is more random today than usual.

I am thankful for snow. I am thankful for a home large enough to put out my Christmas decorations. I am thankful that I am finished decorating. I am thankful for heat in that home. I am thankful for blankets to cuddle up under. I am thankful for doctors. I am thankful for friends. I am thankful for my girls. I am thankful for memories. I am thankful for traditions. I am thankful for hope. I am thankful for food. I am thankful for grocery stores. I am thankful for books. I am thankful for movies. I am thankful for a car. I am thankful that Jesus came to earth 2000 years ago. I am thankful that He rose from the dead and offers salvation to us. I am thankful for calendars. I am thankful for creativity. I am thankful for running water.

What are you thankful for today?

Finally Finished

The tree is put together.

The lights are strung.

The ornaments are hung.

And

all

the

decorations

are

set

out.

Christmas Snow

December 1999, we had been back in GA just under a year. Butterfly prayed constantly for snow. I tried to tell her it would still be Christmas without snow and she kept telling me Jesus would bring the snow. I just didn't have the faith to believe that God would bring snow to GA. It doesn't snow in GA. The middle of that month, there was a dusting of snow. When I say dusting, I mean we could still see the grass poking through the snow.

My four year old was elated. God had answered her prayer.

I was amazed. God had answered her prayer.

Debbie wrote about a similar experience with her daughter over on her blog. As I read it, tears streamed down my face. This was my response to her story, "The year Butterfly was four, we had a similar experience. We had just returned to GA, and she fervently prayed for snow. It arrived on Christmas day and warmed my heart to God more than any other miracle could have. He answered the prayer of my baby girl and just that knowledge pulls me through some times when my faith seems small."

God is faithful to answer the prayers of His children. Trust Him.

They're Growing Up

These are some things I never thought I would hear.

Mom, can I borrow your boots? (FigNewTon)

Mom, can I borrow your snowpants? (Butterfly)

Looks like we might need to make a trip to Goodwill soon. They have grown quite a bit in the last year.

Growing up or not, at least they are still small enough to play and have fun!

Christmas Blessing

December 2000, I worked for a small day care as a preschool teacher. Finances were really tight. I think I grossed just under $5000 that year. Even so, I felt like we were blessed. Anyway, one morning as I arrived at work, I noticed a sign that the owner had placed on the door requesting money to help a needy family have a good Christmas. I went home that night and couldn't stop thinking about that family. Right before I fell asleep, I decided to give $3 to the family on the reasoning that if every person who walked through the doors gave just $1, the family would have a really nice Christmas. When I gave her the money and explained my thoughts, my boss was in tears. The end of that week, as I was leaving for the day, she called me into her office and handed me an envelope. We were that family. She said that she was more blessed than I was because I had given out of my lack, not knowing it was going to be returned to me 100 fold. I will never forget the blessings I received that Christmas or the lessons I learned.

The North Pole

When the girls were 3 & 4, we lived in Hall County, GA, on the far western edge of the county. There was a gentleman out in North Hall who would decorate his property to the extreme. There were lights for a whole block in the most beautiful of colors and designs. He would set up a sleigh with reindeer, dress up as Santa and pose with each of the children that stopped by. He even had fake snow. For days, I told the girls we were going to North Hall to see Santa. Butterfly told her preschool teacher that day that she was going to the North Pole to see Santa. I tried to correct her misconception, but sometimes there is no reasoning with a four year old. For quite some time after that, whenever I would say we were going on a drive, she would ask if it was farther than the North Pole. She was in elementary school and was getting a beginning understanding of geography before she understood we had just driven to the other end of the county, not all the way to the North Pole.

Snapshot Saturday

April 2007

Butterfly just hanging out at the rink on one of her sister's competition days. She learned to knit that week.

Open A Present

OK. Be honest. Who is worse about wanting to unwrap presents early at your house; you or the kids? At my house, it is me. The girls want to savor the anticipation for as long as they can. I want to see them open a present. So, this is my compromise. Every January, when I am packing away the Christmas decorations, I wrap all of our Christmas books, movies, and music. Then, when we get out the decorations, there are immediately gifts under the tree. We open one a night until the season is over. This year is the first year the girls are not openly enthused about the idea. And yet, every night, they are the ones that remind me to open a book. Some of the books are board books from when they were little. Some are chapter books that we need a lazy Saturday to read. The movies are much the same with some more geared to toddlers and some more geared to teens. It doesn't really matter. The book or movie or music is made more special each year by the simple act of opening it like a gift. On years where the girls may get only one gift, like this year, it takes that sting away a bit, too because they have had the joy of opening a present every other day for a month.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful for books and blankets to cuddle up under while reading them.

I am thankful for sunshine that warms the heart even when the weather is chilly.

I am thankful friends and family. I am thankful that I can make memories with my precious daughters.

I am thankful for Christmas trees and lights and every part of this season that reminds me to slow down and enjoy the blessings God has given me. I am thankful for Jesus and the work He does in me every day.

I am thankful for my church.

I am thankful for the ability plans and have hope even when things don't work out like I had planned, the hope helps get me through the tough times.

What are you thankful for today?

Drumroll Please

And the winner is..... Krissy over at Thinking of Blue. Email me your address so I can get this in the mail. :)

It was hard for me to decide how to choose a winner, so I went with random. Karen Deborah's comment brings a smile to my face every time I think of it. My girls thought that should be enough to make her win, but I didn't say your comments had to make me smile so the only thing that seemed fair was randomness.

This was fun. Thanks for participating. I have a few ideas of things I may give away again in the near future.

Memory Making Moments - November

I have not been a good blogger this month. Even though we had many memorable moments, I forgot to take pictures of most of them. Therefore, I am not sure how good this post is going to be, but I still want to commemorate all of the fun stuff we did.

On the 6th & 7th, we went to youth convention with our church. FigNewTon had a lot of fun. On Friday night after the services, the kids from our church stayed up till 2:00 playing games. For Butterfly, it was bittersweet. It was really hard on her physically. It was also hard on her emotionally because there were so many parts of it that she couldn't participate in. But there were also moments that God met her where she was at.

On the 13th, we had a homeschool co-op movie night. They watched No More Baths and I sat in the kitchen talking with friends. If you have never watched No More Baths, it is worth your time. After the movie, the girls had a friend from co-op spend the night. They had quite a bit of fun. Again, Butterfly had to go to bed long before the others, but she still enjoyed the moment.

On the 14th, my friend Julie came to spend the day with us. At one point, I said that we were going to grow old and still visit each other, once every few years catching up on all that God has done in each other's life. She will be leaving for Asia in a few years and I am sure we will see each other even less after that, but I expect to be old sitting beside her reminiscing about the goodness of God. She is that good of a friend.

On the 20th, the girls quilts came in the mail. That I have a picture for. :)

Then, of course, there was Thanksgiving. We had a quiet day home with just the three of us. Lots of cooking and playing games. All in all a good day.

The day after, it was my plan to completely decorate the house for Christmas. We got as far as rearranging the living room and packing up all the decorations that sit out the rest of the year. Just as we were about to begin actually putting up the tree, a friend called and invited us to go to the Christmas Walk downtown. Most of the downtown stores decorate for Christmas and have snacks and sales that begin that evening. There was chili, chicken noodle soup, finger sandwiches, cookies, cider, and hot chocolate. We had a great time just hanging out with our friends and slowly walking through the downtown area. For now, the corner where the tree is going to go and all of the bookshelves in the living room are still sitting empty. We will have to work on fixing that in the days ahead.

So, that is our month. Not near as interesting as a photo journal, but still worth commemorating. Maybe next month I will remember to take the camera out of the drawer more. :)

Dichotomy

I cringe at the simplest touch. If someone brushes against my shoulder, I shiver, tense, and fight the impulse to vomit. I lose the ability to think and function because every fiber of my being screams out that someone touched me. I fight fear with an attempt at rational thought. It is exhausting. So, I avoid touch at almost all cost. Yet, I crave human touch. When I recognize this and hug a friend, all of the defenses I have put in place crumble and I realize I need that which I so craftily avoid, that which terrifies me.

Snapshot Saturday

December 1999

We were at a friend's house visiting. FigNewTon was three, Butterfly four. Those cheesy smiles that I used to hate so much make me smile now. God has been good to our little family.

w

The simplest thing can transform a moment from good to bad. I can be walking through an antique store and see a belt like a cowboy would wear and go from enjoying time with my children to telling myself to breathe and trying not to vomit.

At least I know the who, where, what, when, why of this one. Getting the images to stop running through my mind after something like that triggers them is almost impossible, though.

Giveaway

When I started blogging I did so for basically two reasons. I needed to journal and yet knew I would only do so if there were some form of accountability and I had read enough blogs that blessed me that I wanted to be that kind of blessing to others. One of the benefits of blogging that I did not expect to get was friends. As all of you know, before a person begins blogging, there is absolutely no understanding of the sense of community we have in the blogging world. On days that I feel so completely alone, I find encouragement here. So, in honor of that and because I cleaned out a closet and found this perfectly good, never taken out of the box, picture frame I thought I would host my first giveaway. The terms are simple, leave a comment. I will close it down 9:00 pm on Wednesday and announce the winner then.

Thank you for becoming my friends.

Thankful Thursday

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY!

What am I thankful for today?

First, I am thankful that this has been a weekly habit for me for the last six months. It has changed the way I think on a daily basis.

I am thankful for the ability to read. I have recently read Fearless, am currently reading Promises from God for Single Women, and of course the Bible. I am thankful for the encouragement that comes from reading books like this.

I am thankful for my home. I know that seems like such a simple, automatic thing, but if you have ever been without one, feared losing yours, or lived in a substandard home you know it is not automatic. In that same vein, I am thankful for food in abundance at our home. I am thankful for the opportunity to buy things for the local food pantry.

I am thankful for health. Even though Butterfly still has issues from her TBI, that is really the only thing we are dealing with this year. Another thing you will not understand unless you have been there; this is a relief. Her TBI is not life threatening or life ending. Yes, it is life altering. But we all have life.

I am thankful for friends. Julie was able to come visit a few weeks ago and we have been able to talk on the phone since, plus I am looking forward to seeing her if only for a few minutes on Sunday. Autumn was able to come visit a few weeks before that. I am hoping to see her in February, though I haven't cleared that with her yet. I am thankful for the promise that I will get to go to GA to see a few more special people in January.

I am thankful for God's provision. A few weeks ago when the car broke down, it took every penny we had to live on for the rest of the month to fix it. I asked God for provision and then I asked my church. The church was able to help, but there was still a very uncomfortable tightness to the finances (read the power bill still not paid). Then, someone I had not asked for help provided the rest of the need on Sunday. That is God's provision.

I am thankful for my girls. I am thankful for the opportunity to spend every day with them. I am thankful for the opportunity to teach them and mold them. I am thankful for the things that they teach me and the joys they bring into my life.

I am thankful for God's mercy and forgiveness. I am thankful that He is who He says He is.

What are you thankful for today?

Quilts

A bloggy friend, Carol, made the girls these beautiful quilts and sent them to us this past week. They are lightweight and yet toasty warm. The other night while we were watching the movie mentioned below, I said that I was freezing and asked FigNewTon if she was. She said, "No. I have this toasty warm quilt." I sat there with my mouth agape for a few minutes and then when she got up, I exchanged my blanket for her quilt. I was reluctant to give it back at the end of the evening. Carol makes quilts for something she calls Quilts for the North. It is a wonderful ministry. Stop by her blog. Pray for her and her ministry. She is truly a blessing to me.

Perspective

We are watching Little House on the Prairie, the movie, as a family. We checked it out of the library. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of watching it because it does not have the familiar characters from the television show. I was surprised at how good it is. It is about a six hour movie so we are watching it in segments. Anyway, last night we saw the part about the Christmas where Mr. Edwards brought a cup and a candy for the girls. Butterfly commented on the difference between that and what the typical American child receives and expects for Christmas. She said that we, as a nation, are greedy. I am not sure I would have put it in those words, but I understand her perspective. The movie also helped her to understand a lesson I have been trying her whole life to teach, that happiness is not gained or lost by the things you do and don't have, but by your perspective. We can have much and feel like we have little or we can have little and feel like we have much. It is all about perspective.

She Says,

"Some days you are stronger."
Maybe. I am not so sure that is it.
Some memories are just easier to face than others.
Strong or not, I am determined.
I am determined to get through this.
I am determined to one day not be consumed by the memories.
I must face them to be free of them.
That much I have figured out.
So I face them even when I don't want to.
It takes determination more than strength.
Maybe they go hand in hand.
Some memories I cannot talk about.
Some memories I do not have words for.
Some days I cannot talk about any memory no matter how determined I am.
Those would be the days she is referring to, I guess.
The days when the determination is not enough.
The days when I must also be strong.

Humpty Dumpty - That's Me

I am broken. I have been thinking that this is not a good place to be and that I definitely should not blog about being here. But sometime today I realized that this is EXACTLY where I need to be. I do not like what got me here or what is keeping me here. The situation is not one I would choose, nor would I wish it upon any person, no matter how much I dislike them. The long-term illness of FigNewTon, the things going on with Butterfly, the demons from my childhood that have come back to haunt me, the pressures of being poor long before this economy turned south, the loneliness that comes of not having family, the ache that comes of missing people I love dearly. Any one of these could break a person. Maybe there are drawbacks to being strong, stubborn, determined to be OK. The combination is such that some days I do not think I can stand. But the result is fabulous. I am broken. And when I am broken, I cling more tightly to the One who can heal me, the One who can put me back together again. So, for today, this moment, I am thanking God that I am broken.

Scared and Scarred

I HATE when I wake up so scared that I am curled in a tight little ball, shaking, telling myself to breathe steady or he will hear you, don't move, don't make noise, then realizing I am going to vomit and telling myself that I can't because if I do, he will find out and I won't be allowed to eat. It takes quite some time when I wake up like that to realize the reality that it is 25 years later and yes, I can get up to go to the bathroom and vomit. No, he is not just in the other room, taking any noise or movement as an invitation to come back in. I HATE being that scared little girl again.

Snapshot Saturday

June 8, 2002

FigNewTon is on the right, Butterfly is on the left.  This is the only picture we got that day that my girls are smiling.  Butterfly had stubbed her toe and we were all tired from the drive to GA.  My girls were just not sure they wanted to smile, but trust Stephanie to get a smile out of them, if anyone could.

Uprising

I don't do book reviews, mostly because I don't usually read them when other people do. And this really isn't a book review as much as it is thoughts stirred by a book. But in order for you to understand my ramblings, you will need to understand the setting of the book.

Uprising was set in NYC in the early 1900's, at the time leading up to the shirtwaist factory fire. There were actually several fires, but one is famous. One changed the way America did business, mostly for the good.

So, the book got me thinking seriously. I read it a month or so ago and it is still affecting my thoughts. Ideally, I would like to change the way I shop, but I cannot figure out how. I like the idea of buying local for a myriad of reasons, but nothing that went to the core of my being until now. So, until now it did not bother me that I often cannot buy local products from local people where I can know the history of the people and the products.

Most things I buy used. For those things, I really don't put much thought into it. Someone else has already paid to support the manufacturer, regardless of the way it was produced. By purchasing used, I am helping people in my community who would not normally be able to secure work because of a handicap to work at a decent wage. So, I would not change that even if I had more money at my disposal.

Some things are gifts. That absolves me of the need to know where and how the product was produced. I am not going to refuse a gift because I do not like the manufacturer or the fact that the manufacturer avoids the fair labor laws we have in place in this country by producing it in another country. That would be imposing my convictions on another and would be downright rude and hurtful.

So that leaves the few things that I buy new. Things like toilet paper and socks, detergent and shampoo, food and light bulbs, etc. I cannot live without these things and yet I cannot afford to buy them locally. That is my quandary. I do not want to support the corporations that exploit their workers. Yet, I do not have the finances to do any different.

Is this a subject you have thought much on? What do you do? What would you do in my shoes?

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful that the car is fixed.  It was a simple fix that did not require any more money. 

I am thankful to have the computer turned back on.  I did not realize how much we had come to rely on it thorughout the course of each school day. 

I am thankful for morning walks. 

I am thankful for mail and anticipation of mail to come.  :)

I am thankful for friends to visit.  I am thankful for special foods.  I enjoyed our visit, J.

I am thankful for friends that call to check on me or just to say hi.

I am thankful for several new toys that make my life easier and more fun.  I have had them for several weeks, but was too sick to enjoy them until this past week.  Specifically, I am thankful for a food processor and paper shredder.  I have never had either before. Thanks again, A.

I am thankful for Thanksgiving and the automatic opportunity to rest and just be home, the three of us.  Sometimes, not having extended family is a huge blessing.

I am thankful for memories of fun times shared with my family that carry me through the hard times with them.

I am thankful for life lessons that help me be the person I am today.

I am thankful for hope.  I am almost too tired to believe that what I am hoping for will come and yet God somehow keeps the hope alive within me.

Most of all, I am thankful for the grace of God extended to an underserving person like me.  Without Him, I don't know where I would be. 

What are you thankful for today?

MIA

I will not have access to my computer for the next week. So, I will get behind on the blogs I have just caught up reading, I won't catch up on the last few, and I won't post anything at all. My car is broke down and I am plugging the battery into my only polarized outlet from now until Saturday. That means the computer must be unplugged. I will miss you guys. :)

Snapshot Saturday

September 2001

This was her Kindergarten picture.  She was adamant that she wanted hair like Pippi Longstocking.  I tried to talk her out of it, but eventually gave in because it was her hair and it was a perfect representation of how she greeted each day.  She loved books and lived life with a happy outlook.  She was determined and independent.  Not much has changed, except the hair.  Now she wears it a bit more conventional.  :)

In The Midst Of A Miracle

Her button says "waiting for a miracle." When we made the button, we were waiting. Now we are in the middle of that miracle just waiting for completion. Some miracles take time.

Before this day, Butterfly was functioning like an 8 1/2 year old. The doctors expected her to stay that way. In fact, the one doctor who had held out hope the longest told me that morning to expect her to continue functioning as she currently was. Then he went over the reality of what that meant for her lifetime. I listened, because if he was right, I would need the information, but inside I knew he was wrong. So, I walked out of that office placing complete trust in God, Who had seen me through countless trials and had already healed my other child. That afternoon, Butterfly remembered a year and a half in one moment.

For the next month, we learned to function at that level. I chose new curriculum for her to learn and mostly let her sleep schedule dictate our schedule. And then, on Halloween, she remembered another three years. This brought her up to shortly after her 13th birthday. In so many ways, she appeared to be a normal teenager.

Then last weekend, I let her go to youth convention with our church. It was a really rough weekend on her. She couldn't handle the level of noise or the flashing lights, so she and I spent most of each service in the hallway or leaders lounge. She fell asleep involuntarily while sitting in bright and loud locations. She had a huge outburst on Sunday which was mostly impulse control issues. This is not bad choices on her part, though some of my reaction was. This is her not having the ability to think through an action and rather just acting on impulse. She took two naps on Sunday, totaling 5 hours.

On Wednesday, we were talking about evolution and she asked how that was like the big bang theory and then her face lit up because she realized she was remembering 7th grade. So, as of this moment, she is functioning with the intelligence level of a 14 year old and has all of her memories. The last two years are foggy, as she puts it.

I know to most of you that would sound like she is healed. There are still many obstacles to overcome. She sleeps 16 hours a day. That is 14 hours at night and a 2 hour nap. If her schedule is interrupted, we can expect more episodes like this past weekend. She still has unbearable headaches and extreme dizziness as part of her everyday life. She still cannot control her impulses. Usually, I settle for controlling her environment to limit undesirable impulses. These last hurdles are the hardest. Typically with TBI, these are the symptoms that become permanent. But I know that God has called her to reach the people of northern Africa when she is older. She cannot do that if she is not functioning at 100%. Therefore, I know that God will continue what He has started and heal her brain. So, for now, we are in the midst of a miracle. What a wonderful place to be!

Nightmares

There are so many things that trigger the nightmares; so many things that if they happen, I am guaranteed to have a nightmare.  If I am cold.  If I am hot.  If I am hungry.  If I am in pain.  If I am not covered up.  If I don't have a stuffed bear to hold.  If I hear a train.  If I hear a dog barking.  If I fall asleep with a hair tie on my wrist.  If my hair is wet.  If I am angry.  If the lights flicker.  If I am thirsty.  Yet, I can do everything perfect and still have the nightmares most of the time.  There is not one thing or any combination of things that guarantees they will stay away.  Only things that guarantee they will come.  I hate the nightmares. 

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

autumn, blessings, books, children, computer, faith, family, friends, games, holidays, mail, medicine, memories, movies, music, obedience, plans, poetry, promises, rest, sermons, sleep, sunshine, telephone, walks, wind

What are you thankful for today?

Not Surprised

Through FigNewTon's illness, through Butterfly's TBI, through my singleness, through all of the ups and downs that have comprised my life to this point, I was able to face this morning with constant assurance that this did not take God by surprise. It did me. But it did not Him. It really doesn't matter what "it" is this time. There are several "its" in a lifetime.

This one today caught me completely off guard, yet, as I went for my morning walk, I had the constant refrain in my brain that it did not catch Him by surprise. And then I stopped in my tracks and contemplated that for a moment finally settling on a prayer that went something like this.

God, I know this did not catch You by surprise. I know You knew this was coming all along. I didn't and I am not sure how to handle this. But I know You can handle it. So I trust You.

And then I started walking again, basking in the peace that comes of knowing God can handle whatever life throws my way.

Disclaimer, mostly for Autumn, because she walked with me through FigNewTon's illness and was here when Butterfly first got her TBI: it's not as bad as all that, just a simple every day thing that was more than I can handle on my own.

Memory Making Moments - October

The first Saturday of the month, we went on a homeschool field trip to historic Fort Atkinson. It was chilly, but fun. This is a picture of the girls that went.

The girls joined Girl Scouts again. This was taken at a spaghetti feed that the GS helped serve the meal. We had a blast. FigNewTon was taking a break and watching the soda bubbles fizzle at the top of her drink. Too funny!

I love the first snow fall of the season. The second Saturday, we were greeted with this. It was gone by evening and we have not seen a glimmer of snow since.

That next week, my friend Autumn surprised me with a visit. We had such fun while she was here. And we went to the zoo, which is always a good day.

After her visit, we had a lot of down time at home. Lots of games, movies, reading nights, and pizza. The type of memories that fill the every day, but never seem to warrant a picture.

On Halloween, FigNewTon went ice skating with a friend before we headed out as a family.

Let Me Be Honest Here

I am tired. I am hurting. More than just having been sick, although I know that is a lot of it.

My child has a brain injury. And no one, truly no one, understands when I must treat her like a four year old and take her by the hand to remove her from a situation because she is not handling it well. I don't even understand. I just do it. No one understands when she falls asleep just sitting there in a church service. They think I should wake her up, that I am enabling a behavior that should be changed, that I am coddling her. But it cannot be controlled. She tries oh so hard to stay awake because she really wants to be there. And usually she can. But if she is off schedule or if she has recently made progress, she can't. She requires more sleep when her brain is actively healing. No one understands that I cannot participate in events because she needs a babysitter. It is not that I do not trust her, and want her to be supervised. It is that she is incapable of doing it herself. And that the risk is too great that something would go wrong. She needs a babysitter. And since no one gets this, I participate in nothing that she also cannot participate in. No one understands that she can't participate in youth events if I am not present. I have been told that I am isolating her from the other teens. Oh, if that were only the case. I would back off. This, of course comes from parents who are not in the room and have not seen these teens isolate my child. She is isolated because she is different. No one understands that I cannot work because she needs constant care and yet I cannot get her care because she is too old. Everything is a risk. Her schedule must be constant, her environment secure. And she is not my only concern.

I have another child who needs me desperately. And though I am with her all day every day, she seldom gets my focus. No matter how hard I try, the energy is spent elsewhere. I remind myself that this is opposite of what it was when she was sick. But I still don't like it. She has dreams of going to the Olympics. And she is talented enough that if she had the opportunity, she might actually make it. But she probably won’t because I cannot fund her dream and she can only get so far on what I can pay for. She wants to participate in youth events without her mother present. I get that. Yet she understands that I have to be there. And she misses out on so many things because her sister cannot participate and I cannot be pulled in so many directions at once. There is only one of me. No family. I am alone in this. And I feel it acutely.

I want desperately to go to GA and see people I love. I want to see the people who are the closest thing to family I have ever had. But it is just not possible right now. I cannot even comfort myself with promises of next summer because it seems so far away and in reality, it may not happen even then, and if it does, it might not be the same. There is a risk that she will be gone, just like he is gone. And then there is all the stuff that I do not put here. All of the ancient history that threatens to swallow me. There is the stuff that I write about elsewhere, but talk about to no one because it has no place in polite conversation.

I am hurting. I am tired.

I

I want to hit something . . . but it will just make my hand hurt.

I want to throw something . . . but I will just have to clean up the mess.

I want to scream . . . but no one will hear me, no one will care.

I am angry.

I am hurting.
I am alone.

Snapshot Saturday, er, uh, I mean Sunday

Oops!  I am truly feeling a bit better.  Not quite like running marathons, but good enough to begin walking again.  :)  This past weekend, we had youth convention, and there are lots of memories to share.  Hopefully, one or both of my girls will do a post about the convention in a few days.  But they may not until I can get the camera working again.  It won't downlaod most of the pictures taken.  On to this weekend's snapshot into our lives...

March 2009

This one is framed and on my wall.  It always makes me smile.   

Sleep

Some nights when I try to sleep, images flood my mind and I cannot keep them at bay. Usually, during the day, I can keep the images at bay because I am busy and the things surrounding my senses are things of now and not of then. However, at night, they seem to have free reign in my brain right now. I tried pushing them away, thinking other more current thoughts. I tried ignoring them, hoping they would just go away. But it seems for now, they are here to stay. So, the other night, I tried embracing them. I carefully selected one memory from the rolodex in my mind and walked through the visual images it holds. I chose this memory on purpose because I knew at the end of it I slept. The hope was that if my mind was determined to focus on a memory when my body so desperately needed sleep, that I could trick the two into cooperating with each other. It worked. I slept a fitful tormented sleep of a terrified child in pain, but I slept.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am still too sick to really be back to my life and viewing the bigger picture.  As I type this, I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open and I slept all night.  So, I could start there.  I am thankful for sleep, which is often elusive, but hasn't been for the past two days.  I am constantly aware of real and imagined obligations which I am not fulfilling.  Like  my monthly post, Memory Making Moments.  I really WANT to get that done, as well as the one I do monthly on our homeschool blog.  I am not reading other blogs.  I am not serving at church.  The girls are being schooled abbreviated days.  I just don't have the energy.  For anything.  So, I am thankful for the grace God and people extend when I cannot live up to my end of the bargain.  Butterfly has been difficult.  This, I know is a result of her TBI.  Short of a miracle, she will always have impulse and judgement control problems.  She will just have to learn to manage her behavior anyway.  And usually she does quite well.  When she doesn't, usually I can redirect her easily.  These past few days have been a struggle, though.  I am thankful that I have gained understanding about her injury.  It makes dealing with it on a daily basis easier.  I am thankful for the progress she is making.  I am thankful for the good days that are more frequent than the bad days.  My mind is swirling in circles from the exhaustion, so I guess that is all I can post for now.  May God bless each of you in unexpected ways today. 

What are you thankful for today?

Different

My least favorite word that she uses is different. That's different, she says. Often, I had not contemplated whether any aspect of my childhood was different. It just was. There is no logic to not liking that description. But I don't. I won't tell her. If I do, she might not be so honest. I want her to stay honest because if she doesn't, I might quit talking and I need to keep talking. When she says something is different, it makes me stop and think. Some things are obviously different to me as soon as I contemplate them in that context. Some things don't seem so different to me. Maybe those are just outside of her experience but not really all that different.

The Dance

She asks questions with obvious answers. Sometimes the answers are not so obvious to anyone but me. Often, I think I have told her without exactly saying what I need her to understand. Sometimes she thinks she knows, but she is wrong. So she asks. To clarify or verify what I have skirted around saying. Sometimes I answer with a yes or a no. Sometimes I elaborate. Sometimes I tell her I don't want to talk about it. But she keeps asking. To keep me answering. Talking. Sharing. Healing.

I Don't Understand

I don't understand why with some memories I cannot find words to say. I can see it. I can smell it. I can remember what it feels like. But I cannot come up with simple every day words. Vodka. Plaid. Greasy. The words I do come up with are a struggle. To find the word that means what I am trying to say is hard. Stringy. Dirty. Jeans. Tattoo. I have to concentrate hard to come up with the simplest description. Even the few words I can come up with to describe what I remember so clearly are inadequate. It is as if my speech, my language, and my thoughts are as simple and limited as they were then.

I say I do not understand why. That is an emotional statement. If another person said the same thing to me, I would have the logic to explain. But knowing why and understanding why are not the same.

I Didn't Lose My Words

I just didn't have anything to say.  Now I do.

Saturday's Surprise

On Saturday, while we were at a fall festival, Butterfly saw a friend from school. Or rather, the friend saw Butterfly and came up to say hello. Butterfly was polite and said hello. When the girl walked away, Butterfly asked me who she was. I told her that they had gone to school together but that I did not know her name. About an hour later, as we were preparing to leave the festival, Butterfly saw the girl again and said, "That's ******! Her brother's name is *******. He was in my class. My teacher's name was Mrs. *****." She was remembering 6th grade. That was a gain of approximately 3 years. She is now only 15 months behind! Praise God!

I do not have pictures of the girls in costume on Saturday because the camera is malfunctioning again. Check back later to see if I have gotten the pictures. :)

Not Perfect

Today, on her blog, Autumn asks many questions about perfection. I started to answer in her comment section, but then my answer became long enough to be a post, so I brought it here. I encourage you to go back to her blog and check out her original post, as well as the blogs she references. Mine will make more sense when you know what questions I am answering. Most of her questions I do not answer here, although we did have a nice chat on the phone, so hopefully that makes up for any inadequacies in my answer. :)

Inside somewhere, I still think perfection is a process and one day I will get there. I know this is not true, and yet I still strive for that same goal, just on a different timetable than before. I used to strive to be perfect every day in every way. Now I just view imperfections as something that I can learn to do right on another day, when I have learned and grown more.

I have learned different doesn't mean imperfect. Someone can do a task different from me and so long as the end goal is met, it is just different, not wrong. When I was younger, I would have called it wrong.

I have learned that imperfect doesn't mean stupid.

I have learned that perfection is unattainable.

I have also learned that outer organization minimizes inner turmoil and inner calm reduces chaos in my life, so I still strive to have an orderly and organized life.

I have learned that "No" is an acceptable word to use, though I would do good to use it more often with certain people than I do.

I have learned that God's grace covers all of my imperfections and that everything that I think is perfect is still worthless. His standard is the only standard that matters and there is nothing I can do to live up to that standard without the blood of Christ. That one thought has freed me from attempting perfection. The reminder that His mercies are new every moment increases that freedom. I know the scripture says every morning, but I like to say every moment, because that is about as often as I need to rely on His limitless mercy.

Snapshot Saturday

Recently, Butterfly donated food to the local pantry for a school project.  I love that they are beginning to be aware of the needs of other people. 

I Hate Halloween

There. It is said. I hate this holiday. I loathe it. I hate it more the more I cannot avoid it. And I don't hate it for the reasons everyone claims to hate the holiday.

Like religion. There is nothing religious about the way we currently celebrate Halloween in America. Nor is there anything truly antireligious. It does have religious roots. If I understand history correctly, it was originally the church's response to a secular holiday. They moved a religious observance, All Saints Day, to correlate with a pagan holiday to reclaim the day. Now, it is just another greedy holiday for people to spend money and brag about what they have or for those who don't have money to spend time that could be spent elsewhere more productively.

When the girls were little, I hated Halloween because it was so hard to shield them from the scary images that surround the holiday. I never understood why we as parents would tell our children that there are monsters on Halloween when we spend the other 364 days of the year trying to convince them the monsters are not real. I learned to avoid the gore by taking the girls to "festivals" at local churches.

Maybe I hate Halloween because I have no particular memories of Halloween. That in my life would be a reason to cherish the memories I could make with my children, usually, so I don't think that is it.

It just seems so wasteful. I despise the day more the more time and resources that are spent on Halloween in the community around me.

It probably doesn't help that I have been sick, my kids have cabin fever, and we are all out of sorts today, either. Maybe once they have donned their costumes and we finally leave the house, my mood and opinion of the day will change.

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

I am thankful for doctors, antibiotics, water, cranberry juice, rest, and that I am beginning to feel better.  I have had a kidney infection that was so bad all I could do for the last week was sleep.  I am thankful that my girls are well behaved and have let me rest and recover.  I am thankful that they know how to care for themselves and the house and have done quite well for the last week.  I am hopeful that this is almost over and that I will be better in a few days.

What are you thankful for today?

Snapshot Saturday

March 28, 2009

FigNewTon was practicing for her sign language solo later that day. 

Thankful Thursday

What am I thankful for today?

Autumn's visit, hot apple cider, doctors, medicine, socks, schoolwork, friends, children, games, rest, paper shredder, blankets, books, movies, the zoo, fall weather, rain, colorful leaves, the telephone, tea and tea pots, rest, my children

What are you thankful for today?